Welcome to Emotional Wellness Daily, a project of SIMHA, the Sephardic Initiative for Mental Health Awareness. We continue with the cognitive distortions as listed by Dr. Greenwald, in his sefer Etzot V’Hadrachot, based on the lessons of the Steipler.
We're discussing a person who thinks he must always rely on others. He must always ask others and depend on others. He doesn't have an opinion. We discussed how detrimental that is, because the person never develops himself.
This is a very interesting and important point. Yesterday we quoted Rav Wolbe who says that someone, when someone is learning, if he is always looking to see what the commentaries say, without developing his own understanding, he is, ‘clogging up the wellsprings of wisdom.’ What exactly does that mean?
There's a sefer that’s famous in the yeshiva world, called the Shev Shamtata. In his introduction, he brings down from the Zohar that there are three different types of water receptacles. A bor, which is a pit, a be’er, which is a well, and a ma’ayan, which is a wellspring, like a geyser that shoots out water.
A bor gets water from the outside.
A be’er is its own source of water. And he explains, based on the Zohar, that man was brought to this world to start out as a bor/pit. You come into this world without knowledge, and you fill up with knowledge from your teachers, your rabbis, your parents and whoever it may be. But the goal is to go from a בור from a pit into a באר well, which is your own source, and eventually to become a Ma’ayan HaMitgaber, to becoming like a geyser, which gives off to others as well.
The mishna in Pirkei Avot talks about rating different Tana’im, great students of Rabbi Yochanan Ben Zachai, and the greatest level was Rabbi Elazar Ben Arach, who was a Ma’ayan Hamitgaber. He was his own wellspring, his own source. That is what life is. Life is about being your own source. Your heart is beating, but not because you're on a respirator. That's not life. Life comes from within. And that's why the Maharal says a well is called the Be’er Mayim Chaim/a well of living waters.
But are there dead waters and living waters? It says living waters means the waters comes from themselves. Most people know Be’er Mayim Chaim as a brand of kosher soft drinks. And it comes from this concept, of a wellspring of living waters. With this, the Maharal explains something fascinating. There's a famous pasuk in Mishleh, One who hates gifts, will live. What does that mean? Why do I have to hate gifts? He explains that someone who lives on gifts doesn’t have his own independence. It’s all coming from the outside. And someone who hates gifts is the ultimate- it means everything comes from within, I don't take from anybody, Yihyeh, that's called life. And it's not only with gifts, it's with learning, it’s with advice, it's with ideas. Ultimately, it has to come from within. Of course, you have to check with others and make sure you are on the right track. But a person has to live a life from within.
Dr. Greenwald adds that part of this lacking, of the man that's always asking others, is that he doesn't take responsibility for his life.
This is extremely important.
אם אין אני לי, מי לי
Rav Wolbe talks about how when people want to get married, they ask their father, their mother, their aunt, their uncle. But, he says, marriage is your decision. You have to take the responsibility. And he says, it's a horror to come to the point in life where someone can't decide on their own, when they have no opinion. They've gone through life without ever making a decision on their own and they can't even decide to get married.
Of course, if you need help and you need advice, fine.
But ultimately, good advice givers are those who bring out the wisdom from within the person. They let them realize, they let them see.
They don't make a decision for them. The person says “I'm realizing she's a little too self-centered. She's always talking about herself. I'm not sure she's for me.”
“Aha! You just said it. I didn't say that. I'm opening your eyes that you now see it. It’s not that I gave you my opinion. I brought out your opinion.” Everyone has the knowledge inside themselves. It says on Shlomo Hamelech that it's like someone has a deep wisdom in a well, like a deep well of water, but you can't get it because you need a pail.
The wise man is able to take the pail and put it deep, deep down and bring it out. That's what a person who gives good advice is to somebody. They're not giving them advice. They're allowing them to release their own knowledge and make their own decision. Because ultimately in life, you have to take responsibility for yourself.
Have a wonderful day.