I was really going to speak about a totally different topic. I was going to speak about Purim and the realities of how to make it real. But the rabbi asked me to speak about parenting, and I would like to share some of my ideas about what it means to have teenage boys.
I don't know about you, but I can tell you that I was not an easy teenager. If I were to redo my life, I would like to make certain changes along the way, but I don't think I would redo my teenage years because they were too difficult a time. I would like to share some of my ideas about what I feel teenagers need and how to deal with them.
We're living in a time when people are afraid. They live in fear of their children. They're afraid to make a move. Who knows what's going to happen? They're not going to be religious. They're not going to follow our ways. They're not going to do this; they're not going to be that. I want to clarify, from years of experience, what I find we have seen over and over again. Children—and let's discuss teenagers, because that's what we're talking about right now—teenagers who receive love from their parents without guidelines, or guidelines without love, are in a problematic situation.
A teenager is really a child. The only thing is, he's in an adult's body. So he looks like an adult, but in reality, he's still a child. Therefore, when we look at him, we think we're dealing with an adult child. When we say things to him as we would to another adult, and he doesn't react the way an adult reacts, we become upset with him and react accordingly. When we react to a little child—and therefore, when many times they ask for things, would you grant your eight-year-old child something?—just because he's a teenager, that doesn't mean we should jump to give him permission.
I have a 16-year-old girl, a good teenager, with all the joys of teenagehood, and she comes to me and says, “I would like to get a license.” So I say, “That's very nice.” She says, “So can I go?” I say, “No.” The line, they all looked tell us all things are getting like I said. That's their problem. “That's not doing me. I'm responsible for you, and I don't feel that it's the time for you to do it.” “But I'm not responsible?” “Well, when would you agree to it?” “When I think it's ready. That's when I'm going to agree to it, and not a minute before.”
So I said, “You know what? I'll make a deal with you. If you want to get married, then I'll let you have a license.” She says, “I'll get my—I'm not ready to get married.” I say, “I know you're not ready to get a license. That's the understanding.” I'm not responsible because some other parent is irresponsible enough to give them the license. That doesn't mean I have to do it.
The word “no” is becoming a forgotten word. There is nothing wrong with the child. No. You have to be responsible people. I met a parent who told me, “I just want you to know that for my son's 16th birthday, I bought him a brand-new car.” How much did it cost? $45,000. And number two is, I can't imagine what you're going to buy him when he's 35, if that's what you bought him when he was 16. We're responsible, and with responsibility, we carry it.
I'll tell you a line from Mark Twain. Mark Twain: “I was 15. My father was... The fool can't imagine how smart he became by the time he became and become any smarter.” The child all of a sudden saw the world in reality. We're responsible for our children long term. Education is a long-term process.
Shlomo HaMelech tells us, “You have to educate your child according to his way.” Gam ki yazkin lo yasur mimena (Even when he grows old, he will not depart from it). Those ideas that you gave them are what's going to stay with them. Think about yourself. You have values, good and bad, according to what your mother and father taught you, and that's your value, and it didn't change. If it's right, it's right. If it's wrong, it's our responsibility as parents to give it over to them.
As I have to say, don't be their best friend. Be close to them, yes; be very warm. I kiss my daughters and my sons-in-law because that's the relationship I want with them. I see my daughters-in-law all the time. You're lucky; I can't. But that's a relationship. That doesn't mean I have to become their best friend and give in to everything they want. A person has to stand and appreciate who they are, because they set standards for their children.
Look at you, because you gave in. They didn't do it. “Softie.” They didn't give in. How many times have I met 18- or 20-year-old people who say, “My parents are nice people, but they didn't set the standards for me.” I said, “Would you do it to your children?” They said, “I wouldn't do it the way they did it because they were too afraid.” We have to set the standards. It's our responsibility. Being a parent is a tremendous responsibility.
I'm very often convinced that God does it the way He does because, if we knew about it beforehand, we may not have gotten into it because of the responsibility. But we're responsible. These are our children, and we have a responsibility to carry them. We have a responsibility to set things right. In setting things right, we have to be able to understand what is right.
Now, children love to push our buttons, and they know how to push our buttons better than anybody else in the world. They know exactly what gets us to react. And in case they don't, they're going to play with us until they get it. But they get it. For example, we all go through this—don't worry, it happens in every house. It's only that we change the faces; it's the same lines. They'll come and tell us, “You hate me,” or something like, “You hate me because you don't do what I want. You aren't giving me what I need.”
Whenever a teenager says that, I always tell parents, “Just smile and say, ‘Nice try, but I love you anyhow.’” They're trying to push it. They want to see how far they can push you, and they can't push you because you are the parent, not they're the parent and you're the child. You're the parent, and you're the one who's going to set the standard for their life. Therefore, if you feel that that friend is wrong and it's not the right thing, say no. That's the thing you have to say. But I'm not here to win any popularity. I'm here to be the—
Being the parent, I have to set those standards, and therefore it's very, very important. And yet, you must spend time with them. They need a relationship, and they're dying for you to... That's what a teenager does. A teenager is in the midst of the battle. They don't know where they are or where to find themselves. But they want to hear from you, and they may even tell you, “We don't want it. You just talk.” You'd be surprised.
Years later, you say to yourself deep inside, without saying it out loud, “They weren't even listening.” But they're going to come back and tell you, “You said, ‘Mom, why should I do it this way? You told me I should do it, and I do it.’” And deep down, you say, “I never saw you do it.” You'd be surprised.
How many times has it happened that, at home, you're convinced your child is XY, whatever that means? Then they go to someone else's home for Shabbat, and they call you up and say, “Your son is the most well-behaved boy we ever had. He helped us clean up. He took care of the children on Shabbat afternoon. It was one of the nicest things we ever saw.” And you look at the receiver and say, “They told him about my son. Who in the world did he talk to? Who did this?”
I always threaten boys when they come to my house and help my wife. I say, “Be careful, I'm going to tell Mom.” “Okay, Rabbi, please.” Because that's it. But what you do with the child, never stop. Whether they listen or they're not listening, you just put right and wrong, good and bad, into them. You just keep doing it.
Really, education is planting. We're convinced that with education, we have to see the reaction right away. It's not true. It might take five years. It could take 10 years, 15 years, or more. All of a sudden, you're going to see the payoff, the fruits come out. You're going to say there are boys you have to believe in, and it could take years until you see it, but that's what happens. We are the parents who plant. We're not building. It's not building a building. What you're going to see right away—the result—is going to take time. We're not built; we're planted.
I speak to my children and to the talmidim (students) in the yeshiva with ideas they would never think about now. I have boys who come back to me five or six years later and say, “Rabbi, now I know what you meant.” Why? When they became 20 or 25, or some of them when they got married, they turn around and say, “That's what you meant.” That's right. Because I'm not talking only about now. I want to talk to them about what's going to be in five years, eight years, ten years from now. That's the goal.
The goal is to ease, come up. I just have to stand there and wait and wait, nurture them, love, nurture them, water. They will.
A father told me about his son, a wonderful boy. I said to the boy's father, “I know you have a ping pong table in the basement. I'd like you to take your son downstairs tonight and have a game of ping pong with him.” “Rabbi, I'm working.” I said, “No. I want you to take off work. I'm going to ping pong with him.” Then, when you finish the game, I want you to kiss him. He said, “Rabbi, now you're getting carried away. Now there are limits.” I said, “Oh, I'm not finished yet.” He said, “What do you mean?” I said, “Tomorrow night, I want you—this boy was really into sports—I said, tomorrow night, I want you to buy box seats to a ball game. I want you to take them to a restaurant. I want you to go with them to the ball game, and I want you to sit there with them.” He said, “Rabbi, what are you doing to me? I don't have time for this.” I said, “I have to explain something to you. Your business is upstairs in God's hands. It has nothing to do with you whether you're going to make the money or not. It's up to God. Your child is yours. Your child is what you're going to do with your child, and he needs your love. He needs your involvement. Give it to him. Whether I agree he should go to a ball game or not, that's a separate discussion, but he needs it. That's our responsibility.”
Therefore, as parents, we have to build our children, and we have to be careful about how we speak to them. And then what we say to the children make or break the child. Therefore, when we speak to our children, we have to watch the words we say. Again, they can frustrate us beyond belief. How many times has it happened that you worked two hours to make a delicious supper, and the child walked in and said to you, “It would be nice. Ugh, I ain't touching this stuff.” And you're ready to kill the guy. “I worked two hours, and that's all you have to say about it?” He didn't even try it. He didn't even look at it.
You have to teach the child that's not the way to talk. Whether he's going to eat it or not, “Nice try, not going to get me. But I just want you to know that's not the way to talk. You don't say that to anybody. You don't want it, you can say, ‘No, thank you.’ But that's not a way to talk.” You can't let them get you. That's the key to the whole deal. We have to stay calm, keep throwing information into them, love them, and take care of them. There's nothing wrong with punishing a child. Nothing. He's not going to leave your house, and he's not going to leave the religion. He is not going anywhere, even at 21. You know how to do it at 21, but we were talking about teenagers right now. At 21, you can do it also. You know how to do it. A person has to realize that we set the standards.
Therefore, there is no greater joy in the world than our children. There's no greater pain in the world than our children. There's a very basic rule of life: “No pain, no gain.” Things that come easily don't work that way. Therefore, the greatness of our children lies in our hands. If we build them, convince them, understand them, and are realistic about it, and if we set realistic standards for them, they can accomplish greatness. But if we make great ideas, then it's very difficult.
One of the great people of the past generation set an unbelievable line. The line is this: You have to realize that a child is not the same book, second edition. The child is a different book. Very often, you see parents putting their children through things that they themselves didn't go through, because they're reliving their childhood, reliving their teenagehood through their children. It's not you. That's living your life through your child. They're not the same as you. They have a different personality. They have a different understanding of what's right and wrong. They have a different whole setup. You have to deal with their personality, and you have to know that every child who comes into your house is a different child.
So the child's going to say, “You're not because you did x to this one and to me you didn't do it.” He said, “Yeah, that's true, but that's not fair.” Number one is fair. I promise to do the best job I can do. Number two, how about the time when I did this and this for you and didn't do it for them? You forgot about that one. Number three, in the long run, you can appreciate what we do, but we have to understand that we have to do what's right.
When cannot be scared to do what's right for the children. We live in a time when people are scared. Don't be scared. I can't find enough words to beg you not to be scared. Do what's right. Make the right move. Understand that, and if you have a question, ask an educator. Don't do it up; discuss what to do, but don't be afraid. Stand tight.
You are educating your children. Educating means you're teaching them, not that they're teaching you. If you feel that having a cell phone is wrong, for them to go to Florida in midwinter is wrong, but it's your child. If you want, I'll be happy to take this in a few minutes. I'll take questions. I'm limited on time. Please, it's your child. But first, people, don't be afraid. That doesn't mean you should expect a child to sit at home in midwinter and just sit at home. It's not going to happen. It may take you and your time to do something with them. But if you feel that things are wrong, don't do them. You have to worry about your child. Therefore, you have to stand tight. A person has the greatest opportunity to bring up children, but we have to do it with strength and clarity. We have to know what we're doing, and we have to be strong, because in the long run, they're going to be ours, and they're going to look at us because we laid down the seeds that we hadn't laid down.
Now, you wanted to ask a question. I'm sorry. I'm going to give a few minutes for questions, because I have to leave them on their own.
A questioner said, “So, he's going to be shifting next month, but he bought himself the BlackBerry.” I said, “Sorry to hear that.” The questioner continued, “Phone. I'm getting a different phone because my phone broke, and he brought it home. And that's what he brought home, you know.”
“Who's paying for it?” “So, yeah, okay. Who's paying for it? All right, so he's paying for it once a month. I didn't want the BlackBerry because there are things in there that, you know, we have Toronto guys on everything, and now he's got the BlackBerry. I just felt very bad when he did that, you know.”
“100%. Who's buying his clothing?” “We do.” “Who's giving him the food?” “We do.” “So you set the level of understanding in the house?”
“But they react, you know, they kind of react in a way where you don't want to—you don't want that. You know, because I got a little one who's very anxious.”
“You're afraid. Because you're afraid. But she's learned now that she can do what she wants to do. All she's got to do is push you strongly enough, and she's going to win. So she learned from him already. If you don't want a BlackBerry in the house, you say, ‘In my house, there are no BlackBerrys.’ And therefore, you want to do it after you finish the house, that's fine. You want to buy it? No problem. Next time he comes to you and says, ‘Well, I need money for clothing,’ say, ‘Sorry, I don't have any for you.’ Why? Because you're not living by the standards of our house. You have to be strong. Don't be afraid. They're not going anywhere. If you love them and they feel the love that's coming through, they're not going anywhere. They know we love them.”
“But you know, let's say him, you know, like, you gotta get off the computer by 10:30.” “No, I'm not.” “You gotta at least go to bed by 11.” “No, I won't.” “So what did you do?” “Oh, so we put it on a timer.”
“Okay, but what happened really? You weren't ready to stand. I'm telling you, teenagers.” “You got it.” “Oh, I'm just asking.” “What I'm telling you, I'm going through all the scenarios, because I'm saying we have very limited time. I really have to be back in the next round, so I'm really sorry. But I'm just saying a basic point, and it needs to be really worked through. The point that needs to be understood is: stand. It's your house. It's your child. You have to be strong enough. How to work it out, I don't know your child. I don't know your home. I don't know you. But you have to be able to work your personality with your home and your child in a manner that it's your home.”
“I'm not going to be a prisoner in my house.” That's what happens. A person has to stand straight. I can't say to you I won't. I won't tell you that my wife and I don't differ on certain points about how to deal with our children, but we'll work it through. The basic point is that a child has to be able to understand right and wrong.
My daughter wanted to go to California, so I laid down where she could go, when she could go, and that she could pay. So she said, “I don't have money.” I said, “That's no problem. You can get certain jobs. I'll lend you the money, and over time you'll pay me back. It's a privilege to go. A privilege to go on vacation.” “You would like to come to me that the two of us should split it?” I'll be happy to talk about it. You a vacation? It's a privilege. You wanted to get it? I'm happy to deal with you. You want to go? I'll let you go to these and these houses. You can do this and this. That's what your vacation can be. Please.”
So she went to California. She stayed at two different kollel (Torah study fellowship) houses. She did XYZ. Now she comes home. She knows she owes a certain amount of money. We don't owe them anything, and that's the problem. Yes, we did by giving you. I'm asking you: when you grew up, did your mother give you everything you wanted? “No, no.” I want to show you what happened when I was growing up. I'm going to give you an idea. Maybe it happened to you, too. My parents were from the old school. My brother and I, we're both not small boys. My mother never had a question about what to do with doubles, you know, leftovers. But when we were eating, we had to leave the fork and knife. When we were finished, we had to leave them like this on the plate. If you wanted doubles, you left it like this on the plate. And if you asked for the double, you didn't get it. That's education, that's education, that's education, that's stamina, that's education, that's education.
I'm really sorry, I have to go. Anyhow, we should all be zocheh (merit); we should all be zocheh to see a lot of nachat (pleasure) from our children.