I would say many, many, many, many people who are starting to date have a delusional perspective of themselves and of the market. They have a delusional perception of what they think they deserve and of what the reality actually is. In fact, if you ask me, here’s the perspective someone should have. I’m going to tell you a story from the Gemara Gittin (Divorces). You’ve heard the story before, but I think it serves. It’s a true story, but it serves as a good analogy.
The Gemara Gittin says that during the destruction of the Beit HaMikdash (Holy Temple), there was a very wealthy woman. Her name was Marta bat Baitos. She told her messenger, “Do me a favor. Please go get fine flour from the market.” So he went to the market and looked around. There was no fine flour; there was only white bread. He came back and told her, “There’s no fine flour in the market, but there is white bread.” She said, “So, you know what? Then go get me white bread.”
He went all the way to the market. By the time he got there, there was no white bread anymore; there was only bad bread. He came back to her and said, “There’s no longer white bread, but there is bad bread.” She said, “You know what? Go get me bad bread.” So he went to the market. He went all the way back. He went to the market, and there was no bad bread anymore. The flour was gone, the white bread was gone, and the bad bread was gone. There was only barley flour. He came back and told her, “There’s only barley flour. Do you want barley flour?” She said, “You know what? Let me go myself.” She got up and went herself, stepped on something disgusting, and actually passed away. This is the Gemara Gittin, Nun Vav Amud Alef (56a).
But what is the significance of this story? Don’t you wish she had just told him, “Get whatever they have. Get whatever they have. If they have flour, get flour. If they don’t have flour, get white bread. If they don’t have white bread, get bad bread. If they don’t have bad bread, get barley flour. Just get the best thing they have”? But the reality is, she couldn’t tolerate it. In the beginning, the only thing she could think of was flour. Then, once there was no flour, she said, “Okay, I’ll settle for white bread.” Once there was no white bread, she said, “Okay, I’ll settle for brown bread.”
What happens to a lot of people while they’re in the dating story is that they’re always ready to settle a year too late. When they’re 23, they’re ready to settle on somebody. But no, no, you shouldn’t. Now you have to settle even more. But now you’re 26, and they’re ready to settle on what was offered at 23.
And there, I’ll give you a real example. Someone I know had a daughter who was 19 years old and dating. There was a wonderful boy, but he came from out of the country, and there were some scenarios. His parents were wonderful people, but maybe they weren’t able to come to the wedding or whatever. The father said, “I’m going to let my daughter date this boy.” I said, “Why?” He said, “Because if my daughter was 22, I would do it. So why do I have to wait for her to be 22 to do it? I’ll do it when she’s 19.”
A lot of people need to learn that lesson. A lot of people need to be a little realistic quicker. You know what? This is a wonderful idea. Maybe I didn’t exactly want this town. I didn’t exactly want this family. But it’s a wonderful idea. Don’t be like Marta bat Baitos, where you keep accepting something a year too late. Right away, be a little more open. And that’s all the Shadchanim (matchmakers) are trying to convince people to do: be a little more open. You don’t realize that you have limitations. The world has limitations. There are some things that you are missing, things that they’re missing, and because of that, be open to it.
I think this is an important life lesson in how we are with almost everything we do. This is not just a lesson for matchmaking; it’s about everything we do. Sometimes, when there’s a job, you’re not taking a perfect job. Get a job that’s in front of you and make it work. Sometimes, when it’s buying a house, you’re not getting an exact, perfect house. If you wait for a house that’s worth it, you’ll never find the house on the market again. If you wait for a house that’s worth the price, you will not find a house on the market again.