Good morning, Rabotai (my teachers). We’re continuing our study of Mesilat Yesharim. We are studying the subject of pleasures. We spoke about where a person should invest their efforts and what is worthy of their love in this world. As we already learned, a person can develop ahava (love) for anyone and anything. While the emotion is not in our hands, what a person can do to get to it is completely in our hands. That is why the Torah commands us that we can have ahava. Once a person knows that they can have ahava for anyone and anything, it becomes an important decision they must make: What is worthy of my ahava? When I say “worthy,” I mean, which ahava is going to make a difference in my life? Which ahava is going to pay big dividends? So the Creator of the world spoke very loudly, as we mentioned yesterday, that there are only two areas in life worth investing in and developing ahava for. Yesterday, we spoke about the love of the Creator, which includes the love of the Torah, which includes the love of His will. All of that is part of the love of Hashem. We already went through the tremendous value that brings to a person.
The second is the love that the Torah tells us is worthwhile. It includes a person’s spouse, parents, children, siblings, family, friends, and community. When the Torah says this, it is referring to anyone who is in our family. Am Yisrael is called a family, and anyone in that family is included. There are people who love others. It is not as common as one might think, but there are. Even so, the love is limited to one person here, another person there. People ask questions like, “Who is my best friend? Who is your best friend?” The truth is, having a best friend is against the values of the Torah. If having a best friend means that I love this person more than somebody else because I think he is more worthy than me, and more worthy of my ahava, then it is a mistake. The Torah says that every person should be someone you invest in.
Now, for sure, if somebody is closer to you—that is, the closer the person is to you family-wise—the more opportunity you have to invest in that person, and the more you end up loving that person. That is not a question of, “Oh, I love you because you’re closer to me.” No, Hashem put you closer to me. Therefore, I invest more in you because I have more opportunities, and I love you more. But it is not because I think this person is worthy of more love than somebody else. Maybe I’m not being clear. I’m going to say it again. When the Torah says to love every person, it means every person. But you’ll ask me, “The love of a spouse is not going to be the same as the love of my friend. The love of my close friend isn’t the same as the love of the guy I don’t see that often.” That’s true. But it’s just because Hashem placed people closer to you in your life. Since they’re closer, you have more opportunities to invest in those people, and that’s why the love grows more.
When you have a spouse, you have more opportunities to sacrifice and invest. You have a greater love. You’re going to invest more in the people who are closer to you in your family because they’re closer to you. Hashem placed those people in your life, and therefore your investment in them is greater, which develops a bigger love. The farther someone is, obviously you’re not going to have the same amount of love because you just don’t have the same amount of opportunity to sacrifice and give for that person. That’s a fact. That’s true, that’s fine. But to say, “This person is not close to me, so I don’t invest in him; this person is not in my family, so I have no reason to love them or do things for them because they’re not close to me”—that is against the principles of the Torah.
According to the principles of the Torah, everyone in our family of Am Yisrael is worthy of our ahava and our investment. Clearly, we can’t invest in everyone the same amount in the same way. But if it were possible, and if we had such an opportunity, then there would be no difference between your best friend and the one who is not your best friend. If “best friend” means that I treat this guy well and this guy not so well, then that’s against the values of the Torah. If it means that I’m so close to someone because we’ve known each other for so many years, we’ve done so much together, and I’ve given so much to this guy, and we’ve developed a greater love, that’s fine. But that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love me. He’s any more worthy of your love than the guy who’s not quote on quote your best friend. Again, Hashem put that person in your life, so a greater love developed. But it doesn’t mean that any person is any less worthy of your commitment to love them when the opportunities are available.
Therefore, if a person wants to invest their time and energy, they should invest in the people in their life. The easiest ones—and sometimes the hardest—are the people who are close to you. They’re the easiest because they’re always around; they’re the hardest because they’re always around. There is no excuse not to develop a tremendous ahava for those people. A person has a spouse, children, siblings, parents—whatever opportunities come up. Sometimes you have to make the opportunity to invest in someone: to sacrifice for a person, get them something you don’t want to get them, go somewhere you don’t want to go, or be involved in things you don’t really want to do. Whenever those opportunities come up and are needed, a person should not only realize that they have an opportunity, but should know that the way they do it—the investment, simcha (happiness), and energy they put into it—will make a difference in how much love and ahava is produced.
The next time a spouse asks, “Could you please do this for me? Could you go there for me?” and that’s the last thing you want to do, and in general you say, “No way. Why don’t you do this for me? Why don’t you do it? Why do you always ask me these questions?” A person should realize the opportunity being given to them. They are being asked to give up something of themselves for their spouse, which is how ahava is developed.
I’m not saying the other spouse should abuse their situation. But in reality, situations in a marriage come up very often where one of the people does not want to do something, and that is a great opportunity. Whenever you don’t want to do something for someone, these are the building blocks of your marriage. Whenever you do something you want to do, that’s very nice. It’s enjoyable. It doesn’t build ahava. What builds ahava is specifically the love you have for him—the things you don’t want, the things you don’t like. When the window is open and you want it closed and it’s annoying you, that’s the time. When you’re going somewhere or not going somewhere even though you don’t want to, that’s the time. You have to realize the opportunity, and you have to be b’simcha (with happiness).
Just as when we serve Hashem, it’s “Ivdu et Hashem b’simcha.” It makes a difference when you serve Hashem or you serve him with happiness. The results are not the same. The relationship doesn’t grow as much when you do it without simcha. When you do it with happiness, it develops a much stronger bond, and the ahava is at a much higher level.
The next time you have a situation in your marriage and it’s not what you want, number one, realize the opportunity Hashem has just given you, because the greatest thing you could do in your marriage is to have a high level of ahava. The only way to create that high level of ahava is specifically during situations like that. Therefore, accept it b’simcha. Realize what Hashem is doing for you. Stop getting in trouble, stop getting annoyed, stop complaining, and realize this is your avodah (work). Precisely, this is your moment to do something you don’t want to do b’simcha.
If husbands and wives are listening to this class, they would upgrade their marriage daily, because things happen every day, sometimes smaller things, sometimes bigger things. When somebody is being a little annoying or difficult, a person has to know that these are moments of opportunity, and they should be accepted with happiness. If it’s an exaggerated situation where somebody is taking advantage or acting way beyond the line, consult with your local Orthodox authority and see if it needs more advice or care than the normal situation.
This is what happens with parents and their children. Every time a child needs extra attention, it’s again a building block of the ahava between the parents and the child. The more you do for your children, the more you develop ahava for them. You don’t need to look for things, but when things come up, sometimes it’s the doctor, sometimes the hospital, sometimes a school thing, sometimes a friend thing. Children are not so easy, and they bring a lot of opportunities for their parents to invest. Very often, parents get frustrated, and understandably so, especially mothers who are trying to handle not just one child, but two, three, four, five, six. It’s not so easy. But again, viewed through the proper lens, it’s an opportunity to develop a higher level of ahava with your child, even though you might say, “I already love my children.” No, no, you can love them even more by sacrificing. You actually love them more.
That’s why, by the way, it’s documented that parents in a family with a special child—we’ll call the other children regular children—develop a greater love and connection to the special child than to the regular, normal children. How could that be? You have a normal child who looks normal, acts normal, and does what everybody else considers normal, and then you have that child who isn’t really doing the things that normal—let’s call them normal—people do. So how could you connect more to that child than to your other children? The answer is that the child requires more care, and because he requires more of your time, efforts, and sacrifice, you develop a greater connection to that child.
When a person has situations in their life where they’re being asked to give up something of themselves, that’s the reality Hashem created. They should know that one of the reasons that reality was created—I don’t know all the reasons. We don’t know what Hashem—Hashem is much deeper than us. But whenever you have a challenging situation with somebody, one of the reasons is for you to develop a higher connection. So do it with simcha. Do it with happiness.
You have a situation like that with parents. Sometimes parents, especially as they get older—that’s so easy—there are things a person must give up. Sometimes it’s a phone call, sometimes a visit, sometimes a daily visit, sometimes a two-day visit, sometimes a visit twice a day, sometimes taking care of them in certain ways. That’s not so easy. These are the situations Hashem orchestrated in life. These are not accidental things. Hashem orchestrated that we have opportunities to do things for our parents, not just because of, but also because of developing ahava and closeness to our parents. So we have opportunities, opportunities to do things for them.
The same happens with siblings. The same happens with friends. Sometimes a friend is down and out, is not well, needs help, needs advice, and we sometimes have opportunities to give up time and space in our lives for that person. Another opportunity. We must recognize that whenever the people around us need us and ask us to give something up, this is part of the service of Hashem, because Hashem told us, “In order to serve Me, I want you to love him.” Therefore, every time a person has such opportunities, they should take advantage of them with happiness.
Sometimes life is overwhelming when you have a hundred opportunities at the same time. How do you know how to prioritize? Sometimes you just don’t have enough time, and that’s also part of the Nisayon (challenge). Sometimes Hashem gives you eight people to help at the same time, but you don’t have space for eight people. You help as you go. You can only talk to one person at a time. You can only visit one person at a time. So then what? The answer is, you have to know that the closer someone is to you, the more responsible you are for them. There’s a reason why this is your brother. There’s a reason why that’s your sister. It’s not accidental. These people were planted in your life, and you have to know that whatever Hashem put closer to you in your life, you are more responsible for them than for others.
You have to love others equally, but when you have a choice between a brother and a friend, you must choose your brother, even though you like your friend more. “But he’s my friend. I don’t like my brother.” Unless there’s a situation where you’re not supposed to be helping him, your brother goes first. Why? Just because he’s my brother? Yeah, just because he’s your brother, because Hashem decided that that guy is your brother. Why is he your brother? Because you’re more responsible for him. You have to decide the same way in all situations in life where you just don’t have enough to help others. You don’t have enough money to help others. What do you do? You only have a certain amount of money to give someone in need, and you have 30 people waiting for help, and you need to love every one of those people. You can’t tell that guy, “What do I have to do with him? I don’t care about him. I care about these people.” That’s anti-Torah.
If you say, “I don’t care about those people because they don’t live in my city. I don’t care about those people because I know they’re not in my community. They have different last names. I don’t know them,” that’s anti-Torah. But what can I do? Can I help everybody in the world? Maybe not. Well, if you’re blessed and you have a lot of money, then yes, you should help as many people as you can. But if you’re limited, then there’s a priority. Again, you have your family. Why your family? Because Hashem put them in your family. If they’re your family, they’re people close to you, and you keep going. People in your city come to you. People in your city come before people in other cities. There’s a system. Again, the system isn’t meant to say, “Love the people in your city more than other people.” That’s not what it means.
It’s a horrible thing that we sometimes do. We’re all probably guilty of this: we look at other people and say, “Oh, they’re not from my community. I don’t care about them. I don’t care about that.” No, no, no. That’s not the way it’s supposed to be. You’re supposed to care about everybody as much as you can. But again, when there is a limitation, you need to know where Hashem put you in life, and therefore you must know who comes first.
Unfortunately, there are many, many people who treat their friends better than they treat their brothers. There are many, many places where people treat people outside the family better than their own family. There are people who treat people outside their city better than the people in their city. Sometimes when you’re closer to someone, it’s harder to help them. It’s harder to help your neighbor than to help the Jew in South Africa. The Jew in South Africa is a beautiful guy. You never met him, you never saw him, and as far as you know, he’s a wonderful person. The guy next door is not as wonderful, because he’s a beautiful guy—you see all his faults. The closer you are to somebody, the more of their faults you see. The harder it is to help them. But this is the obligation of a person: they must know that the people who are closer to them get first rights to their investment. But then you have more and more. You must use it on every person Hashem can give you to help.
Yes, that’s a very important question. Are the people in Israel considered like the people in your city? You know what, I’ll deal with that in a different place. It’s an important question. The answer is yes. Yes.
Now, part one of what we just learned is to appreciate the difficult opportunities that come our way, to step up our game in those difficult moments, and realize what Hashem is giving us, what Hashem wants from us, and the tremendous benefit we will get when we use those opportunities. The ahava is the prize. The investment is what we need to do.
A person sometimes sees a needy person who is not from his circles, maybe from out of town, maybe from a place in his town that’s from a different shul (synagogue) or a different kahal (community). A person must realize that, at the very least, a person can sacrifice five seconds. Tell the guy a nice word. Give him a smile. A guy comes from Eretz Yisrael. He needs to marry off his daughter. There are thousands of people like that. They come and need help. Do you know them? No. Do we know exactly what they have? No. But at the end of the day, if they flew from Israel here, they’re probably not wealthy, and they’re coming for help. How much could you give them? Whatever you can give them. That’s not the point. But at least everybody can give them a warm hello and respect, to make them feel valuable in this place, where they know nobody around them. You don’t have to give everything to the guy who asked you because you may have other responsibilities. But you have no excuse not to give a guy a smile. You can’t say, “No, I only have one smile, because I have to give it only to my friends. I only have one smile.” That doesn’t make sense.
A smile is more—you’re going to be—excuse me—you’re going to be held more accountable for your lack of smiles than for your lack of giving money. Money may be limited, your energy may be limited, your discussions may be limited. But if you see the guy, it doesn’t cost you any more to smile at him and give him a warm hello than to ignore him. So part of fulfillment Of the Is even if you can’t Fulfill the guy’s needs, and you’re unable to fulfill a responsibility you may have because you have other responsibilities ahead of that one, at the very least you do something—something you can afford. So part of Is feeling that responsibility for every person who comes your way. Again, not every person—could you give them everything? Because you’re one person.
Hashem, by the way, puts us in those situations. He brings a person to ask you for something, and you really don’t have time for him. You don’t have money for him because you already have other obligations that you must put first. Yet Hashem sends you that guy anyway. “Hashem, why do You do that to me? Why are You sending me other people when You know I’m tapped out? I have no more time. I have no more energy. Why do You give me that person?” There are two reasons. We already answered one: Hashem always wants to remind you of your priorities, so you know who comes first. That’s part of free choice and making the right choices in life, knowing what your responsibilities are. Number two, He wants you to use whatever you can, whatever you can afford, on that person.
Even though He knows you can’t give him money because you’re out of money, and He knows you can’t give him time because you’re out of time, what is He sending him for? Because there might be something you can afford. You can afford to give him a warm welcome, and that would be considered your sacrifice. You’re running, you have no time. A guy says, “Can I talk to you?” You could just ignore him. You could yell at him, or at least give him the kavod (honor), whatever that might entail. That would be considered an investment in Ahavat Yisrael (love of Israel). Ahavat Yisrael is in situations that are not so easy, and even in situations when you can’t help. By helping the guy, you’re giving him something that doesn’t cost you that much. It is considered your obligation and responsibility to that person.
Charlie is asking a good question. Sometimes you give a person a smile, and then they want your hand, then your pocket, then your bank account. So he made a—he made a decree that it’s better not to smile. If you don’t smile, they don’t ask for your hand, and you’re protecting them. This is what you’re saying. I think your decree has been made and adopted by many, many others; people have that same attitude. Don’t get too close to the guy. This way you won’t get hurt. Stay away. This is against the values of the Torah. This is absolutely, absolutely wrong.
Now, you’re right. On the one hand, you have to deal with it. You need to strategize how you can give a person what they need and what you can afford without getting drawn into something you can’t afford. Hashem, if He gave you such a person, you’re probably able to deal with him. You just have to strategize. I don’t have all the strategies today. You can tell the guy, “Listen, I really want to help you. Could you give me something I could send the money to? That’s it. I don’t have the time today, but I’d love to help you. Could you give me—could you come back?” Or whatever the situation might be. A person with the right strategy can make the guy feel valued without getting sucked into the situation. You have to care enough. The problem is not so much that you’re afraid about your bank account. The problem is we don’t care enough.
You see a guy you’ve never seen before, and you say, “What do I have to do with him? He’s not from my people. I’ve never seen him before. I’m probably never going to see him again.” Usually, this is our reaction to people we don’t know. We kind of ignore them and excuse ourselves because, yes, if we smile, then they’ll ask. It’s just an excuse. That’s not a real thing. The real thing is, if you care about somebody, you do whatever you can to help them.
So now you have so many opportunities in life. How many opportunities a day does a person have to sacrifice for others? Not all sacrifices are equal, but at the end of the day, if it’s a sacrifice, you have to sacrifice for others. It develops an ahava, a connection to that person, to another person. If a person lives their life that way, they’re filling their space in their mind with ahava, because everyone in that room, they gave themselves.
I want to finish today by telling you about one of the great sacrifices a person can make, one that can reach thousands and thousands of people. Imagine I could tell you that you can do things and be able to love thousands, hundreds of thousands, millions of people. You’ll say it’s impossible. If I need to sacrifice for someone in order to love them, how many people can I love in my life? Ten, twenty, thirty, a hundred, five hundred. How many people can I sacrifice for? So therefore, there’s a limitation.
But I want to share with you a type of sacrifice that can be very, very powerful and far-reaching, and it’s all within our hands. It’s perhaps one of the greatest sacrifices. Perhaps it’s a greater sacrifice than time, and perhaps it’s a greater sacrifice than money. What could be a bigger sacrifice than time and money? It’s the sacrifice of the individual. Let me explain a little more.
Usually, when we look at others, we like to see the negative in that person. It’s natural for us. You make your final judgment about someone in a quarter of a second. In a quarter of a second, you see five hundred people in shul on Shabbat. Every time you see a guy, you have him coined. That’s this guy, that’s that guy, that’s the angry guy, that’s the nervous guy, that’s the cheap guy, that’s this guy, that’s the guy who talks in shul, that’s the guy who yells when something goes wrong. You have a description for each and every person. As you look around you, you see all the negativity.
That’s the normal way of looking at people. You should know that the normal way of looking at others is to see the negative, and there’s a very good reason for it. When we see negativity in others, we walk into the room and see all the people who are below the standard. Below whose standard? Below my standard. That guy is cheaper than me. That’s really what I mean. Meaning, I’m better than him. That’s what I mean. Each person I negate makes me feel more hashuv (important) in my eyes. So if I can walk into a room of 500 people and they’re all below the standard, I’m the best guy here. I’m the gadol in this room. I walk around and everybody’s got issues. The rabbi’s got issues. The chazan (cantor) has more issues. The baal kore (Torah reader) has issues. Everybody—the mesader (service organizer) has a lot of issues.
So you walk into a room—I wish I were exaggerating—but this is normal, the norm for most people. Like 99.9—not most, like 51%—like 99.9%. The natural way of life is to be in any place with this mindset, anywhere you go. By the way, it probably is true, because every person has something that’s not so great. We don’t live with angels, so every person—it’s not like you’re making things up. If you make things up, that’s a new level. I don’t think 99.9% make things up, but for sure, in every person you know, there is something that stands out as maybe not so great.
But the person also has a lot of great things. The question is, what do you see? What do you see when you look at this guy? This guy has a lot of great things. He has a lot of great things. He has some things that are not so great. So, bottom line, what’s your judgment? Great guy or terrible guy? What do you see? You see good, you see negative, and we do this all day long. Every guy you see in the street, every guy you hear about. The Jews who live in Yerushalayim, the Jews who live in Tel Aviv, the Jews who live in Bnei Brak, the Jews who live in it. This is a mindset that’s not so great.
It’s not only when we meet individuals; it’s when we hear things about people and when we think about people. We have a brand name for every group and every individual. It’s all within our headspace, and we know the negativity in each one. I’m not saying there isn’t negativity, but there are also plenty of good things. Why does the mind automatically race to the negative? Because our ego wants us to feel that we’re better than others. The ego automatically comes in and tells you, “That guy, he’s that, he’s this, he’s that,” and before you know it, you’re the Melech Malchei HaMelachim, king of kings, anywhere you go, whether it’s in your home, your shul, or your community. Your community is better than other communities because they’re this and they’re that, and this one is not, and this one is not. Wherever you go in the world, you’re always on top. That’s exactly where your ego wants you to be. It wants you to feel on top of every person, every shul, every community. My thing is better than your thing. My shul is better than your shul. “Oh, that shul, they have the—oh, they have that guy. Oh, that shul, they have that rabbi. Oh, that shul, they have that rabbi.” That’s the way it works.
The goal of the ego is to put you always on top by putting others below you. We do this all day, every day, in many, many, many ways. So you have to know that you don’t have to do anything bad to become this person. That’s why most people are this person. They didn’t want to become this person. They were born this person. We are born this way. You didn’t have to be this way. You didn’t have to go and become something bad to do what I just described throughout your entire life. This is the norm for the human being when he’s born. When you’re born, you already have this characteristic, this ego that constantly asks you to do exactly what I described, and you can see the negative in every single person, in every single group.
So now what does a person do? Hashem is asking us to have Ahavat Yisrael. How do you develop Ahavat Yisrael? If ahava—if love—comes from sacrifice, how is it possible for me to have Ahavat Yisrael? Is that possible? Again, I don’t know; I’ve never seen him before. There are people in the community I don’t know. What is Ahavat Yisrael? If ahava is built through sacrifice, how can I do it with Am Yisrael? Is that possible?
The answer is, you have to give up and sacrifice your ego. You have to start looking at people around you and judge them final good. To see the good in somebody is a big sacrifice. It’s allowing yourself to see things in others that may not be as good in you. It’s the ability to praise somebody. It’s the ability to speak well of that shul, that rabbi, that person. It’s the ability to walk through life and see the goodness in that community and that group. Sometimes it’s easier, sometimes it’s harder. But this is a sacrifice needed to have Ahavat Yisrael.
If you want to know whether you’re that person or becoming that person, notice what happens when you walk into a room: you see all beautiful people. When you start to see beautiful people around you in your life, then you know that you’re starting to develop ahava. You can only see the beauty in people when you’re willing to sacrifice your ego and work on changing the way your eyes see things. It’s an avodah. It’s work. It’s not going to happen automatically. You need to actually work on it because you’ve been doing this for 40 years, 50 years, 60 years. It’s not going to just automatically change. But it’s something within our ability.
When we see the good in others all around us, sacrifice to see that good, and sacrifice to lower our ego and put others ahead of us in our minds and in practice—by opening the door for somebody, giving extra honor to somebody, giving something up for somebody—that develops Ahavat Yisrael. A person can actually develop an ahava for Am Yisrael even though I didn’t know them. When I think about that group in Yerushalayim, that group of people who are Ahavat Yerushalayim (love of Jerusalem), they are special people. They may do some things that are not so good, but I see the good too, and in fact I judge them through the good.
This is what the Ramban says. The Ramban tells his son, “Make sure every person you see, yihyeh gadol mimcha be’einecha.” Everyone should be in your eyes greater than you. How can a person be greater than me? Is that really true? I know he’s not greater than me. No, but there are things about that guy that may be greater than you, and you should be looking for that. You should be looking for the things he does that you don’t do as well. Look to measure yourself against him, not to measure him against you.
A person develops Ahavat Yisrael in that way. Another thing a person can do to develop Ahavat Yisrael, even for people he doesn’t see or who are not close to him, is pray for them. In our tefillot (prayers), we usually pray in the plural. We pray for health, not only for ourselves but for everybody else. Everything we pray for is not only for us, but for all of Ahavat Yisrael. When a person prays for Ahavat Yisrael and includes them in the prayers, that is also a salvation for the people he doesn’t see or who are not close to him. It is also a sacrifice in the sense that he is giving Ahavat Yisrael a portion of his mind, a portion of his thoughts. He is thinking about them. He is asking Hashem to help them. That would be another avenue for developing Ahavat Yisrael.
A person who lives with ahava walks into rooms, walks in the street—everywhere they go, they are surrounded by people they love: strangers, people who are close, and all around them are people they have a connection to, an ahava for. What a life it is to live a life of ahava. Hashem says these are the two areas in life worthy of your investment of love: love of the Creator and love of Am Yisrael. With those two things in place, you have a life of pleasure. In fourth Class, you live a life of ahava way greater. These pleasures are way greater than state, way greater than a vacation. It’s a beautiful way to fly through life. That is Hashem Who Is Okay To Have A Good Day. Have a good day.