A famous verse in Tehillim (34:15) instructs, סור מרע ועשה טוב – “Turn away from evil and perform goodness.”
This admonition is commonly explained to mean that we must first “turn away from evil” before we seek to “perform goodness.” That is to say, we should not look to engage in exceptionally good deeds while we are still tainted by sin. For example, it is very noble to donate money to charity, but one must first ensure to avoid dishonesty in business before he seeks to perform great charitable acts. Indeed, the Bet Ha’levi comments that Parashat Mishpatim, which discusses civil law, appears in the Torah before Parashat Terumah, which speaks of donating materials for the Mishkan, to teach that one must first conduct himself in a just, honest manner before making charitable donations.
Rav Shlomo Wolbe, however, taught that the Rabbis of Mussar explained the concept of סור מרע ועשה טוב differently. They said that the way to achieve סור מרע is through עשה טוב. If a person struggles with a certain negative trait, then instead of focusing on resisting that tendency, he is advised to instead focus on the opposite trait. For example, if a person has a short temper, then rather than focusing on avoiding anger, he should focus to engendering within himself patience. If a person finds that he often has a tendency to look at improper sights, then instead of trying to avoid looking at inappropriate sights, he should focus on accustoming himself to think about sacred matters, marvel at G-d’s world, contemplate Torah concepts, and so on.
We live in a very cynical world, where many people frequently talk negatively, complaining and criticizing all the time. The best way to overcome this tendency, which plagues so many of us, is to focus on doing just the opposite – speaking positively, giving compliments and praise, and verbally expressing admiration and appreciation for people and things. Positive speech will gradually have the effect of eliminating negative speech.
Shabbat is the time especially suited for this endeavor, for accustoming ourselves to speak positively. We begin Shabbat with the recitation of kiddush, in which we give praise to the Almighty for creating this beautiful world. We step away from our disappointments and difficulties of the workweek and take time to express our gratitude and appreciation for the beautiful world and our beautiful lives. This is the best thing we can do to overcome the tendency to speak negatively – to give praise. Shabbat begins with words of praise to Hashem, and it should continue with words of praise both to Hashem as well as to the people in our lives, and this will have a profound impact upon the quality of our speech throughout the week.
On a recent trip to Bnei-Brak, I visited Rebbetzin Koledetsky, a daughter of Rav Chaim Kanievsky, with a group of women, one of whom asked for advice for maintaining shalom bayit (peace in the home). The Rebbetzin gave two suggestions. The first is ויתור – to accustom oneself to give in and not be insistent on having things the way he or she wants. Secondly, she said, everyone should give his or her spouse two compliments each day. To this I might add that just as on Shabbat we have two loaves of bread, we should double our compliments on Shabbat, and give our spouse four compliments. Shabbat is the time to work on increasing positivity in speech, and so it would be appropriate to be especially generous with our praise and compliments on Shabbat.
The story is told in Artscroll’s biography of Rebbetzin Batsheva Kanievsky that one Friday morning, her husband, Rav Chaim, was making a siyum on several masechtot (Talmudic tractates) together with his havruta (study partner), Rav Tzvi Yabrov. The Rebbetzin brought coffee and cake from the kitchen for the celebration, as she did whenever Rav Chaim made a siyum, but this time she brought an extra-large glass of coffee that she had never used before.
In the presence of all the men in the room, the Rebbetzin declared, “Chaim, the reason I brought in such a large glass is that you deserve extra coffee today because you made a siyum. I’m so proud of you!”
Later, the Rebbetzin explained to Rav Yabrov that it is vitally important to give compliments, and it is particularly important for a wife to compliment her husband. She normally complimented Rav Chaim in private, she said, but once in a while she gave him praise in public, as well.
The Rebbetzin then made a remarkable statement: “The words a wife uses to praise her husband are the most precious words she will say in her life. There is never a situation where one spouse gives another too much praise.”
I recall once reading about a certain marriage counselor who said that he was able to predict the future success of a couple’s marriage when meeting with them by seeing the ratio of compliments to criticism. The more a couple’s compliments exceed their criticism, the greater the chances that they will enjoy a happy marriage. Praise and compliments are vital in a relationship, and it is the best way for us to overcome our natural negative tendencies.
On Shabbat, when the family spends time together around the table, we have so many precious opportunities to enhance the quality of our speech. We should make a point of speaking pleasantly to one another, to compliment each another, to share words of Torah, and to greet each other in a warm, friendly fashion.
One might wonder whether there is value is giving compliments after he is prompted by listening to a class on the importance of compliments. If the other person also heard the class, and knows that the compliment is given only because a Rabbi taught that compliments are valuable, what effect will the compliment have? (This reminds me of the humorous story of a young man who asked his Rabbi for advice as he and his wife were having marital problems. The Rabbi advised the young husband to bring his wife a bouquet of flowers. The man did as he was told, and as he handed her the bouquet he said, “Here, my Rabbi told me I should buy you flowers.” Quite obviously, this did not go over too well…)
I can answer this question based on personal experience. Whenever I give a class about compliments, invariably, people approach me after the class to compliment me. Obviously, they do that because they just heard about the importance of compliments. But still, it leaves me with a good feeling. We all enjoy compliments and receive encouragement from them.
A person told me about a certain businessman who was trying to make a sale, and so he repeatedly complimented the buyer. At one point the buyer said, “I know you’re complimenting me because you’re trying to make the sale, but it feels good, so keep it up.”
As Rebbetzin Kanievsky said, spouses can never give each other too many compliments. This is true in all relationships, as well. Let us, then, work to overcome the negativity that abounds in this world through positive speech. Shabbat is the perfect opportunity to focus on giving compliments to the people around us, to give praise to Hashem, and to speak positively about everything in our lives.