There are a lot of times when things feel insulting, but they are not insulting. So when you sit down this conversation, you need to know that just because, let's say, you can have a conversation with me, just because I don't want my son to date your daughter, that does not mean that's not insult. It just means I don't think my son is for your daughter. Just because I don't want to come over to our parents' house when you're there because you have too many kids there and it makes chaos, that is not insulting to you and your kids. It just means I'm not good with chaos. It doesn't mean your kids are bad, that you're a bad person, that you're a bad mother, or that you're a bad father. It just means I'm not good with the chaos. It might feel insulting, but it's not actually insulting.
For example, if someone doesn't want to work together with you, that's not insulting. They may not want to work together with you because they're not good with you. They like to be the boss, or they may want to work together with you because they have a different personality, or they may not want to work together with you because they have a different style. It's not insulting if they don't want to marry your kid. It's not insulting if they don't want to come over the same Shabbat, and it's not a song. They don't want to work together because all it means is that they have a different way.
So when you have this conversation, don't expect the other side to agree with you. If you expect them to agree with you, it's going to go badly. Instead, expect them just to understand you, and you have to be ready to understand them. The way you can understand them is to realize that just because they do something funny, it doesn't mean it's insulting. If there are two sisters-in-law who don't like to come to their parents' house on the same Shabbat, all of a sudden one sister-in-law finds out, and she goes back to her team and says, “You believe it? She won't come to the house on the same Shabbat as me. Do you believe who she thinks she is? When did she get into this family? Who even allowed her in? Like, what are we doing here?” The answer is that it's not insulting. Her kids and your kids make a balagan (chaos), and her kids and your kids create chaos. So she's not good with the chaos. It's not insulting to you. It might even be insulting to her. It's not herself. It's not insulting to you.
So, in essence, here's what we're saying. The way most of these arguments happen is that a little crack starts to happen, and it widens and it widens because of the silence. Because each person goes back to their team and gets entrenched in their position. The only way to break this, and you have an obligation to do so, is to cross the bridge and have a conversation. But before you have that conversation, you need to know two things. Don't get thrown off by their bravado. Don't get thrown off by the ego. Don't get thrown off by their public confidence. That's what people need to do sometimes just to feel good about themselves. Everybody does it. And don't get insulted by something that's not actually insulting.