Welcome to Emotional Wellness Daily, a project of SIMHA.
We've been talking about rebuke and proper educational direction. Rav Hutner quotes a Gemara in Masechet Erechin16B, where one of the Tennaim says, “I'm amazed that there is anyone in our generation who knows how to rebuke.” Rashi explains that it means, ‘He knows how to rebuke in a way of respect, that his face doesn't change.’
In the words of Rav Hutner, it means, “You don't cause him to become overly deflated after you rebuke him.” It's not easy. And this goes back to the times of the Gemara! To properly rebuke somebody is not easy. Rav Hutner says it’s not only about rebuking others. It's even about rebuking ourselves, which is what regret is. Regret is internal rebuke.
Rav Hutner says, “I'm amazed that there's someone today that knows how to regret without deflating himself too much, until he becomes weak hearted.” Therefore, Rav Hutner says, “In order for a person to rebuke or regret, he needs to have what's called Tikifut HaDaat/a strong sense of self,” a strong conviction of who you are.
As we said before, the danger of rebuke and regret is that you’ll get to the point where you lose hope.
The Mishnah in Masechet Sotah describes how we want the unfaithful wife to admit her sin, rather than drink the waters and die. Our goal is not to kill. Our goal is to get her to admit. So, we tell her things that would seemingly not be the right thing to do. It’s almost like we're excusing her sin. We tell her, “My daughter, wine does a lot, laughter does a lot, immaturity does a lot, bad neighbors do a lot. Therefore, admit.”
We go further and tell her things that aren’t really the right things to say. We say, “There were many great Dadikim that also admitted when they did something. Yehuda admitted when he was with Tamar.” Why do we do all this? Are we trying to excuse her for her sins?
The answer is, we're trying to limit her shame. We're trying to allow her to save face. That way, she'll be able to admit, and that way she'll be able to regret. This is very interesting, says Rav Henoch Lebowitz in his sefer Hidusheh Lev, in Parashat Nasso. We told the lady that if she doesn’t admit, and she sinned, she's going to die. Isn't that enough of a reason to confess?
The answer is no. She might prefer to die rather than endure the embarrassment of having to confess. She'd rather die. So how can we save her from, so to say, choosing suicide? We have to give her an out. We have to give her a way to save face and show that we understand that there are external factors that might have contributed to her sin.
In that way, she'll be able to save face and confess.
Rav Leibowitz says that this is true when you're educating students as well. If you want the child to share his personal struggles and challenges because you want to properly direct him, you have to make sure that you understand the external factors that might have caused him to sin. You have to explain to him that other people have done it as well, and that you're not looking down on him for what he did. Otherwise, he's not going to admit. The shame will be too much for him.
These are all very important techniques for being able to change people. Ultimately, change comes from within. If you don't give them the strength to make the change, it's not going to happen.
Dr. Greenwald writes in his sefer Etzot V’Hadrachot, Volume two, page 43, that the one that's giving the chinuch/education has to believe in the student, that he can be successful and bring his strengths out. Because the one that's being educated can sense if you really believe in him. You could say with your mouth, “I believe in you, you can do it!” But if you don't feel that in your heart of hearts, the child will pick it up. So, these are extremely important concepts that we have to inculcate in ourselves.
We want to properly educate our children, our students, and ultimately ourselves that we can have our own inner rebuke or regret by realizing that you can sin, and it doesn't mean that you're lost. It doesn't mean that there's no hope for you. There's always hope, there's always Teshuva. We can turn around and fix ourselves.