The Hovot HaLevavot quotes one of the Hassidim (a term which refers to a pious man of yesteryear) from 800 years ago.
This man used to say:
אני תמה ממי שנותן לחברו מה שגזר לו אצלו הבורא
ואחר כך יזכיר לו טובתו עליו
“I am amazed when someone who gives someone something that G-d has decreed should be given, then reminds the recipient of the favor he did for him
בו ויבקש להודות אותו עליו.
and wants to be thanked and remembered for this.”
For example, a poor man goes to a wealthy man for charity, and the wealthy man expects the poor man to thank him and to remember him. This does not apply only to charity. This refers to any benevolent person in a position to give or help someone, such as a shadchan, a neighbor suggesting a potential tenant, or anyone doing someone a favor. The person doing the favor wants to be remembered. The hassid is surprised by this. He feels that the person doing the favor should realize he’s just G-d’s messenger.
That is one level. There’s more:
ויותר אני תמה ממי שקבל טרפו על ידי אחר מכרח
לתתו לו ויכנע לו ויפיסהו וישבחהו.
“I’m even more amazed at the person who has received his sustenance through someone else, yet despite the fact that the person who gave it had to give it, he humbles himself, appeases him and praises him.”
The hassid is even more amazed when the recipient starts thanking, praising and appeasing the giver. He wonders: Why should he react this way if the giver is only a messenger of G-d?
This sounds strange to us.
Rav Eliyahu Dessler is bothered by this statement too. Furthermore, he quotes what the Hovot HaLevavot himself has said,
ויודה למי שנעשה על ידו על לבו הטוב לו
When a person comes through for you, you have a responsibility to thank the person that did it. He cared about you.
So why would the Hovot HaLevavot tell us he’s surprised at the recipient for saying think you? His own statement seems to contradict the hassid’s message.
Rav Dessler explains that we have to read the words of the Hovot HaLevavot carefully. He says the complaint isn’t that the recipient is thankful. Of course we believe in gratitude and hakarat hatov. There’s just one word that’s the problem: ויכנע לו - he is humbled. He feels lowered. This is the problem. When a person receives something, he doesn’t have to feel low. There are people on the receiving end at times. That’s how it works. Some people can’t afford things. There are rabbis that have to go collecting for their schools. When a person receives something from someone else, he doesn’t have to feel like there is something wrong with him. There is nothing wrong. Some organizations give and some receive.
People sometimes feel very down and depressed because they’re receiving. Maybe they’re behind on their rent or their mortgage and need help. The Hovot HaLevavot says don’t feel low because you’re receiving from someone else. He didn’t give it to you. Of course, you should thank him and appreciate his efforts, but don’t feel second class, humbled or lowly. The whole world is on the receiving end. Everyone gets from G-d. We are all receiving. G-d decrees on Rosh Hashanah what every one gets. It’s just a question of whom the intermediary will be. For one man it might be the buyer of a company he sells to, and for another it’s an organization. A person shouldn’t feel second class for being on the receiving end, because we are all on receiving end. That’s what the hassid meant, says Rabbi Dessler. Of course, we are always thankful and always appreciative, but we should never feel second class, because we know G-d gives everyone equally.