The Hovot Halevavot, when discussing Bitachon in social situations, breaks everything down into units in his very systematic way : Money, health, various challenges.... and now he talks about bitachon in social life.
First he discusses how bitachon applies to a person who is alone (which we will get back to later), and then he discusses how to apply bitachon when it comes to dealing with your family. There are all different kinds of people we have to relate to in our families. Some we like, and some that dislike us. Wives, relatives... Everyone has different issues when dealing with people.
Where does bitachon fit in?
Firstly, we rely on Hashem that we’ll be able to fulfill our obligations to our family members. We have to try our best to give them what they need, and get along with them. When a man gets married, he signs a contract. He has responsibilities to his wife and likewise, the wife has responsibilities to her husband. Similarly, parents have responsibilities to their children, and children have responsibilities to their parents.
There are demands and expectations of us. How can we satisfy their needs properly and fulfill our obligations? We have to rely on Hashem and do our hishtadlut to fulfill these obligations.
Furthermore, the Hovot HaLevavot says, we have a responsibility to be loyal to our spouses, parents, children and siblings. We have to do our best for our family members in all areas of life, both physical and spiritual. Why?
Because, he says, of the pasuk that says:
VeAhavta LeRe’echa Kamocha
Love your friend like you love yourself.
Everything the Hovot Halevavot says is important, but this has major impact.
Think about it.
When you see a nice dessert at a wedding, and you wrap it up to bring home for your wife or husband, or when you bring back a little souvenir from your business trip for your child, what are you thinking? That you really want that Wyoming mug? Or is it that your children miss you and they’ll be happy when you bring something home for them?
Hashem want us to love others like we love ourselves. This applies to all people, but our families are our priority. So when you buy the trinket or bring home the dessert, you’re fulfilling
VeAhavta LeRe’echa Kamocha.
At a wedding, we call the Hatan and Kallah
“Re’im Ahuvim- beloved friends”: VeAhavta LeRe’echa Kamocha.....love your friend like you love yourself.
This puts everything in a different perspective.
Everything we do for our friends and family should be done with the attitude that it’s a mitzvah and a responsibility. We have to think of it as our responsibility; that should be our focus.
Then he says something that is extremely important. It’s worth going through all our past lessons to hear this:
לא ליחל הגמול מהם
You’re not doing it in order to get a thank you.
You don’t bring home the mug just to get the thank you. In fact, your son might even throw it on the floor and complain about it.
You aren’t looking for the praise.
Furthermore he says,
ולא לקדם אצלם
It’s not in order push yourselves forward in how they look at you, to gain respect or get praise from them, or to control them.
אך לקיים מצות הבורא ולשמור בריתו ופקודיו עליהם.
It’s only because it’s a mitzvah to Hashem, and because we are loyal, keeping our covenant with our spouse, our parents, and our children....
It’s very important to know this, because when
people do things and look for respect and honor, it can get frustrating.
Many years ago, a man approached me, regarding my summer Shabbat ladies’ class. He told me that he thought his wife attended, and asked to me to tell the ladies that, “While they’re sitting and tanning themselves, I’m out there working hard, shlepping to the city, sitting in traffic, etc. They should know that.”
Interestingly, a different lady came to me
(it would’ve been funny if she was his wife) and asked me to tell the men that “while you’re sitting in the office eating lunch and watching the yankee game, the kids are all home from camp and I’m pulling my hair out.
I’d much rather go to the city!”
Each one was looking for credit for what they were doing.
Stop! You’re not taking caring of your kids because someone thanks you. You’re doing it for the mitzvah. Do you put on Tefilin so that your wife can say thank you? Do you separate challah so that your husband can say thank you? No. You do it because it’s a mitzvah.
Of course, they’re supposed to say thank you. But that’s not what you should be thinking about.
The Hovot HaLevavot says that when you do it this way, then they will love you.
But if a person is out for the credit, he won’t get anywhere.
To be continued...
Have a great day.