Welcome to Emotional Wellness Daily. We've been talking about understanding who you really are and how to separate between your Da’at/self-awareness and all the other thoughts, desires, and emotions that are going on inside of you.
Rav Yerucham Levovitz, quoted in Alei Shor (vol 2, page 248) says in one of his kabbalot/resolutions of Yom Kippur, “I see that I'm not controlling myself. I'm in someone else's hands. And that someone else is the materialistic forces inside of me that are controlling me. And not only that, they're bribing my intellect- to fool him into doing improper things just to get me away from goodness. And therefore, I accept upon myself to make my Da’at , make my awareness the one in control. Hashem should help me. I have accepted upon myself, bli neder, to do things against my will five times a day.”
What does it mean against my will?Against my will means I'm at a bar mitzvah. I ate breakfast already and I'm full. And now I walk by a table with sweets and I say, “Hey, let me eat that.” But you don't need that. So I'm going to break that Ratzon. I'm not eating it.
Or, I went downstairs to my car and realize I forgot a certain sefer that I have to take to shul. “I'll get it tomorrow,” I think.
No, you're not going be lazy.
You're going back up.
That's what it means to break a Ratzon. That's what great Baalei Musar did.
They tell a story of Rav Yisrael Salantar- He once got in middle of the night because he was thirsty, and those days they didn't have plumbing. If you were thirsty, you'd have to go to the well. He got up the middle of the night and said,” I'm thirsty,” and then he said, “Maybe it's just unnecessary Ta’avah.” (Of course, this is beyond our level). He decided it was unnecessary, because he didn’t need it. But then he thought, “Hold on- maybe it's laziness.”
So what did he do? He got out of bed, went to the well, got the water out of the well, came back home and spilled it out. That way, it was clearly not desire and clearly not laziness. That's a very high level.
Rav Wolbe asks, What are these forces that are in control of us?
Rav Yerucham Levovitz uses the words, “They're Avot, and there are Toldot/ there are fathers and there are children.
What are the Avot? He says these are the evil forces that are inside of us. Like we said, after Adam HaRishon sinned, evils entered us, and they create what he calls Riboy Retzonot Sh’BaLev/ an abundance of desires in the heart. But that's not me. They're strangers. He says that it's not easy to discern or realize that these constant urges, wills or desires that constantly popping up in our hearts are all strangers.
We think desire is our self. And we think- spirituality and intellect and knowledge, that's something strange. Desire for delicacies, for honor and for money seem natural to us, but spiritual concepts, we have to force ourselves into.
Step one is to start separating your selves from your desires.
And the only way to separate your self from your desire is by not giving into your desire. When you control your desire, you can see that you are not your desire, because something is controlling your desire.
There’s a story about Napoleon (I wasn't there so I can't verify it, but it’s a story they tell in Yeshivas)
He was at war when he came ten miles from a city that was famous for its cigars.
He really did not need to capture that town for the war's success, but he decided he wanted those cigars. So he made a detour. Who knows how many people he killed on the way, but they captured this little city. Then Napoleon's second in command excitedly brought Napoleon a cigar. Napoleon took the cigar to his lips, the soldier lit the cigar and then, suddenly, Napoleon broke the cigar in half, to the amazement of everyone standing around. He responded, “Napoleon will control the cigar. The cigar will not control Napoleon.”
When you let things control you, those things are not you. Those things are outside of you.
Story number two: The Elder of Novordok was walking in the streets of Europe and saw policeman with a thief handcuffed to him. They were walking together. The thief was embarrassed when people saw him so he said, “I'm the officer and he's the thief.”
How do we know who's telling the truth? The officer is the one who can take out the keys and unlock the handcuffs. We tell ourselves, I'm in control. I can stop this anytime. I can lose 10 pounds, quit my smoking habit, etc.
But the only way to know if we can do it, that we're really in control, is when we actually do it. Otherwise, other things control us.