Good morning, gentlemen. We’re continuing our study of Mesillat Yesharim. We’re discussing the subject of pleasures. We’ve been learning that the pain and investment required to maximize our pleasure in the physical world are called boundaries. There are many examples of boundaries that make the physical world we live in enjoyable. There are higher pleasures, as we will learn. However, enjoying the physical world is also important. To maximize our enjoyment of the physical world, we must put in the pain. That means we must have boundaries in all areas of life, each one according to its principle and each item according to the amount.
As we’ve mentioned, once we understand how clear and important this principle is, a person wants to dive in. You want to say, “Okay, ready, give me the boundaries.” The problem is, until you figure out a boundary on your own, by the time you finish, you’re ready to check out of the world. And that’s if you learn from your experiences, understand things, and pay attention. There are so many areas in life, and until we experience them, we won’t know. Until I eat steak twice a day for three weeks, I won’t realize, “Oh, that was a mistake.” But that mistake could repeat itself a thousand times, and by the time you figure everything out, if you do, you’re already 119 years old, so you’re finished.
It’s silly to think that we’re going to create our own boundaries and be able to maximize our pleasure in this world from the time we’re 13—or 12 for a girl, when it’s already time to maximize our pleasure. The only way that can happen is if we’re given instructions by someone more experienced, someone who understands better, someone we can rely on who knows exactly who we are, what we’re capable of doing, and where we need to stay away from. There is no other way. If you sit down on your own and try to figure this out, it’s not going to work. You’ll figure out simple things. Yes, simple things will be easier to figure out. That doesn’t mean you’re going to figure them out; it just means they’re easier. But there’s a lot more that you’re not going to figure out. And even if you do, it’s too late.
That’s why every day we thank Hashem. He gave us a matanah (gift). The gift He gave us, which is the Torah, is not just the gift that gives us the ability to earn eternity. That’s a different subject. The gift also gives us the ability to enjoy and maximize our physical pleasures in life. That sounds not so religious in a place that talks about religion. You talk about elevated, spiritual pleasures, but that’s not true. The Torah expects and wants us to maximize our pleasure in the physical world. However, as we mentioned, that can happen only with boundaries in all areas. Therefore, the Creator gave us all the rules about the things we must stay away from in order to maximize our experience of physical pleasure in this world.
Of course, as we mentioned, boundaries don’t seem as if they’re there to maximize our pleasure. Boundaries, in fact, sound as if they’re going to take away our pleasure. That’s the difficult situation here: the pain you have to put in to maximize your pleasure would seem to you to minimize your pleasure. But the reality speaks for itself. Boundaries are going to maximize our pleasures. We already gave a few examples, such as marriage. Marriage is meant to be a physical and spiritual connection. It’s meant to give married people pleasure on many levels: social, physical, and emotional. But without boundaries, that pleasure won’t be maximized.
One example of these boundaries is the laws of Niddah (menstrual purity laws). A guy gets married, and they tell him the laws of Niddah. He says, “People are crazy. I got married. I finally found someone I can enjoy my life with, and now they give me all these rules. These people are interested in minimizing my pleasure. All I get is the religious item. That’s the religious thing. Religion doesn’t want you to enjoy life. That’s why they tell you, ‘You’re not allowed to do this; you’re not allowed to do that; not this day, not this time.’ I’m not that kind of guy. I want to enjoy the physical world. Don’t give me these rules that take away my pleasure.” That’s how normal people will look at it, not crazy people. “This must be the religious thing, those religious people who have dedicated themselves not to enjoying life. I’m not one of those people.”
That’s how an average person who doesn’t know much would look at those laws. But in reality, you don’t have to go far to understand. The laws of Niddah actually bring tremendous pleasure into a marriage. It’s specifically the boundaries that make a marriage much more enjoyable and exciting. In general, it’s only the no that makes the yes more enjoyable. When everything is yes, it doesn’t work anymore. It’s the boundary that says no, and then all of a sudden it’s a yes. The yes is more meaningful and more enjoyable—not only in marriage, but in anything. That’s why the Torah is very, very strict about relationships between men and women. I’m not saying this is the only reason, but one reason is to make marriage very enjoyable in every way, on every level: physical, emotional, spiritual, and social.
Marriage can bring a person tremendous physical pleasure and tremendous pleasure in general. But when married people spend too much time together and get too close, whether physically, lightly physically, or emotionally, they are destroying their ability to enjoy their marriage. People might say, “No, that’s not why.” It’s why a husband has his eyes in other places, when everything is open, when a woman has her eyes in other places, whether through talking or whatever it might be. It may even look innocent. “It’s just socializing. We’re just socializing. That’s what we do. Come on, do you think anything? Do you think it’s a big deal if we just socialize? You just go out with friends. You have to know that, according to the Torah, that’s crossing a boundary.” According to the Torah, a marriage is very special, and the relationship between a husband and wife is extremely exclusive.
So things that the outside world today would say—“Come on, it’s too much. What’s the issue if we go out and have fun? What’s the issue if we do this? What’s a light kiss on the cheek going to do? What’s the big deal? Come on, it’s not a big deal. Like, what are we doing already? I know I am. You think I’m so weak?”—first of all, yes, and second of all, it’s beyond that. It’s not only about what might happen. That’s not even the issue at this point. The issue is that you have a marriage, and you’re not maximizing what you can have in your marriage because you and your partner, your spouse, aren’t following the rules. You’re living outside the boundaries. You’re comparing, looking, tasting, and talking. When you cross the boundary of the no, the yes within the boundary becomes less valuable, less enjoyable, and more challenging.
According to the Torah, the partnership of marriage is extremely exclusive. It’s not just that we live in the same house; it’s not exclusive only on that level. It’s exclusive in the way we behave with anyone around us. The way a woman behaves with any other man has many principles. Number one: how she dresses. That’s the first boundary. A woman who isn’t dressed appropriately is living outside the boundaries of marriage. Simple. Anyone who looks at that woman and the way she’s dressed inappropriately is damaging something within her marriage. It doesn’t mean they’re going to get divorced, but it means the bar has been lowered in their ability to maximize the pleasure of the marriage. She’s crossed the boundary. It affects her, it affects her husband, and certainly it affects other people. I’m not talking about that right now.
According to the Torah, a woman belongs to her husband. Therefore, any kind of interaction by a woman that makes other men relevant in her life is crossing a boundary, which will make a very big hole in that marriage. You won’t see it the next minute. You won’t realize it’s coming from that. “Oh, that’s why you think? Oh, because my wife isn’t dressed properly? That’s why my marriage is in shambles?” Yes. But that’s not why it’s in shambles. “It’s because we argued yesterday about who’s going to fix the refrigerator, or whether we should buy a new one.” No, no, no. That’s not why. If you had a healthy, strong marriage, the refrigerator wouldn’t be an issue, and the trip you didn’t go on wouldn’t be an issue. “No, she got very upset because we didn’t go on vacation this year. That’s why I’m not married.” No, no, that’s not why. It’s because she crossed boundaries, and so did you.
Marriage is very exclusive. The Torah expects a marriage to be exclusive in the way we dress around others and in the way we talk. What kind of words are discussed? Preferably, when we talk to a woman, we call her Mrs. So-and-so. Not, “Hey, Jen.” She’s not Jen. Jen is her husband. You can call her Jen. You say, “Mrs. Cohen.” It’s a rule about how you talk. “What? Come on, don’t be so extreme. You’re so old, you’re so archaic. It’s not happening. Does it already make a difference to say Jen or Mrs. Cohen?” Yes. It makes a big difference. It’s a boundary in the way you talk. The way you talk says, “We have a boundary here. You’re a married woman. You’re a Mrs. So-and-so. You’re not Jen. Not to me. You’re Jen to him, but not to me.”
The way you talk, the way you relate, the way you spend your time, the way you laugh—there are all kinds of boundaries that come with a marriage. When a man says to his wife, “That’s a very big statement,” people travel from all over the world to see that moment right there. Everything else is extra. They have food where they are; they don’t have to come for food. They have flowers where they are; they don’t have to come for flowers. They have people there too. But the moment of... So I think that two people have pledged exclusivity to each other on such a level that is unheard of, unseen. That’s a big moment.
When a marriage is open, there’s no chance for it to maximize its pleasure. For a marriage to be awesome, it has to be closed. Closed—who decides the rules? The Creator does. There are rules. The rules seem as if they take away your pleasure, of course. But in reality, they maximize the real relationships. You’re spending your time, wasting your time with all kinds of talk, discussions, and involvement, and you’re ruining the most important part of your life. All that time you spend outside the boundary is ruining what’s inside. And you don’t even realize it. Of course, he’ll say, “No, it’s not because of that. It’s not. Rabbi, he lost his mind. He doesn’t know, he’s not a realist. He lives in a different world. That’s not why my wife and I don’t get along. That’s not why. There are other reasons. Let me give you the reasons.” The Torah says those aren’t the reasons. Can there be other reasons? Yes. But the norm is not the reason. It’s either the husband, the woman, or both together. That’s Gehinnom (hell). When one lives outside the boundary, it’s a light fire of Gehinnom. When both live outside the boundary, it’s a very heavy fire of Gehinnom.
The Torah is so strict about the rules of Yichud. Yichud means you’re not even allowed to be alone with somebody in a room, even if you’re not talking to them, even if you’re not looking at them. Yichud says that if you’re in a room with a woman you’re forbidden to be with, you’re already crossing the boundaries. “Why, the doctor?” It doesn’t matter. “I’m not even looking up.” It doesn’t matter. You can’t be in the same room—that’s crossing a boundary. Being alone somewhere is an exclusivity only for a married person. You cannot be alone. The laws of Yichud are very long and wide, with many different details about who you could be with, at what time, where, and how.
I remember one time a person called me. He was stuck in a situation where he had to be in the house alone with somebody else, whatever the reason was. He called me in the middle of the night. He said, “I realized—what do we do?” There are rules for how to do it. There are ways to make it work, and sometimes it doesn’t work. So I don’t want to say it’s a clear-cut halacha (Jewish law). There are many variations and many ways to do it in a kosher (fit according to Jewish law) way. But the rule of Yichud is a boundary.
Other boundaries that cause damage to a person, a marriage, and other things as well have to do with information. A person has to have boundaries around where they get their information. If you’re out there getting information from every person and their comments, every person and their likes or dislikes, if you’re just living in a digital world where everyone can talk, Moshe Rabbeinu and your friends’ opinions have the same credibility. You have a chat of a thousand people, and everyone can say whatever they like and they all have the same value. You hear what this one has to say: “Oh, look where I went.” Comments about what people do, comments about what people are going to do, whether they’re good comments or bad comments—that’s called living outside the boundaries.
You don’t need to know what the guy next door did. That’s not information that should be entering your mind. You don’t have to know what people across the street are doing. You don’t have to know that. When you cross that boundary, it affects your life, whether you’re single or married. When you know too much, it sets you back in your own happiness. Your life is here in your box. You should know, learn, understand, and ask about what’s relevant to your box. You’re going on vacation and want to know where to go? That’s relevant to you. Go ask somebody. But just knowing information that has no relevance to you about what people are doing, where they’re going, what they’re involved in, pictures, comments—the digital age means living everywhere except the place you’re in. When you have so much information, you become less informed about the important parts of your life.
It’s like all the fake friends people think they have. “Oh wow, I have 30, 50, 100, 1000, 10,000 people in my chat. Wow, I have a lot of—” A lot of friends, a lot of followers. You don’t have one friend. If you have a thousand followers, not one is a friend. If you have a million, not one is a friend. You can’t have a friend with a thousand followers. Or a million followers. You can’t. It’s not possible, because friendship is meant to be something exclusive between people. When you’re spending your time with a thousand people, there’s no room for friendship, for a real friendship. You cross the boundaries. It says in Pirkei Avot that you need one friend in life. You don’t need more. If you have two, you’re doing great. Three, maybe impossible. How could you build real friendships when you’re friends with a thousand people? So it’s not so much, “Oh, by the way, you have a thousand friends, and you happen not to have real friends.” No. Because you have a thousand friends, you cannot have a real friend.
You’re living in a world of loneliness today. Today people are lonelier than at any time in history, at least in recent history, as documented by doctors. “What, today people are lonely? What do you mean? Today people are connected anywhere, everywhere. They can go anywhere they want within a second, but today they’re lonely. When people couldn’t—when they didn’t have a phone, didn’t have the internet, didn’t have email, didn’t have social media, then they weren’t lonely. How does that make sense?” The answer is simple. To be with somebody, you have to invest in a relationship, like a marriage or a friendship. When you have so many options and so many places, you invest in nothing. In the end, you have empty relationships. All day long, you’re listening to what everybody else is doing. And you say, “What does it matter? Come on, what does it matter that I have all these things I’m involved in, following, listening to? I’m not doing anything wrong.” You are doing something wrong. You’re crossing a boundary. The rule of life is that what you don’t need to know about others should stay with others.
Mishnah says that makir et mekomo (one who knows his place) is one of the keys to success in life. Know your place. You know how many people suffer because they don’t know their place? What does it mean to know your place? Simply, it means: no, you’re not wealthy. You’re not wealthy. Know that. How many people don’t know that? Don’t want to know that? Don’t care to know that, and live in an imaginary world where they’re wealthy? Of course, it’s Gehinnom when you’re not wealthy and you’re trying to be one. Why can’t you recognize that you’re not wealthy? You know, you can be very happy when you’re not wealthy. You don’t have to be wealthy to be happy. There are many happy people who live a very simple life. I’m not saying we should wish for that, but we should definitely choose happiness over wealth. That’s for sure. Just because you’re not wealthy doesn’t mean you can’t be happy.
But you’ll never believe it as you’re listening to this right now. You’re like, “Come on. He doesn’t know anything. That’s a poor guy talking. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t understand.” The only reason we’ll never be happy when we’re not wealthy is that we’re living all day with the wealthy. You’re crossing boundaries. You want to know what he did, what she does, what they wear, what they bought, where they went. You can’t recognize your place. You can’t be happy where you are. You cross the boundaries. The guy tells you, “Listen, thank God you have your health. Thank God you have your children. You’re good, Baruch Hashem. You’re paying the bills, good, easy. What’s wrong?” You don’t get it. “It’s not that simple.” No, no, it is that simple. It’s very simple. You have your health. You’re able to eat and drink. It’s very simple. You should be ecstatic. You know why it’s not so simple? Because all day long, your eyes are all over the place. You’re watching, “Oh, that guy went on a private plane. Oh my gosh, a private plane. I can’t even afford a coach ticket. Oh, this guy went here. This guy went there.” You go to a wedding; everybody is on display.
Living within your capabilities is one of the big blessings in life: knowing who you are and who you’re not, knowing what’s within your means and what’s not. It’s not always about money; there are other things as well. There are many other areas, socially and otherwise, where a person must know their place. If you’re wealthy, too, you have to know your wealth. You have to know that, too. Don’t act as if you’re poor. Many wealthy people try to act as if they’re poor. “I don’t know. Things are not the way they used to be. I don’t know. Things are down.” Whether you’re a young lady or not, you need to know your place, know who you are, and know what’s within your means. You know how many people don’t get married because they’re looking for something beyond their place? You have to know who you are. Know who you are. Know where you come from. Know your boundaries. Don’t look over there. It’s not for you. “No, no, I need that.” You don’t need that. You sit there suffering in your life, waiting for someone who’s not your guy. That applies to both sides, boys and girls. And that might make them all unrealistic. How come? What’s so hard about seeing who you are? Everyone can see who you are. What’s the problem? The problem is that you live, you cross the boundaries. You know too much about people. You know too much information that you don’t need to know. The Torah tells us that what we need to know in life is what’s relevant to us.
That’s why, in our speech, don’t be a peddler of words. It doesn’t mean you’re saying bad things about people. For sure, that’s called Lashon Hara (bad things about people). That’s bad. But rachil (talebearing) means you’re just peddling: “Oh, you know what happened? You know where they went?” Why do I have to know where they went? Why do I have to know what they did? It’s already a problem. The Torah says you crossed the boundary. Why are you talking about that? It’s not relevant to you. The Torah says that what’s relevant to you, you should listen to, learn, and understand. If it’s not relevant to you, it’s outside the boundary. If you live outside the boundary, you’re just not going to be able to enjoy life the way it’s meant to be enjoyed.
Today’s smartphones are extremely dangerous, not just for the young but for everyone too. Every technology that comes out can obviously be very useful and helpful, but you have to know the boundaries. You give your child a smartphone. Don’t expect a happy, healthy human being. “But what do you mean? What’s the problem? He has to know what’s out there.” No, he doesn’t. That’s a terrible mistake. He doesn’t have to know what’s out there. He has to know what’s relevant to him. As the father or mother, you’re supposed to tell him what’s out there, what’s relevant to him, what he has to know. He goes to school; they’ll tell him what’s out there. His father and mother will tell him what’s out there. To give him a smartphone is to give him an item that puts him automatically outside the boundaries. Therefore, happiness becomes very difficult, and enjoying life becomes nearly impossible the way he’s supposed to. He’s all over the place. How can he build friendships when he’s all over the place? When he knows so much, how can he stay with what’s important? When you know too much, all of a sudden the important things he’s supposed to know don’t mean as much. When you don’t say no to nonsense, there isn’t even a yes to the good things.
You know how many people out there have so much nonsense in their minds that nothing is important anymore? It’s all nonsense. There’s no filter. Everything goes in; nothing matters. He said this and he said this; they’re the same. My father said this, and this rasha (wicked person) said this; they’re equal. In fact, I think that rasha is more reliable than my father.
Today, thank God, there are people who understand this reality and don’t hand their children a smartphone. They don’t need it. An 11-year-old, a 12-year-old, a 13-year-old, a 4th grader—they don’t need it. They don’t need it. Maybe as you get older, you need it for your business. You need it for living life. Okay, but a young person doesn’t need it. You can go until you’re 17, 18; you don’t need it. “But how are they going to know what’s out there?” They don’t need to know what’s out there. As you get older and you need it, okay. Even then, you have blocks, you have filters. I have filters on my phone. I don’t just have an open phone. “But I’m a rabbi, what does that mean?” Yeah, but I have boundaries. I have to live within boundaries. I can’t just go anywhere I want. You don’t have a filter on your phone, you don’t block things on your phone—you’re crossing boundaries. Yeah, too much. What’s the difference? Who cares? Okay, up to you.
Every person needs to have a filter on their phone. A filter means the following. A filter is a big statement. It means that I live with boundaries. Now I need a phone because it has a personal benefit to me, so I’m going to make sure this phone is filtered and gives me only the benefits I need. Anything else, outside of that, I don’t want to be involved in. It’s a very big statement to have a filter. It’s not, “Oh, it’s a religious item.” A filter means that I use technology for what it’s worth and what it’s valuable for to me. I don’t cross the boundary that might take me away from the things I value, want, and desire to enjoy.
These are some more examples. I could probably sit here for days and days and days and give example after example of how the boundaries that seem so scary and so off are specifically what give you the on and make everything much more enjoyable. Without a no in your life, there’s no meaningful yes. What makes yes meaningful is the no, the boundary. That’s the pain a person must put into their life. That’s the investment you have to put into your life to make sure you stay within the boundaries. Who gives the rules? The Creator does. He gives rules very clearly. Those listening who don’t know much will say, “It doesn’t make sense. These people—the Creator, I guess—doesn’t want us to enjoy life. That’s why He gave us these rules. He doesn’t want us to enjoy ourselves.” Then Ramchal comes and says the world was created so that you could enjoy it. You’re accusing the Creator of not wanting you to enjoy yourself. He made you just so you can enjoy yourself. So why did He give you all these rules, Paul? Because that’s exactly how you can enjoy yourself. He’s putting walls around you so you can enjoy what’s inside of you.
I’ll just finish with the third rule. I’ll say it quickly. I told you there are three rules you have to keep in mind for every kind of pleasure. Rule number one: beware of the counterfeit. Rule number two: no pain, no pleasure. No pain, no pleasure. Although it’s—okay, I think we’ve explained enough. It’s pretty real. But still, people don’t like pain. If they tell you, “Go to the doctor, it’ll be a little painful, but you’ll get better after,” you’re not rushing to the doctor. But they better tell you, “I know, but I don’t like pain. I can’t do it.” People don’t like pain. We don’t like pain.
That’s why you need the third rule. The third rule says that as long as you keep your eye on the pleasure, you won’t feel the pain. It’s an unbelievable rule. I once gave you a mashal (parable); I’ll give it to you again. A guy gets on the basketball court and plays full court, running back and forth, 100 feet back and forth, playing for 6, 7, 8 hours. He runs back and forth maybe 500, 1000 times. Every once in a while he gets a drink of water. He’s good to go, loving it. After an hour, you get on the court and play for an hour again. You say to the 10 guys on the court, “Listen, give me the ball.” “But what do you mean?” “Give me the ball. Go ahead now, run back and forth from one side to the other. Just keep going, just like you were doing before. Run back and forth, run back and forth.” It’s just the same, but without the ball. At what point do you think they’ll start huffing and puffing and say, “Oh, I can’t. It’s too much. I can’t do this”? Between five and ten times, I don’t think they’ll make it more than ten. They’ll literally say, “No, I’m exhausted. I can’t. I can’t do it.” “So push yourself.” “I can’t.” “You can’t? I don’t understand. You ran a thousand times yesterday, and you were fine. Today, you can’t do ten?” “No. Yesterday it was with the ball. Today it’s not the ball.” How does the ball make you a stronger person? How does a round ball make you more capable of running back and forth on the basketball court?
The answer is very simple. The ball is the pleasure of the game. That’s what everything revolves around. As long as there’s a ball and your eyes are on the ball, you don’t even feel that you’re running back and forth. You don’t feel it. There is pain in running back and forth. But if you keep your eye on the ball, you don’t feel the pain. Take the ball away, and all you focus on is the pain. At that point, you can’t move. It’s a reality of life. While pain is needed to get pleasure, the good news is that you don’t have to feel the pain if you just focus on the pleasure. If you focus on the pain, it’ll be unbearable. But if you focus on the pleasure that will come from it, you don’t even feel it. You don’t feel it at all. Sometimes you even enjoy the pain.
When a person makes a boundary in their life and focuses only on the boundary, on what they can’t do, it’s unbearable. It feels like someone is ripping their skin off. “You’re putting a boundary on me. I feel like I’m in jail. I can’t deal with it; I can’t handle it.” But if that person would focus on the benefits, on the obvious benefits and sometimes the less obvious ones, on the pleasure that will come from it, they wouldn’t even feel the pain. Yes, would you choose the pain yourself? Maybe not. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t feel painful because you’re focused on the pleasure. You’re focused on what’s coming as a result. “Oh, I can’t do this yet, because then you could do this. Oh, I can’t be here yet, because then you could be there. I can’t wear that yet, because then you’ll have that. Oh wow, yes.” Focusing on the pain is unbearable.
Rule number three says that you don’t have to feel pain even though you need pain. Focus on the pleasure, and you don’t feel the pain. All the boundaries we’re talking about may be difficult to keep, but at the end of the day, if we’re focused on the results and the pleasure that will come from the boundaries, we don’t even feel the pain. And even if we do, it will be very, very light. That’s the third rule: maximize your pleasure in the physical world by living within the boundaries that the Creator has set for every one of us. The no’s are what make the yes very beautiful, enjoyable, and long-lasting. Have a good day.