The Gemara in Shabbat says that if someone has a choice and limited funds, or has only one candle and has a choice between using it for Ner Chanukah (candles of Chanukah) for the Menorah (lampstand) or using it for Ner Shabbat (Friday night candles), which one wins? The Gemara says that the Ner Beito (household candle), the Ner Shabbat, wins. Why? Because of Shalom Bayit (peace in the home). The candles of Shabbat are Shalom Bayit, and therefore they bring peace in the home and therefore they win.
Rabbi Yaakov Kamenetsky, in Emet LeYaakov on this week's Parashah, says, “I don't understand.” The Chanukah candles represent the fact that you can't even benefit from them because they're so holy. They represent the Torah, they represent Hashem's presence in our life, they represent the fact that Hashem, there runs the world, they represent these incredible things. The other candles, the Shabbat candles, are just so there's light and I can function. Those candles are better? Are the candles of Friday night more important than the candles of Chanukah, which represent this incredible miracle and the fact that Hashem is taking care of us in the darkness? Why would Ner Shabbat be more important than Ner Chanukah?
He has his own answer, but I'd like to provide a very simple, straightforward, I think obvious answer, and that is this: You're right, you're right. The candles of Chanukah represent Torah, Hashem's presence, his involvement in our life, him taking care of us in the darkness, everything we believe. The candles of Shabbat bring peace and happiness in the home. If you don't have peace and happiness in your home, if you don't have a healthy home, you'll never get to the Torah and the belief in Hashem. Children that grow up in a home that's happy, healthy, and strong have a great chance of one day growing in Torah and Mitzvot (commandments). Children that grow up in a home that's not happy, that's not healthy, that doesn't have the right dynamic, that doesn't have the right air about it, that doesn't have the right confidence within it—children that grow up in that kind of home never even get to Ner Chanukah.
So Ner Chanukah may be very important, but in the moment it represents Torah for today. But the candles of Shabbat represent Torah for these children forever. Because if I can make the home happy and I can make it healthy, these children will grow, they will be nurtured, they will blossom, they will become everything. And that's why being fair is very powerful in your home. The reason why you need to be fair is not because one kid is getting an extra dollar and one kid is getting less. One kid is getting a $20 gift, another one is getting a $28 gift. That's not the reason why you need to be fair. The reason why you need to be fair is every child needs to feel equally loved. And children sometimes feel that if one child gets more than the other, it means you love him more or you love her more. And therefore, if this environment is not fair, it's not even. I don't feel whole, I don't feel secure, I don't feel confident because I don't feel loved. And for the record, if one kid feels less loved than the other, then they don't feel loved at all. There's no such thing as less. It's all or nothing.