Welcome to Simha’s Emotional Wellness Minute. Today we continue with the discussion of Noseh B’Ol, which is loosely translated as empathy.
Rav Wolbe, in his sefer Alei Shor (vol 1 pg 253) explains that this trait is all inclusive. Not only does it apply to the wealthy and the poor, but it also applies to the living and the dead. How so?
He explains that we know, heaven forbid, that there are different stages of mourning: the day of death, the day of burial, the first three days of mourning (called the three days of crying), the seven days, the thirty days, and the year. Interestingly enough, these match the judgment that goes on with the deceased.
The strictest judgment is on the day of death, and then comes the three days, the seven days the thirty days, and the year. That's why people do different things to elevate the soul of the deceased. Ideally, on their day of death, great people arrange to give large sums of Sedaka. Then, during the Sheloshim and over the year, we do things in their merit. Is it a coincidence that the seven days of the mourners match the seven days of the judgment…and so on? Rav Wolbe says no. The mourners aren’t crying over themselves because they're missing something. They're crying because they have empathy for the deceased.
As a mashal, if someone's wife is in labor, but, because of Covid restrictions, he’s told to sit outside the Labor room (where he’s able to hear his wife screaming), a feeling, empathetic husband is not going to be eating ice cream while listening to his wife in labor. That would not be very empathetic. In the spirit of Rav Aryeh Levin who said, “Our leg hurts,” when he accompanied his wife to the doctor, you don’t eat ice cream while ‘we’ are giving birth.
Similarly, Rav Wolbe explains, we're actually feeling for the deceased during the mourning.
When a child doesn’t attend a wedding for the whole year, it's not because he’s sad. He’s not going to the wedding because he doesn’t know what's going on with his parent and he wants to do his best to alleviate their suffering.
Rav Wolbe adds that not only does Noseh B’Ol apply to living and the dead, it applies to the righteous and the wicked, because wicked people suffer as well.
Rav Wolbe says, “How foolish are the people who think that they can just say the words ‘Yimach Shemo/Erase his name’, heaven forbid, on any wicked person.” He tells a story that his rabbi, Rabbi Yerucham Levovitz, told of his rabbi, the Elder of Kelm. During the week, the Elder of Kelm’s face was pale, but his face always shined on Shabbat. Then, one Shabbat, his students were surprised to see that there was no change in his face. He had the same, pale look on Shabbat that he did all week. Then, Motzei Shabbat, after Havdala, the Elder of Kelm groaned and said, “Peretz Smolenskin has died.” Peretz Smolenskin was an anti-religious Jew who caused a lot of problems. The students were surprised that the Elder of Kelm would groan over the death of this wicked person? He continued, saying, “Who can fathom and imagine the pain that his soul is experiencing when he enters the world of truth and he's being judged? His whole life, he was fighting for a cause and he’s going to find out it’s a nonsensical cause.”
As a mashal, how is Fauci going to feel when he gets to the true world and finds out that masks didn't make a difference, that shutdowns didn't make a difference, that closing people in for all that time didn't make a difference.. He won't be very happy to be proven wrong (this is just a mashal- I am not trying to trigger anyone).
So how do we feel for those people?
Do we just say, “Good for him!?” Or do we actually feel for his suffering?
In this area, language can sometimes impact empathy. We can look at a person and say, “Oh, look at that guy. He's a drug addict.” But I was taught that that's really not the right way to express it. The right way to express is, “Look at that man. He's suffering with addiction.” He's a human being. He's not an addict. He's a human being that’s suffering.
Do you think he wants this life? Do you think he chose this life? He had a lot going on behind the scenes.
Like the story of the Chafetz Chaim and the troubled Jewish soldier… his first question was, “What's this man's background?What trauma did he suffer,” someone that's Noseh B’Ol will look with that lens, and think, “What's this man suffering from? What caused his suffering?” And he’ll think about how painful it is.
Have a wonderful day.