Welcome to Emotional Wellness Daily, a project of SIMHA.
We're talking about dating and the need for the person to make a decision for himself. This goes back to a very interesting Chazon Ish quoted by Rav Wolbe, in a pamphlet that he wrote for grooms, as well as in Aleh Shor, quoting the famous Gemara in Masechet Sotah that says 40 days before conception, a heavenly decree or announcement goes out and says, “Bat Ploni L’Ploni/the daughter of So-and-so will marry So-and-so.”
Rav Wolbe asks a question. “Why do I need this echo/announcement? Who's going to listen to it? If someone gets married now, the echo went out 20 years ago. What's the purpose? For the angels to put in their calendars that there's a wedding in 20 years from now?”
He answers that when the couple meets each other and the boy or girl has a positive feeling, and their heart leans in a positive way, they're hearing the Bat Kol. That means that this is something that the person themselves has to hear. It's not for an outsider to say, “This boy (or girl) is for you.” The couple has to meet, and they have to hear the Bat Kol.
Going off now on a bit of psychological approach, Dr. Sorotzkin says this concept of listening to the Bat Kol only works if someone takes his own feelings seriously. Someone who doesn't take his own feelings feeling seriously will be missing one of the basic tools necessary for making this important decision.
He'll find it nearly impossible to even relate to the question, ‘What do you feel?’
He’ll think, “What do you mean, ‘What do I feel?’ I don't have an opinion.”
If he dates a girl and discovers he doesn't particularly like her (or a girl dates a boy that she doesn't like), but can't find anything specifically wrong with the prospective person, he might feel incapable of saying no. What will I tell the Shadchan? What will I tell my parents? The thought that he's entitled to simply say No, because he's not comfortable enough with this specific girl (or boy) is foreign to him.
And then, of course, anxiety steps in
and may compel the person to embark on a frantic round of advice seeking. However, when advice is not integrated with a person's own thoughts and feelings, the person often doesn't feel comfortable with the advice. This is an important point. There are things in life that we need to decide for ourselves. We need to make a decision and there has to be something inside of us that's going to make that decision.
As we’ve quoted in the past, in his sefer Binyan U’Zericha, Rav Wolbe says that when our children begin dating, we must not push them towards particular candidates or pressure them to conclude the process.
Getting married is the most personal decision our children will ever make. Only they can decide whom they should go out with or how long they should date. Unfathomable pain has been caused by parents and others who pressure children to get married.
Some people will say, “What do you mean? If they don't feel pressured, they'll never get married.”
So I want to add an important point here. There is sometimes room for pressure, but the pressure is on the person to make a decision.
I know people that someone else decided for them and they didn't like it and they don't feel comfortable now, because someone forced them into it. I was forced into a shidduch, they say. But if, ultimately, the person takes responsibility, if they say, “You know what? It's possible that this person might have a certain problem but I'm aware of it, and I'm going to do it anyway,” they chose it. They take responsibility, “I made my bed, I'm going to have to sleep in it. It was my decision.”
Rav Wolbe continues, “I once spoke with a young man who had gotten engaged two months earlier.
When I met him, the man complained. He had no desire whatsoever to marry his fiancé. I asked, ‘If that's the case, why'd you get engaged? Why'd you pick the
girl?’ He answered, “My relatives, my parents, et cetera.”
Rav Wolbe says, “Oh, what pain that caused! They told him everything would be all right, but it wasn't.”
If we force our children into such a marriage, you can imagine what their home life will look like.
A Shadchan might say, “What do you mean? I've done it hundreds of times and it worked!”
The answer is, you think it worked, because they never come back to tell you. That's the interesting thing. They don't come back. The person that pushed the person into it never gets the feedback. The therapists hear about it, someone else hears about it, but they don't hear about it. So no one should use their track record as proof of their abilities to make those decisions. Unless the person has Ruach HaKodesh, which is few and far between, nobody should take the responsibility of telling somebody to marry this or that person.
It is, quoting Rav Wolbe, the most personal decision that a person can make and only they will make it.
Have a wonderful day.