I believe that marriage should be exciting, fun, energetic, and positive. You should look forward to each other, to spending time and talking with each other, and be excited about one another. I ask audiences in many places, “What percentage of people have that kind of marriage?” Across many audiences, someone will answer, “2%, 5%.” I think the consensus I’ve gotten is about 20 to 30%. But here’s what I don’t understand. If 20% or 30% of people really got along with their mothers and 70% did not, I don’t understand. You didn’t choose your mother; you got stuck with her, so 70% don’t get along with their mother. If 70% of people don’t get along with their sisters, I understand that too. You definitely didn’t choose that person to be your sister. Even your children: if 70% of people don’t get along with their children, I understand, because they didn’t choose their children.
But your spouse, you chose. You went through the whole process. Someone gave an idea, and you said no to that one, no to that one, no to that one. He said, “This one I want to date.” And you dated: date number one, date number two, date number three. I remember when you came home after the sixth date, you were already flying in the clouds. You were so excited; your life was so—it was like literally you thought you were in heaven. You got engaged, and you lost all your friends’ phone numbers because you were so happy with how much you loved this person. Throughout the engagement, you went from store to store; you didn’t even know you were spending money. You just went from store to store in such bliss because of this person you were going to marry. We went to your wedding, we danced, we marched down the aisle, and we spoke about what a great couple you are. We danced at your wedding; we danced the night away. You tell me: when I go to most weddings, is there an 80% chance they’re going to hate each other three years later? Again, I didn’t make it up; I don’t know for sure. It’s just anecdotal evidence. But yesterday I even made a speech to a bunch of college teachers in the community, and they also agreed with sort of my 30% number.
But that’s insane. It’s very simple. We all get along with each other when everyone is on their best behavior. So if you pay for my $130 steak, I’ll be nice to you too. But then all of a sudden, life starts to happen, and we’re living in the same house. Instead of being served a $130 steak, I’m eating cold spaghetti for dinner. And it’s real. In real life, people mess up, sometimes accidentally, sometimes even on purpose. And most people are used to the mentality of tit for tat. You didn’t say the right thing to me, so I’m not going to say the right thing to you. You didn’t get me a cup of water, so I’m not going to get you a cup of water. You didn’t take out the garbage, so I’m not really excited to make you dinner. What ends up happening is that we think we’re married to what’s right. When things go wrong, we respond in kind, with frustration.
The Torah is telling us that the laws between man and man, which apply more than anything in the world to your spouse, are unnatural. Don’t get married unless you’re willing to be unnatural to your spouse. Don’t get married unless you’re willing to accept things that don’t make sense, that aren’t easy, that aren’t even fair sometimes. A lot goes wrong in a normal house. A lot goes wrong between a husband and wife. If you’re calculating and responding naturally, you will for sure be part of the 80%. The only way to be in the 20–30% who are incredibly happy is if you’re willing to be unnatural.
It’s the same with your children. Your children will never give you back what you gave them. It’s not possible. They will try if they’re wonderful kids, but 50% of kids don’t even try. With 50% of kids, a parent could be aging and in and out of the hospital. Two daughters show up, and there’s another daughter nowhere to be found. She tells you she’s busy. She tells you she’s working. She tells you, “You don’t understand my house. You don’t understand my husband.” And she’s never there. Or you could have three sons. One of them is there all the time; the other two call in once a week. They never could respond in kind. If you respond to them tit for tat, then you will not have a great relationship with your children, and your children won’t have a great relationship with their parents. The only way is, you have to be able to be unnatural.