Yesterday we mentioned the concept of kavod. We learned that a person who wants and chases honor will never be satiated, because it’s a bottomless pit. We used Haman as an example of someone that had everything, yet it was all worthless to him because he didn’t get respect from Mordechai.
There’s an important disclaimer to make before we go forward with the Hovot HaLevavot. Kavod is very important. A person can’t survive without it. The Hazon ish tells us that
תיקון המדות שולל מהאדם אהבת עצמו,
Perfecting your character traits does not negate that a person should want to be respected. That’s normal.
Furthermore, he says
המוסר אומר לאדם אהוב את עצמך ורכוש כבוד.
Mussar tells a person to love himself and get respect.
But get real respect.
Mussar teaches us אין כבוד אלא תורה
There is no kavod without Torah.
What is respect? Respect is knowledge of Torah, respect is humility, respect is running away from honor.
The Torah teaches us what respect really is, and a person can’t survive without it.
Even the greatest of people need respect. Masechet Taanit tells the story of Honi HaMa’agal, a giant of his generation. He was always bothered by a pasuk that described the 70 year exile as
היינו כחולמים
like a dream.
He couldn’t understand how 70 years could be considered a dream. Who sleeps for 70 years? Then, G-d made a miracle and he fell asleep for 70 years. When he woke from this hibernation, he came back to town. His son was no longer alive but his grandson was. He introduced himself as Honi HaMa’agal (Imagine a handsome man in a turban walking into shul and saying he’s Yosef Haim- the Ben Ish Hai). It says they didn’t believe him, and they didn’t give him the proper respect. Although everyone was impressed, because he was a great learner in the Midrash, and they even thought he made statements that sounded like the great Honi,
לא נהגו ביקרה
they didn’t respect him properly.
He became depressed and eventually died.
The Gemarah says regarding this:
או חברותא או מתותא
“Either give me camaraderie, or give me death.”
The American saying is, “Give me liberty or give me death,” but the Gemarah tells us that I need a friend, or someone that will recognize who I am, or “give me death.“
Studies today show that people who are alone don’t live as long as social beings. Why is this so? It’s not just for fun. It’s because we need people to recognize us. Without that basic recognition, we can’t survive.
That is not the Kavod we are taking about in Hovot HaLevavot. The Hovot HaLevavot is talking about Artificial Kavod. Artificial kavod is feeling good based on your fancy suit, your fancy house, or your car. Those are just status symbols, not real kavod. Real kavod is recognizing that every person has qualities. Every person was created בצלם אלוקים -In the image of G-d. Our job is to recognize these qualities in ourselves.
The Navi says, Don’t be proud of your strength, your wealth or your wisdom. Be proud of your recognition of G-d.
Everyone reading this can be proud of themselves, because we are working on our bitachon, on our recognition of G-d.
Rabbi Ades says that most people initially have difficulty recognizing their own good qualities. Therefore, it behooves us to compliment others. It helps people realize their good qualities, and find their true kavod, and that’s important.
And the most important people for us to compliment are our family members.
The Gemarah tells us that there were two extremely wealthy people who were destroyed because of honor-seeking. Haman and Korach. And both had wives who didn’t give them respect. If a person doesn’t get respect from their spouse, they look for it from the outside, from status symbols. What we need most is respect from those closest to us- parents, children, brothers, sisters and friends. When a friend gives a real compliment, not just “nice dress” but, “Wow, that was so special how you controlled yourself.” Or, “What a great meal you made! It was such hard work. You put up with so much, ” that type of compliment makes a person feel good about themselves, because it’s recognizing a person’s real qualities. That’s the self esteem people really need.
So now that we understand what real kavod is, we can go on with discussing the false, negative kavod in the next upcoming classes.
Have a great day.