Positive Talk and a Positive Attitude
Lashon ha’ra – negative speech about others – is multifaceted, as many different forms of negative speech fall under this prohibition. One type of lashon ha’ra is noted by Rashi, in his commentary to Parashat Devarim (1:27). The Torah there describes how Beneh Yisrael complained to G-d after hearing the spies’ frightening report about Eretz Yisrael:
וַתֵּרָגְנוּ בְאָהֳלֵיכֶם וַתֹּאמְרוּ בְּשִׂנְאַת יְדֹוָד אֹתָנוּ הוֹצִיאָנוּ מֵאֶרֶץ מִצְרָיִם לָתֵת אֹתָנוּ בְּיַד הָאֱמֹרִי לְהַשְׁמִידֵנוּ.
You complained in your tents and said: It is because G-d hates us that He took us from the land of Egypt, in order to hand us over to the Emorites to destroy us.
Rashi comments that the word ותרגנו refers to lashon ha’ra, specifically, to a person who complains. G-d loved Beneh Yisrael, and He freed them from Egypt and brought them to Eretz Yisrael in order to shower them with blessings. But Beneh Yisrael spoke negatively about the Almighty, attributing to Him malicious motives in bringing them out of Egypt.
Rabbenu Yonah speaks of this form of lashon ha’ra in his famous work Sha’areh Teshuvah (3:231). He writes:
פעמים יחשוב על חסדי ה' כי הם לנקם ושלם, כענין שנאמר (דברים א, כז): "ותרגנו באהליכם ותאמרו בשנאת ה' אותנו הוציאנו וגו' ". על כן התרחק מדרך הנרגנים, כי נתיבותיהם עקשו להם, כל דורך בה לא ידע שלום, ולדון לכף זכות למד לשונך…
There are times when one thinks of G-d’s kindnesses as acts of vengeance and retribution, similar to that which is written, “You complained in your tents and said: It is because G-d hates us that He took us…” Therefore, stay far away from the way of the complainers, for their paths are crooked, and whoever follows it will know no peace. Train your tongue to judge favorably…
Rabbenu Yonah cites in this context a verse from the Book of Mishleh (18:8):
דִּבְרֵי נִרְגָּן כְּמִתְלַהֲמִים וְהֵם יָרְדוּ חַדְרֵי בָטֶן.
He explains this to mean that the words of a נרגן – a complainer – are like a weapon piercing the other person’s flesh. The term נרגן, Rabbenu Yonah writes, refers to a person who constantly complains, and turns everything his fellow does into something offensive. His fellow acts innocently, but the נרגן views every action negatively, and always sees himself as the victim of other people’s wrongful conduct. His words of criticism and complaints “descend into the inner chambers of the belly” (ירדו חדרי בטן) – meaning, they cause the other person great pain and anguish. It is painful to be criticized for something one did without any negative intent. And a person who is a נרגן, who routinely views things from a negative perspective and complains, inflicts this pain upon people all the time.
Rabbenu Yonah’s comments bring to mind a story told by Rav Yehuda Ades, Rosh Yeshivat Kol Yaakov, who delivered many classes to his students on the subject of shalom bayit – peace in the home. He once asked a young, newlywed man to keep a list of all the times he felt like making a critical remark but refrained from doing so. Remarkably, the man’s list contained an average of twenty remarks each day, or some 560 a month. This includes seemingly benign comments such as, “Why did you buy that lamp? Do we need another lamp?” Rav Ades said that each “little” comment like that is like a dart that pierces the other spouse’s heart. It’s an attack. There is nothing wrong with thinking that the other person did something wrong, but once it is done, no matter how noble one’s intentions or how confident one is that he or she is correct, the comment should not be made. All the little pieces of criticism add up to create tension and threaten an otherwise healthy relationship.
Rav Ades once told of a young man who went shopping to help out his wife, and returned after two hours. As each item came out of the bag, his wife made a critical remark: “Chunky peanut butter? Nobody here eats chunky peanut butter! Why did you get the large size? That’s not what we use!”
After all the bags were emptied, the young husband thought to himself, “I was trying to do something nice for my wife, and all I got was criticism.” He later told Rav Ades that if he had not heard the Rabbi’s talks about humility and patience in marriage, he would have stormed out of the house.
We need to avoid the tendency to be a נרגן, to point out everything that is wrong, every flaw and every mistake, and to instead cultivate a positive outlook by focusing on all that is good about the people and things in our lives.
This is true not only in marriage, but also in education. Rav Ades once brought the staff from his yeshiva to meet Rav Shach zt”l, and they asked for advice in educating their students. He said that in the vast majority of cases, it is best for a teacher to ignore wrongful behavior. Of course, sometimes a child needs to be corrected and reprimanded. But minor infractions, which are not terribly important in the long run, should be left alone without any comments. Too often, teachers and parents tell children to stop swinging back and forth on their chair, to stop eating with their hands, or to stop playing with their hair. And most of the time, these comments will have no meaningful positive impact upon the child’s behavior, but each one feels like a dart, dealing a strong emotional blow.
One might, however, object to this approach, and say, “My parents and teachers criticized me all the time, and it made me a better person. Why should I think that this is wrong?”
Rav Wolbe observed that times have changed, and educational methods that were effective in the past would not work now. In previous generations, he said, people were like stone and wood, and needed to be “chiseled” to be refined. Today, however, people are like balloons; one slight prick makes people “pop.” People nowadays are fragile, and a softer, delicate approach is needed.
The pasuk says in Mishleh (16:28), וְנִרְגָּן מַפְרִיד אַלּוּף. The Midrash (Bereshit Rabbah 20:2) explains this verse as referring to the snake in Gan Eden, which spoke evil about G-d to Havah. The snake told Havah that G-d does not want her or Adam to partake of the forbidden tree because He knows it would empower them, and in fact, He became the Creator only after eating this fruit. Nobody likes competition, the snake claimed, and this is why G-d told Adam and Havah not to partake of the fruit. The snake was the quintessential נרגן. G-d created the world out of sheer kindness; He derives no benefit at all from the world or its inhabitants. The world was created for us to enjoy it, and even the forbidden tree was created for Adam and Havah to enjoy, but only on Shabbat, not on Friday, when the sin took place. The snake turned G-d’s actions upside down, casting them in a negative light, as an expression of hostility and malice. And thus the people at the time of the sin of the spies are described with the same term – ותרגנו – because they, too, turned G-d’s kindness upside-down, and claimed that He acted out of hate.
Rav Ades told that he once attended a sheva berachot and saw one of the young men make a face after smelling the liver. The other guests saw, and nobody ate the liver. They all complained about it. Just one look of disdain caused a great deal of negativity. Rav Ades decided that the next time he attended a sheva berachot, he would make a point of verbally noting everything good – the delicious rolls, the beautiful napkin arrangements, and so on. Rather than focus on what is wrong, he said, we ought to be focusing on what is right.
A student once asked Rav Ades whether this emphasis on positivity and avoiding negativity is really effective. “After all,” the young man said, “I attended these classes and understand the importance of positivity, but my family members didn’t. What good is it if only I make a point of being positive?”
Rav Ades answered the positivity is contagious. When a person ensures to highlight the positive and avoid pointing out the negative, he gradually creates a happy, positive atmosphere that will, invariably, affect everyone in the home. And when one creates this atmosphere, he transforms his home into Gan Eden.
This message is always important, but it is especially important on Shabbat, which is מעין עולם הבא, a day when we are to experience the joy and bliss of the next world. Particularly on Shabbat, it is incumbent upon us to work to create a pleasant, joyous atmosphere in the home, which we do by giving compliments, pointing out everything good, and keeping silent about anything which is not quite the way we want it. Moreover, a great deal of effort is invested into Shabbat, whether it’s the countless hours of work spent during the week to earn money, or the shopping, cleaning and food preparation. After so much effort has been invested, critical comments are especially painful. “There’s too much salt.” “Where’s the ice?” “Hey, there’s no mustard!” “Where did my cufflinks go?” These comments highlight the negative, and can cause very hard feelings and poison the atmosphere in the home. We must make every effort to ensure that we focus on all that is good and avoid dwelling on the negative.
As part of this effort that we should all be making, we have attached to this email a pamphlet prepared by Rav Ades’ son, Rav Avraham Haim Ades, with insights and guidance from Rav Ades relevant to education. It is our hope that this material, together with our concentrated efforts, will help us maintain a positive, joyful atmosphere in our homes, both on Shabbat and throughout the week.