Welcome to Emotional Wellness Daily, a project of SIMHA, the Sephardic Initiative for Mental Health Awareness. We spoke yesterday about someone who is Mevater-that gives in when he is really not holding by it. He's giving in when he's really unhappy and it turns into resentment.
Rav Yosef Engel (1859-1919) who was a Rabbi of Krakow and Vienna, was a prolific author. In Bereshit 1,31, where it says God saw everything that He did. And behold , Tov Me’od/It was very good, the rabbis of the Midrash Bereshit Rabba 9,6 make a Derasha that Tov is the Yetzer HaTov/good inclination, and Me’od/Very good is the Yetzer Hara.
That sounds odd. I thought being very good is great. Don’t we want to be very good?
Rabbi Engel, in his sefer Tiferet Yosef, explains with the famous Rambam that all Middot are good when they're balanced, when they're in middle. But when they go overboard, then it's like too much sugar or too much salt in a recipe.
Middot means a measure. You need to have the right measure. Tov Me’od/Too much gets you into trouble when it comes to Middot. That's the application here. Giving in too much, improper giving in, doesn't work.
We have to look more carefully at the stories told to us about the greats who gave in, and see how they felt when they gave in. Let's go back to the Queen of Vitur, Rachel Imenu. When it describes how all the Avot went to plead a behalf of the Jewish people at the time of the Churban, it says they were not answered until Rachel came along. Rachel said, “You know that Yaakov worked seven years for me, and when it came time for me to get married, I knew my father was going to make the switch, and it hurt me a lot. I didn't want my sister to get Yaakov.”
Think about that. We might assume that Rachel was just an angel. But no, she didn't want to lose Yaakov. So, she came up with the idea of the simanim/signs and told Yaakov, “My father is going to trick us, so these are the Simanim.”
Most people don't know this background. She did not want to lose Yaakov. That's normal, and maybe that was right. But then she said, ‘I worked on myself. I changed my mind and I controlled myself. I had mercy on my sister that she shouldn't be embarrassed, and I gave the signs to my sister.’
And still, that was not enough. To that, she adds, “And I wasn't jealous.” She had to add the words ‘I wasn't jealous,’ the commentaries explain, because it's possible that she might have done all of that and then changed her mind and resented it. She could have been jealous and unhappy, like Honyoh, the son of Shimon Hasadik, who did a great deed for his brother, but in the end, regretted it.
The claim of Rachel, that caused the Jewish people to be saved, was her Vitur, but not a Vitur that hurt. Her Vitur was the Vitur of enjoying.
Rav Michel Yehuda Leftkowitz was once consulted by the parents of a girl who was thinking of marrying a young man who was a very big Matmid/ a very intense learner, even though she was really not happy with his personality.
Rav Michel Yehuda Leftkowitz, the great Gadol of Bnei Brak, advised the parents that if she feels she's going to be sacrificing her happiness by marrying this young man, but is willing to do so for the sake of Torah, she should not go ahead with it.
That word sacrificing is not a good word. The Chazon Ish said we're not looking for Korbanot. We're not looking for sacrifices. It's supposed to be enjoyable, not sacrificing, not painful. When Vitur is enjoyable, that's greatness. When Vitur is painful, that means you're not holding there yet. You're not at that level, and that's okay. It's a chasidut it’s a greatness, but as it says, chasidut needs balance. You need to know it's extra credit. That's why not everyone can be a hasid. Mesilat Yesharim says, “If you do hasidut and you're not holding there, it's going to backfire. That's why we have to be careful in this desire for Vitur.
Sometimes, when telling stories to and training our children in Vitur, we might leave out this important condition. Yes Vitur, but with enjoyment. Do it with a smile and with appreciation for the great thing that you did.
And be happy about.