Welcome to Emotional Wellness Daily Project of SIMHA, the Sephardic Initiative for Mental Health Awareness. Yesterday, Dr. Katzenstein spoke about a concept called, “Yes, And..” versus, “Yes, But…”
‘Yes, but...’ means, “Yes, it's true, but…” the but means we're negating the previous statement. “Yes, and..” means I can tolerate both.
In psychology, this is called dialectics, which is when two things seem opposite, and yet they're both true.
As always, this concept shows up in the Torah. There’s a Yalkut Shemoni on the Shir Hashirim, that says, “I am black, and I am beautiful.”
Asks the midrash, “Can the person be black and beautiful?” It says it's comparable to a princess who did something wrong. Her father sent her out of the house and she was out gathering, and became darkened from the sun.
And her friend started teasing her and she said, “Don't look at me that I'm black. I am sunburned. So, I am black and I am beautiful.”
This means, “It's possible that I've sinned, but that doesn't take away from my inherent beauty.” They're both true. This is an important concept. As we've said in the past, people sometimes look at things as all or nothing. It’s the Yetzer Hara, that says, if I did one thing wrong, that totally disqualifies me.
We use a term in yeshiva called posul. Doing something wrong doesn't posul you. There can be wrong and right at the same time. This is the way we have to be able to act, and it's the way God acts. We've quoted the past, a question that Rav Elya Lopian has about a Sotah, who is suspected of sinning by her husband. She has to go through the whole process of embarrassment. Eventually, she drinks the waters. If she has sinned, she explodes. Or, in the best case scenario, if she hasn’t sinned, she's blessed with a child. Rav Lopian asks the question: How could it be that she is blessed with a child? She is a sinful woman. She was alone with another man, after her husband told her not to be. She might not have committed an act, but she's definitely not the most righteous of ladies, to have been alone with another man for an extended period of time, against her husband's wishes.
And Rav Lopian answers, That's true. She's not the best lady, but she is the best lady, because she controlled herself and could have done something much worse.
This is a perfect example of how our Torah looks at things as, “Yes, And..”
Yes, she did something wrong, And she also controlled herself. You can do something wrong and control yourself at the same time.
We can also connect this to the famous Rashi that Yaakov Avinu was held accountable for putting Dina in a box, so that Esav should not lay his eyes on her.
He was punished that eventually Dina was violated by Shechem. God said, You didn't want her to marry someone who was your brother… She'll end up being violated by this man.
The obvious question is, Esav was a scoundrel! Of course Dina shouldn't have to marry Esav.
The Elder of Kelm answer is that Yaakov Avinu closed the door of the box too firmly.
He knocked the nails in too hard. Yaakov Avinu was held accountable, of course, on his level, for not having a Yes, And.. attitude. Yes, I don't want her for my brother. And I still feel bad that I wish my daughter could have turned around my brother. Sometimes, we have to have both. “Yes, I'm upset that this man is a sinner, and I feel bad for him at the same time.”
This is important in a lot of areas of life. Dr. Katzenstein applied it to anxiety, and for someone receiving feedback.
I gave a speech:
Yes, it was a good speech And, it was too long.
Yes, it was a good speech. And I spoke too fast.
Yes, it was a good speech, And I wasn't so clear.
It's not a contradiction. Those few negative feedbacks don't posul your speech. And the same is true in so many areas. That's why this is an important issue, to stress and restress- we're able to have two things the same time. At the Akedah, it says on one hand, Avraham Avinu was crying bitterly, but on the other hand, his heart was happy. A person can be crying and also be happy. He can be sad and rejoicing at the same time.
That's the ability of Yes, And… which is an important area to develop within ourselves.
Have a wonderful day.