Welcome to Emotional Wellness Daily, a project of SIMHA, the Sephardic Initiative for Mental Health Awareness. We’ve been going through different cognitive distortions as quoted by Dr. Greenwald in his sefer Etzot V’Hadrachot, based on teachings of the Steipler.
We're up to mistake number 6, which is the idea that a person should always rely on people that are stronger and greater than him, and he should not rely on himself. That's a mistake.
It’s a mistake to think I always need to ask others, and I can't do anything on my own. I have to ask my parents, my teachers, my rabbi, my older brother, my sister, and I have to do everything based on them.
He says that, of course, ultimately, we rely on Hashem, but that's the religious aspect -here he’s talking about psychologically. Someone that's always taking help from somebody else when it's not necessary, when he's able to do it himself, “loses his independence and his uniqueness.” Everyone has inside of them a certain unique character that God created. No one individual is created like the next. By this person never allowing his own abilities to develop, ‘His own talents and abilities shrink and atrophy. They don't come out in the way they should.’
So here we have this fellow that has so many good qualities, and ideas, but he's always relying on others.
This is an important point because people misunderstand the concept of asking Da’at Torah.
Rav Wolbe used to say that before going to the Steipler (Rav Chaim Kanievsky’s father z’l), one should think through the question and all the different options and possibilities. Then, when you come to a decision, then you go and ask somebody.
Asking someone doesn't mean you're not there. There’s a a concept called Mevatel Da’at/I annul my knowledge to a man that's greater than me.
But in order to annul something, you have to have something. There are people that have no brain at all. What do you want? I'll ask my rabbi.
But what do you want?
And if not the rabbi, ‘I’ll ask mother, my mother-in-law, my sister, and my sister-in-law.’
This happens more, Rav Wolbe says, in Yeshivot. It's a good thing to ask your rabbi, but first you have to have an opinion. He used to say the same thing about learning Gemara. You can’t just say, “Let me see what the commentaries say.”
This, in his words, “Clogs up the wellsprings of wisdom.”
You have to see what you think. Then check if you're right. He goes so far as saying that when the Chazon Ish, the great of the greats used to learn a Gemara for the first time, he would not look at Rashi. He would say, “How do I understand the Gemara?… And now let's see what Rashi says and where I went wrong.” That's the way to develop yourself. Not to blank yourself out to the extent that there is no me, and I'm always asking. Again, It's this is not a contradiction to asking somebody. But first, you have to have something to ask. First, you have to develop it yourself. You're not a blank piece of paper.
He continues on and says, “The more you rely and count on others, the more you need to rely on them.” Why? You're not going to learn from experience.” Experience is the best teacher.
As the Gemara says, Man does not understand something unless he stumbles first.
This person who always asks, never has experience. He does not develop resilience because you develop resilience from making mistakes and getting up again. He never made mistakes because he only asks people. Now his heart is going be filled with a lack of self confidence, so that he cannot do anything at all on his own.
He takes no longer takes any responsibility for his life because he thinks, “I don't know. I'll just ask somebody else.” We weren't put on this world to just keep asking people.
We’ll discuss this a little bit more in the next lesson.