Welcome to Emotional Wellness Daily, a project of SIMHA, the Sephardic Initiative for Mental Health Awareness.
Yesterday we spoke about the impact of parenting on religion. We'll continue with that topic today in a slightly different vein. The pasuk in Devarim 8,5 states what is, according to many, a positive command,
וְיָדַעְתָּ֖ עִם־לְבָבֶ֑ךָ כִּ֗י כַּאֲשֶׁ֨ר יְיַסֵּ֥ר אִישׁ֙ אֶת־בְּנ֔וֹ יְהֹוָ֥ה אֱלֹהֶ֖יךָ מְיַסְּרֶֽךָּ׃
You should know in your heart (this is an important Jewish mindset) that just like a man chastises his son, Hashem your God chastises you
The Vilna Gaon explains in his sefer Aderet Eliyahu (and many others say this as well) that just like a father chastises son out of love, so too, God chastises you out of love.
A father is an example of God, and the way a parent rebukes you out of love gives you an image of God. That means that Torah takes it as a given for the child that the parent is giving rebuke out of love, and we should use that parent as an example of God.
It’s a given that your parent gives you rebuke out of love. You experience it, you live that. And so too, your Father in heaven, that you don't see and don't know, acts the same way as your parent down here does. It’s brought down in the early sefarim that God made parents as a way for us to conceptualize that we have an Avinu sh’baShamayim. We could have come from tress or eggs, but instead we have parents because we have a father in heaven. How can I picture that Father in heaven? My father down here is my picture of the Father in heaven. We also have kings, because God is Avinu Malkenu. Our mortal kings are also a picture for us, to help us understand what it means that God is King.
Rav Wolbe writes at length, in his sefer Aleh Shor when discussing the high holiday season, that we’ve lost that picture of a king. We no longer have kings that rule the world. So it’s important to realize that we shouldn't lose out father picture.
Our children need to feel us and see us as that loving parent that's only rebuking out of our concern and love for the child. That way, when something comes out of God, they'll perceive it that way as well. A therapist told me they knew of a case of a teenager whose father was suffering from alcohol addiction.
At times his father would be in a rage because of the influence of alcohol. The son learned over the years that when his father was in a bad mood, he should try to stay out of his way, because he didn’t act in the way that a father should act when he was in a bad mood.
As this child got older, the way he perceived the high holiday season was that ‘God is angry over these few weeks, so stay out of His way. Don't do anything wrong. Don't cross Him, because He's angry. He'll calm down and we'll get into Succot,
That's obviously not the way things are, but this child's view of God came from his view of his parents. That's why it's extremely important for us as parents to do our best to give our children that picture of what the Torah takes for granted. The Torah takes for granted that every child knows that a parent rebukes out of love. But it's not so simple. We have to make sure our children know that. Rabbi Ades says that children today don't always understand that what parents do for them is coming out of love and concern.
When one of his granddaughters, who was about 3-4 years old, got a new bib, he said, “Wow, what a nice bib. Your mommy really loves you!” The child responded, “No, she just doesn't want to have to clean my dress,” meaning, she doesn't care about me. She didn't buy me a nice bib because she cares about me. She just doesn't want to do the laundry.
Now, maybe there was a little truth to this, but of course that's not what the mother was thinking. She could have put a paper towel around her. She bought a nice bib because she loves the child.
That was the natural tendency of this child (and the Rabbi assumes that it's anecdotal evidence for the general masses).
Unless you make it clear to the child why you're doing things and that it's coming out of love, they might not see it that way.
We as parents are the picture, the model, the mashal for our children of what their Father, their parent in heaven is.
Therefore, we have to do our best so that the child should never think that we're doing things for our own agendas, revenge or anger.
Have a wonderful day.