We continue with yesterday’s theme of Social Bitachon. As we discussed, the Hovot Halevavot teaches that our attitude when dealing with, and fulfilling our responsibilities to people should not be that we want to get something out of them. Our attitude should be that we have a responsibility toward them, and, based on Ve’Ahavta LeRe’echa Kamocha- we have to love them like we love ourselves. Our attitude in our relationships with those around us has to be a Bitachon Attitude: We rely on G-d that He’ll help us in these relationships and help us make the people around us happy.
However, if we do it, not for G-d’s sake, but in order to get something in return, it won’t work.
In his words:
כי מי שתהיה דעתו בעשותו חפציהם על אחד מהדברים שזכרנו תחלה
Someone whose intention in fulfilling their needs (such as scrambling their egg, filling the car with gas, or going to the grocery store), is one of the intentions we mentioned earlier- such as doing it in order to get rewarded, to control them, to gain respect, to get ahead, or to get the thanks,
וייגע לריק
he will toil for naught. He will not fulfill that intent.
In fact, the opposite will happen. But, if you do it with the right attitude,
ואם הוא נוהג בזה לעבודת האלהים בלבד יעזרם האלהים לגמל אותו בעולם הזה
וישים בפיהם שבחו ויגדל ענינו בעיניהם
And if you take care of your parents, your children, your spouse and your siblings because it’s a service of G-d, G-d will help you fulfill your responsibilities towards them. They’ll start praising you, saying, Wow, what a great Dad, Mom, brother, son or sister.
It won’t be the empty “You’re the best mom ever” that the boy gives at his bar mitzvah, when the parents have written his speech! This is real thanks, real appreciation. The Hovot Halevavot is giving us the secret to this.
Why is it that some parents get true appreciation from their children, even when it seems like they do almost nothing, whereas other parents go out of their way to please their children, and they never get any thanks?
Of course there are other possible reasons for this, but the Hovot Halevavot is giving us a secret:
If a person is taking care of his responsibilities Leshem Shamayim, he will be appreciated in this world,
ויגיע אל הגמול הגדול בעולם הבא
and the next word as well.
If a person is Leshem Shamayim, he gets both.
His source is Shelomo HaMelech.
When G-d asked Shelomo what he wanted- wisdom, honor or power, Shlomo Hamelech opted for wisdom, in order to know Hashem.
And Hashem said if your intention was for wisdom, for My sake,
וגם אשר לא שאלת נתתי לך וגו'.
I will also give you honor and wealth, even though you didn’t ask for them.
The Hovot Halevavot applies this to relationships.
If your intentions are to take care of your children or your parents for G-d’s sake, then you get the wealth and honor too. But that’s a bonus. You’re not looking for respect or credit.
This is a tremendous Hiddush, because we don’t usually look at relationships this way.
The Rambam goes so far as to apply this to Kivud Av V’Em (respecting one’s parents).
Kivud Av V’Em is seemingly one of the most logical, sensible mitzvot there are. Our parents brought us into this world. We are only here because of them. We owe them everything. Of course we should take care of them and respect them! But it’s a mitzvah to respect them.
How far does it go?
Rambam writes from the Gemarah that even if a parent were to take a bag of gold and throw it into the ocean (and you couldn’t stop it), you are not permitted to embarrass them, pain them or even show anger. How is this possible? The Rambam tells us the secret:
אלה יקבל גזרת הכתוב וישתוק
Accept the decree of the pasuk, and keep quiet.
Kivud Av V’Em, besides being sensible and logical, is also mitzvah in the Torah, like the Parah Adumah (the Red Heffer), a Hok that we don’t understand.
We slaughter it, then burn it, then sprinkle the ashes....What are we doing? It’s very, very expensive. Why are we burning our money? Because Hashem told us to. Kivud Av V’Em is the same. All relationships are that way, as well all. Ultimately, everything we do must be with this mitzvah-attitude:Because G-d said so, and not for any other reason.
Then we say, “G-d, help me. Let it work out. My intent is not for respect or honor.”
That’s the approach of social bitachon, as per Hovot Halevavot.
Hopefully these two classes will be of help.
Have a great day.