I believe that most shadchanim (matchmakers) are very well-meaning people. Some people will tell you they do it just for the money, or they do it for... I don't believe that that is really the case. I believe that for the most part, they're well-meaning, sincere people. The problem is that, in the process of their sincerity, sometimes they don't realize another Pasuk (verse) in the same chapter in Mishlei. The Pasuk, a famous one, is Mavet vechayim beyad lashon. Life and death is in the tongue. So now you have a girl. She's a little older than she expected to be. So now you paint in your head this opinion: she's too picky, she thinks she's better than she is, and she has no right to ask what she's asking for. And now somewhere in the conversation, you imply that to her. By the way, you're not as good as you think. Like, how do you think you're getting good boys at your stage? And they don't realize they're saying literally cutting words. They're literally killing people.
You don't have a job to force a girl to date. There's no mitzvah (commandment) to force a girl to date. There's a mitzvah to help a girl to date. And if she doesn't want your help, get out of the way. And if she doesn't want to be forced, for sure get out of the way. But you don't have some obligation to put her down, to knock her, to embarrass her, until she agrees to go on another date. That you don't have a right to do. Do you have a responsibility to come up with ideas? Yes, you do. But be so careful how you frame it. Be so careful how you present it. Be so careful the words you use to bring it up. Because it is so delicate, the difference between bringing up a suggestion that the girl should be open-minded to, and bringing up an idea that is literally going to destroy the girl's confidence. And you might say, “I gotta get her married.” No, you don't gotta get her married. Hashem has to get her married. You have no responsibility to get her married. You're here to help. And if you can't help, the only way you can help is by hurting her, then that's not the way to help. Maybe her mother could do that, maybe. But you, you're a nice person who's trying to help. Come off as helping. Prepare your words, and be careful with your words a thousand times.
Can I share with you one story? I'll share with you one story that a girl shares. She says she came from out of town: “I flew in from out of town to meet with some Shadchanim. I arranged to meet with a Shadchan at her house at a certain time. I was running a few minutes late and texted her to let her know. She called me and said she won't be able to give me a lot of time because someone else is lined up to come meet her after. I told her that's okay, even if we only meet for five minutes. When I knocked on her door, she came to it, opened it, and told me, ‘I'm really sorry, but I just don't think it's going to work. We made up a time. You came late. We were waiting for you. We can't only have five minutes to meet you. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can meet you. That's not how we do things. Who do you think you are?’” Maybe because I'm a late guy, so I feel bad for this person. “I was literally made to feel like a piece of trash. Here I am standing on your front porch. I came from out of town, and I understand I came a few minutes late, but you're talking to me as if I'm a first grader who was sent to the principal's office for making trouble. I was so proud of how I responded,” she says. “I just said, ‘Okay, no problem. Then it obviously wasn't meant to be. If Hashem wanted us to meet, He would have made it work. Thanks anyhow, and good night.’ I was so glad I didn't actually meet with her if that's how I was treated on her doorstep. I felt like I wasn't a good business deal for her, and she didn't have enough time to figure out her merchandise.”
It is a delicate position. If you do heart surgery, you need to know the difference between arteries and capillaries and veins and what goes which way, and that if you put an instrument too far, you could kill a person. Well, if you do Shadchan, you do heart surgery. And if you do heart surgery, you need to know how to use your instruments and make sure that you don't hit an artery, you don't hit a vein, you don't hit a capillary, you don't kill people. Because yes, I know you're doing it with the right intention, but sometimes with the right intention, your words can be deadly.