Welcome to Emotional Wellness Daily,a project of SIMHA, the Sephardic Initiative for Mental Health Awareness.
We continue in cognitive distortions. The last one, #8, we actually discussed a few weeks ago. I'm not going to repeat it at length. I’d just like to add a point. The distortion is the mistaken thought that “For every problem or difficult situation in life or in the world, there is a solution with a clear, true answer. And if you don't find that answer or complete solution, the situation will be terrible.”
This is a cognitive distortion in which people think, I have a problem and I must find the solution, otherwise it's over…. I must find the right doctor, the right therapist, the right this or that.”
Let's put Emunah and Bitachon on the side, because, like Rabbi Elefant said recently at the Agudah Convention, a therapist should not tell you that the answer to your problem is Emunah and bitachon. That is a life's work. That's not always the answer, or at least not the immediate answer.
Let’s take this a step further, for those who try to help other people. If someone comes to you with a problem, you have to understand that there's not always an answer or a solution. More importantly, you can help the person without giving them a solution to the problem. This is very important. The first step in helping is just being there for the person.
We see this from Hashem, Who visits Avraham Avinu, in one of the first acts of kindness in the Torah. He doesn't heal him. He sends the Malach Rephael to heal him. What does Hashem do? He appears to him and just sits there with him and says, “Abraham, I'm here for you.” What does that do? It does a lot. The person knows that there's someone there that cares for him and feels for him and understands him.
Similarly, Hashem says to the Jewish people in Galut, “Imo Anochi B’Tsara/ I'm with you in your problem. I might not be solving your problem, but I'm with you in your problem.”
We might not know how to get out of this situation.
Sometimes just the I'm there with you is really the answer. Hashem does the same thing with Yosef HaSadik when he's in the paddy wagon. He brings beautiful smelling fragrances, telling Yosef, I'm there with you. You're going to Galut, you don't understand why; and you don't know what's going on, but I'm there with you. This is i an extremely important concept, and it’s a shift for many people.
For example, imagine a child who comes to their mother and says, “Ma, I don't like the way I look. I look terrible.” (This is becoming more of a problem- eating disorders and body dysmorphia)
The mother's first thought is, “Oh my gosh, I have to fix this kid's problem. My child doesn't like the way (s)he looks. Who knows where this is going to end?”
Write down what you would say to your child if they came to you with this problem.
Most parents’ first reaction is the dismissive approach. “You look great. What are you talking about?” Approach number two is, “Okay, we'll hire a nutritionist, and you'll start exercising three times a week.”
So, we either dismiss the problem or fix the problem.
Or we can go with the hizuk approach. “Don't worry, we love you the way you are. Hashem loves you. It's not about your body, it's about your soul.”
Those are three possible approaches: Dismissive, fix the problem or hizzuk. What's the right thing to do? The right thing to do is to be with the child. That means saying, “Wow, you really seem upset. You really seem bothered by the fact that you don't like the way you look.”
Beautiful. I just entered into the child's world. I just felt what they feel.
They know I'm feeling what they feel.
I once did some training in Boston in a mental health facility. In a course given by the top doctor of psychosis there, Dr. Joe Stoklosa, he gave the following mashal:
Imagine someone comes over to you and says, “I have three demons on my shoulder.”
He said there are three approaches you can take. One is the dismissive approach. What are you talking about? There are no demons there.
The second approach is collusion, which is which when you tell the fellow, “Wow, I see them too!”
Neither of these approaches is good because if you say the demons are not there, he just thinks you don't know what you’re talking about. And saying they are there just strengthens his delusion.
The proper approach is, “Wow, that must be difficult for you- to be dealing with the feeling that you have three demons on your shoulder.”
I didn't say you have, I didn't say you don't, but you definitely feel like you do, and that's definitely a challenge. All I did was show I am there for the person. Being there for the person means I understand what you're going through. I understand the challenge, and that's the first step. It's not about fixing. Not every problem has a solution, or at least an immediate solution.
The first step is I am there for you.
Have a wonderful day.