In the times of the Mishnah, when kiddushin and nisuin—the halachic engagement and then the eventual wedding—would happen at different times, the custom was that the hatan (groom) would send sivlonot, gifts, to his kallah (bride) the day after they were engaged. He would also sometimes visit her father’s house, feast with her, and have a good time. They would have a meal called the seudat chatan (that meal) the next day. They were still engaged, and they would have a beautiful meal together. What happens to those gifts if the couple does not follow through with the wedding?
Ha-sholeach sivlonot le-veit chamiv: If somebody sends engagement gifts to his bride, sends it to his father-in-law’s, future father-in-law’s house, halacha (Jewish law) is as follows. If he sent even 100 maneh of gifts—a very large amount of money—then he went to the house that day, the day he sent the gifts, and ate a beautiful meal that was worth at least the dinar (coin). The gifts aren’t taken back if the marriage is not complete. The groom is showing up to the house. He’s enjoying a big meal. He’s going to his father-in-law’s house, and we make the assumption that, since he got so much out of it, he has this excitement. He has this experience, this big joy, and he’s allowing her to keep the gifts no matter what. It’s an unconditional gift that he’s giving her. Therefore, even if they don’t go through with it—if, for some reason, the bride or the groom dies, or the groom decides he doesn’t want to go through with the marriage—then the wife here, technically the fiancée, since they were only engaged, is allowed to keep all of the gifts.
Lo achal sham seudat chatan, hare elu nigvin: but if he did not eat a feast over there, after he gave her the gifts, then the gifts could be taken back from her if the marriage does not take place, because we assume that he only gave the gifts if they would be married in the end. But if they didn’t follow through with the wedding, then she cannot keep the gifts. She would have to return them. This is all in a situation where her intentions weren’t clear. But if the groom made his intentions clear about these gifts, then halacha is as follows. Shalach: if he sent many gifts for the engagement but stated very plainly that the gifts were going to return to their home—he was sending her gifts so that they would have them together in their house when they were married, once nisuin happens—then these are collected from her if the marriage doesn’t go through. He sent the gifts to her so that they would both be able to use them in their joint home, where they would live together. So if they don’t get married, then he is able to take them back. If he sent her only a few small engagement gifts that were to be used in her father’s house while she was engaged, he had no intention of getting them back, and therefore she can keep them.