Going forward, this daily lesson will be retitled the SIMHA Wellness Minute..
SIMHA is an organization in the Sephardic Syrian community that helps people in the area of mental health. It stands for Sephardic Initiative for Mental Health Awareness, and since these lessons are coming from that organization, we will use that as the new name. Dedications are available, with the money going towards helping people with therapy. Our first class under this new title is dedicated by Mr. Mark Adjmi, SIMHA president, in honor of Mr. Nathan Hoffman, SIMHA treasurer.
If you would like to get involved, you can send an email to rabbisutton@simhahealth.org
Today we're going to talk about the topic of Hesed, looking through the mental health lens. In his Sefer Alei Shur (vol 2, page 198), Rav Wolbe quotes the pasuk for the source of Sedaka and Hessed. The pasuk, in Parashat Re’eh, says,
כִּֽי־פָתֹ֧חַ תִּפְתַּ֛ח אֶת־יָדְךָ֖ ל֑וֹ וְהַעֲבֵט֙ תַּעֲבִיטֶ֔נּוּ דֵּ֚י מַחְסֹר֔וֹ אֲשֶׁ֥ר יֶחְסַ֖ר לֽוֹ
Open, you should open (which means, even many times) your hand to him, and lend him enough for his lackings, that he is lacking.
So it starts off sounding like we're giving a gift, then it switches into a loan. Rashi explain each words of the pasuk. First, start to give him as a gift. If he's uncomfortable and doesn’t want to take any handouts, then, okay, make it a loan.
But in your mind, know that he might never pay it back. The words That he is lacking means you don't have to make him wealthy, but you have to fill his hole. Fill the gap. Then it says, אֲשֶׁ֥ר יֶחְסַ֖ר לֽוֹ that he is lacking. Rashi says means additionally whatever he is lacking, even if it means a horse to ride on, or a servant to run in front of him. The last word, לו, to him, refers to marrying him off, as it says, “make for him a match.”
This is a pasuk about Sedaka, and Rav Wolbe explains that that words, that he's lacking indicates that there are no norms or standards here. People are different. As an Ish Hessed, a person has to train himself to look and listen to see what the man is missing. What is he missing? This is not a general approach. It has to be a individual approach, to see what he needs. Rav Wolbe adds that when we say what he's missing means a wife (or a husband for that matter), and that doesn't mean you can just pick an name out of a hat, it has to match, so too, every need that he has has to match.
He says to imagine a wealthy man that lost his money. He had to leave his beautiful house and move to a smaller house. He had to sell his property, etc. and he was able to get over all of it, except one thing that bothers him. He doesn’t have his car anymore and he has to walk or take a public transportation system. He's embarrassed.
He's embarrassed to leave the house and he’s embarrassed to come home. He doesn't have the audacity to ask someone to please pay for even a simple rental. But we have to understand that's what he's missing. He needs that car. Of course, there are priorities and if there's someone who doesn't have food and someone doesn't have a car, you take care of the person who needs the food first. But let's say there is someone out there that feels for this cause, then he’d have a responsibility, because that's what Hessed means.
He continues and says that we're all very capable of feeling what we are missing every second. It's too hot, it's too cold. I'm hungry. We're very steeped in ourselves, but we don't nearly necessarily pay attention to what someone else needs, because we're egoistic. We're self-centered, and we don't stop thinking about what we need. Doing Hessed can, or should, be little bit of a challenge to our ego-centric self.
He explains that a lot of times, when we start looking at what someone else needs, we use our own measuring sticks.
For example, about 20 or 30 years ago, a lady complained about her mother-in-law. Why? Her mother-in-law wanted to buy her a baby carriage. But she wanted to buy her a Silver Cross baby carriage. It’s a humongous baby carriage that was popular in 1960s maybe. I think I had one when I was a baby. But the young daughter-in-law was interested in a Bugaboo or a Doona (or whatever the popular brand of that time was).
For the mother-in-law to really do Hessed, she needs to break out of her own mindset and say, “Hold on. Just because I like that, it doesn't necessarily mean that she likes that.” That's the first step of real kindness, to get out of our own heads, and start getting into the other person’s head. Look, not at what you’re missing, but at what they're missing; and not according to my standards and my needs, but to their standards.
There is a famous Israeli saying, “On taste and smell, don’t argue.”
Everyone has a taste and everyone has a smell. Everyone has a flavor that talks to them. If they like Italian, don't serve them Chinese.
Have a wonderful day.