Welcome to Emotional Wellness Daily, a project of SIMHA the Sephardic Initiative for Mental Health Awareness. We spoke yesterday about the terrible pain of rejection, and how rejection is the opposite of connection- connection to a group of friends, family, and so on. That is the most painful thing to go through.
This concept of rejection shows up, as well, in the area of religion, where people feel rejected by one group or another. They feel that a certain group of people looks down on them, acting like they're more religious, holier, closer to God, and so they feel rejected. This is a point that we need to discuss, because even without anyone doing anything wrong, it's almost a natural consequence and we have to be aware of it.
The Gemara in Masechet Shabbat tells the story of a man who excelled in the area of Dan L’kaf Zechut/ giving someone the benefit of the doubt. This man was a hired worker who worked for three years as a sharecropper. When the three years were up, it was Erev Yom Kippur. It was time for him to get paid and go back to his family, but the field owner said, “I'm sorry, I don't have any money to pay you.”
The worker asked, “What about fields?”
I don't have any fields, he said.
“What about animals?”
“I don't have any animals.”
“What about movable items?”
“I don't have any of that either.”
So the worker went home without any money. After three years of work, he had nothing to show for it.
After the holiday, the field owner came with his paycheck and three donkeys full of food, drink and delicacies. He asked the worker, “What were you thinking when I said I had no money?”
He said, “I thought maybe you found a good investment and you invested it.”
“And what were you thinking when I said that I had no fields?”
“That maybe you rented them all out.”
“ And what were you thinking when I said I had no animals?”
“Maybe you rented them out as well.” “What were you thinking when I said I had no movable items?”
“Maybe you consecrated them for the Bet Hamikdash.”
And the man says, “That’s absolutely right. Everything that you said is exactly what happened, as farfetched as it sounds. And just like you gave me the benefit of the doubt, God should give you benefit of the doubt.” This hero, who gave the benefit of the doubt, his not mentioned in this Gemara, but Rabbi Avika Eiger quotes, on the side, that it was none other than Rabbi Akiva, at age 32 or 33, before he started learning Torah T age 40. It follows that the daughter of Kalba Savua saw this shepherd, saw his good character traits and wanted to marry him. That was Rabbi Akiva.
Look at these wonderful traits. He was outstanding in this trait of giving people the benefit of the doubt, which is one of the key character traits for getting along with people and having good Middot. The only problem is, as Tosafot asks, Rabbi Akiva is quoted in Masechet Pesachim as saying, “When I was ignorant, I had a great dislike for Torah scholars.” How could it be that this great man with wonderful Middot had a dislike for Torah scholars?
Tosafot answers that really, Rabbi Akiva did not start off having a dislike for Torah scholars, but the fact that they learned Torah and he was ignorant made him feel like they were looking down upon him. Furthermore, there are certain laws that an ignorant man has to stay away from the fruit and the clothing of Torah scholars, out of concern of contamination, so the Torah scholars distanced themselves from ignorant people, which would also cause a hatred.
‘I can't touch your clothing. I can't touch your food. I have to stay away from the refrigerator. I'm a leper?? ‘
All of that caused this dislike.
That’s the end of the Tosafot.
Rabbi Kaufman, Rosh Yeshiva of Waterbury, who spoke at the Agudah Convention not long ago, adds the following strong question:
If Rabbi Akiva was so good at giving the benefit of the doubt, why couldn’t he give the Torah scholars the benefit of the doubt and figure out why they were doing all these things? Maybe they really didn’t dislike him, and therefore he shouldn't dislike them.
(Because that's the way it works. If you feel someone dislikes you, you dislike them back.) He answered with the powerful point, which we discussed yesterday-that the pain of rejection is so strong that he couldn't get over that pain of rejection, so he wasn’t able to start thinking up excuses for them. Rabbi Akiva could deal with being swindled by a boss and still have the peace of mind to think logically. But do to that punch in the stomach, that knife in the throat of rejection, he couldn't think anymore.
This is extremely important. We have to know that there are people around us, who, without us even realizing it, without it even being our fault, feel that we're rejecting them. Therefore, we have to go out of our way to show that it's not the case.
This is one of the things that is going on now in Israel. The irreligious were protesting against religious people just a few months ago.
Deep down, they felt rejected and unwanted. But now they see the outpouring of love and warmth, the concern and prayers that the religious people are showing and doing on behalf of the soldiers and anyone involved on the front lines. Now they're saying, “Hey, these people don't reject us. They just happen to have a different way of life and can't interact with us.” And that takes the edge off and it's extremely important. Because once the feeling of rejection is ameliorated, it's possible to start thinking straight and start rebuilding bonds.
So, we have the aware of this important concept of religious rejection.
Have a wonderful day.