We read in Parashat Vayeseh that when Yaakob arrived in Haran, at the home of his uncle, Laban, he reached an agreement with Laban. According to the agreement, Yaakob would work for seven years as a shepherd, tending to Laban’s herds, in reward for which he would marry Laban’s younger daughter, Rachel, whom Yaakob loved. As we know, Laban ended up tricking Yaakob, and bringing him his older daughter, Leah, instead. Yaakov would eventually marry Rachel, as well, one week later, in exchange for another seven years of work.
The Torah relates that after Yaakob and Laban made their initial agreement, Yaakob shepherded Laban’s flocks for seven years, “and they were like just a few days, because of his love for her” (29:20). The lengthy seven-year period passed very quickly, the Torah tells us, because Yaakob loved Rachel so deeply.
Many have noted that seemingly, Yaakob’s love for Rachel should have made the time pass more slowly, not more quickly. When somebody anticipates an event, the days do not pass fast enough. Why, then, does the Torah say that the time passed quickly because of Yaakob’s love for Rachel?
The answer to this question lies in a common misconception about what “love” really is.
I once heard this idea explained by way of an analogy of a person who enjoys eating fish, and is asked by somebody who observes him eating a scrumptious fish dinner, “Why are you eating fish?”
“What do you mean?” the fellow replies. “I love fish!”
“You love fish?” his friend asks. “Why would you want this fish to be pulled out of the water and killed, and then baked in an oven, if you love it? You don’t love fish – you love yourself, and so you eat fish because it brings you pleasure.”
Rav Eliyahu Dessler (1892-1953), in a famous passage in his Michtab Me’Eliyahu (vol. 1, p. 38), explains that true love is a desire to give to the other person. Many marriages fail or come under strain, Rav Dessler writes, because the spouses focus more on having their wishes fulfilled by one another, rather than fulfilling each other’s wishes. If a relationship is built upon the selfish desire to fulfill one’s own wishes, then, invariably, there will be disappointment and resentment. But if a relationship is built upon true love, which means that each spouse cares for the other and gives to the other, then the relationship will blossom. Often, Rav Dessler observes, a marriage begins with the husband and wife trying to impress and please each other for their own interests, in order to receive the gratification that they seek. Since their goal is their own satisfaction, this will not last. In order for the marriage to succeed, both parties must be committed to giving to each other unconditionally.
On this basis, some commentators suggested an explanation for why the seven years Yaakob spent working for Laban passed by so quickly. Yaakob’s love for Rachel was real. He did not “love” her only because she would please him and satisfy him. He loved her in the sense that he was genuinely concerned about and committed to her. And when Yaakob first arrived in Haran, he met Rachel at the well, because she was tending to her father’s flocks (29:6), as there was, apparently, nobody else to do the job. Yaakob’s work for Laban relieved Rachel of the responsibility to shepherd the sheep. And this is why Yaakob enjoyed the seven years of work – because he welcomed the opportunity to help Rachel, to free her from the obligations of shepherding.
This is what true love is – the desire to give to the other, to sacrifice for the other, rather than trying to get the other to give to us and to sacrifice for us.
There is a longstanding custom that the groom breaks a glass under the Hupa, at the end of the marriage ceremony. One explanation of this practice might be that the word “Kos” (“cup”) in Gematria equals 86, which is the same Gematria as the word “Ha’teba” – “nature.” As the groom is about to leave the Hupa and begin married life, he is told that he must break his nature. We are all naturally inclined to take, to try to derive benefit from other people. In order for a marriage to succeed, the couple must break this nature, and set out to give, instead of take. Married life requires both parties to constantly give to, and sacrifice for, one another. This is what engenders true love, and what will create a happy and mutually fulfilling relationship.