Let me give you what I think is one of the most powerful thoughts on marriage I’ve ever heard. At the end of the parasha, once Eliezer comes back with Rivka, Rivka is coming on a camel. Yitzchak is out talking in the field. We’ll see what talking means in a minute. Rivka sees him, and she falls off the camel. Now, what kind of response is that? Have you ever gone on a camel in Israel? Imagine falling off a camel. Ouch! It’s a little girl falling off a camel. What happens? And then she says to Eliezer, “Who’s this man?” And Eliezer says, “This is Yitzchak, the man you’re going to marry.” Here’s my second question: Who’s this man? First of all, how did she not know? He wasn’t telling her, by the way, “Yitzchak’s coming.” And secondly, even if she didn’t know, the Torah needs to tell me. She said, “Who’s this man?” And we found out that every time Avraham Avinu walked into a room and said, “Brother, who’s that person?” the Torah shares it with us. Why does the Torah have to share it with us? She didn’t know who he was. She knew who he was. What is it, like a cute? What’s the point? And then finally, the Pasuk (verse) says, “She put on a veil and she covered her face.” That’s where we get the idea of having a veil, in a way. Why is she the first one to put on a veil and cover her face? Let me tell you a beautiful idea.
One of the biggest challenges that creates this kind of lack of derech eretz, or lack of acceptance in a marriage, is that every single person in the world who plans on getting married has a dream or an expectation of what their marriage is going to look like. When they are single—15 years old, 16 years old, 18 years old, whatever the age—every single person has that dream. Everybody does. And most of it is thinking about the most beautiful moments. People think, “Oh, we’re going to sit on a couch together and share popcorn while watching something, whichever level you are. Maybe you’re watching a shiur (Torah lecture), maybe you’re watching music, whatever, or something else. You’re going to share popcorn. It’s going to be the most wonderful thing in the world.” Maybe you envision yourself on a vacation somewhere, walking alone on a beach, obviously fully dressed in white, with it waving in the wind, and you’re walking together, the sun is setting, and life is perfect. Everyone has a dream like that. And then you get married, and there has never been a marriage in the history of the world that has met the expectations of the people in the marriage before they got married. Never. Sometimes it’s better, but it never meets the expectations. And all of a sudden people don’t know what to do. “Hey, one second. I didn’t expect this twist. I didn’t expect this mother-in-law. I didn’t expect this level of religion. I didn’t expect this kind of poverty. I didn’t expect this kind of wealth. I didn’t expect them to be distracted.” Everyone does not get what they expected. Every single person.
And let me share with you about Rivka. See, Rivka: a man was running back and forth. She’s getting water for Eliezer. She’s getting water for the camels. Incredible. And then Eliezer said, “I have a proposal for you. I have a man for you to marry.” She says, “Who?” He says, “The son of Avraham Avinu.” She says, “Once again, I’m going to marry the son of Avraham Avinu.” This is going to be a perfect match. Because here I am, Rivka, the princess of Chesed (kindness). And Avraham Avinu is the king of Chesed. We know about his tent. We know about the doors. Avraham is the king of Chesed. So I’m the princess of Chesed. I’m going to marry the son of the king of Chesed. This is going to be Chesed meets Chesed. It’s going to be a perfect match. And so she’s unbelievably excited. Then she comes towards Yitzchak. He wasn’t talking in the field. The Gemara says he was inventing Tefillat Mincha. He was praying. And she suddenly realizes, “Hey, one second. He’s not Chesed.” Yitzchak’s characteristic was not Chesed. It was not kindness. Yitzchak Avinu’s characteristic was discipline. It’s the opposite. It’s the opposite of Chesed. She says, “One second. I’m marrying someone the opposite of what I expected. I told you, Avraham Avinu’s son, Chesed, Chesed, gorgeous. His Gevurah (discipline).” She falls off the camel. What does it mean that she falls off the camel? Where’s Gamal? Gamal stands for... She says, “I’m off of Chesed. I get it. It’s not what I thought it is. It’s not. What I expected, it’s not going to be.” And therefore she asks Eliezer, “Who’s that person?” She doesn’t mean to say, “Who’s he physically?” She means to say, “That’s not what I thought. I thought I’m getting a Chesed person. I thought I’m getting the son of Chesed. I thought I’m getting the prince of Chesed. Who is he?” And Eliezer says, “This is your master. This is the man of Gevurah.” And you know what she does? She puts a veil over her eyes. Our eyes, our vision, our hopes, our expectations. And she says, “I have to change my expectations. And that’s how I’m going to make this marriage great.”
Every single person who gets married has to be ready to change their expectations. Because if you stick with your expectations, you’re going to be frustrated. Because they’re not going to meet them. And you’re not going to be able to accept them. Accepting the person means that even though they’re not what you expected on day one, or day 100, or day 1,000, or day 10,000, you accept them anyhow. That’s what it looks like.