The politics that goes into it—the back and forth, the negotiations. “I want this guy.” Consider: Okay, tovim aflam, tovim lehatzliach et kulchem. Netanot et hakrotim hamisa'im shelanu betzad ha-9. Orekh yafeh lenasot et hayom im kulchem.
The pasuk (verse) says in Tehillim, Elohim moshiv yechidim bayta (God settles the solitary in a home). Hashem asu mashehu me'od markuli. HaGemara kompres et zeh leseflatim shel halev.
What does Hashem do? He’s mashiv yechidim. He takes individuals and places them bayta (in one house). I don't know how many of us, a marriage of a man and a woman, to be miraculous, but the Gemara says from this pasuk—and, as we’ll soon see, from logic—that it’s one of the great miracles in life. And when we see it actually happening, we could only say that this is the work of our Creator. There is no other way to explain it. Elohim. It is Hashem. Only He could take an individual.
Now, he doesn’t mean an individual by number. He means an individual by kind. By number, I have one person, then another one comes, and now I have two people. A third one comes. That’s one kind. That’s an individual by number. An individual by kind means I’m able to take a lion and have him be friendly with the cow. That’s called a yachid, an individual of a kind. Hashem took yechidim. He took an individual that’s so different, that has its own kind, and took another yachid and put them together in the same house.
This is the way David HaMelech describes the relationship of a man and a woman: they are considered a yachid. They are considered individuals. It’s just like looking at two different creations and saying they have no way to connect to each other. A lion cannot live with a sheep. It doesn’t work. Maybe in the days of Mashiach (Messiah), the pasuk says, there will come a time when the animals will be able to live with each other. But back to our subject: we must realize that this is one of the great miracles in life.
If we’re looking to find Hashem in this world, Baruch Hashem, over the last few months, every Christian we have, we find Him in another place right in front of our eyes that maybe we haven’t seen. And here today, we’re going to uncover another obvious place where we find the Creator. It’s so clear that you can’t miss Him, but you can go a hundred years and miss it: the relationship of a man and a woman.
Marriage is miraculous, miraculous beyond comprehension. When we see marriages failing, it should not be a shock to anybody. Marriages are built to fail. There is no way for them to be successful. If anybody says, “Wow, I’m shocked the marriage didn’t work,” what are you shocked about? There’s nothing to be shocked about. If you put it on paper, it can never work. And if it works, it’s an absolute—it’s a miracle.
Why do I say that? Let’s look at the makeup of a man and the makeup of a woman. They’re so different, as we all know. The Gemara says that women are a nation unto themselves, which means that men are also a nation unto themselves. A man and a woman have a relationship, have totally different pleasures. They look forward to different things. Their minds are on different wavelengths.
Just to give you an example, because I don’t want to go through all the details, which are obvious: if you were 18 years old and were going to Israel for the year, you’d be going to Israel to yeshiva for a year. As you know, yeshivot of all kinds have dormitories. When you go to Israel, you get a dorm. You don’t have a room by yourself like you have in your own house, or a room you share with your brother or sister. In this case, you’re going to have to share the room with usually four or six, sometimes even more.
The boys are going to come into the room and sleep together. They’re going to talk to each other. They’re going to share space. It’s a small room with a few beds, maybe a shower if they’re lucky, a bathroom if they’re lucky.
Now, when they come to you and say, “Okay, who do you want a room with? What kind of person do you want to be with? You know, there are 200 boys here. Which boys are you going to choose?” Obviously, and this is obvious to all, every person wants to choose someone who is most like them. You’re not going to find a guy who doesn’t speak your language and room with him. Let’s say you’re a guy who likes to sleep early. You’re not going to room with a guy who’s up till three in the morning. You’re not going to do that. And if you’re up till three in the morning, you’re not going to want a guy in your room who goes to sleep at ten o’clock at night. It’s disturbing to you. You have different ideas.
A guy who likes music is going to sleep at night. You’re not going to do that. He’s not going to like to room with a guy who doesn’t like music. One guy likes classical music and he likes rock. It’s not going to work. One guy likes Sephardi (Sephardic) music, one guy likes Ashkenazi (Ashkenazic) music; one guy hates it, one guy loves it. You’re not going to choose somebody who is not like you.
If you like it cold in the room, you want other people who like it cold in the room. Because if you like it cold and they like it hot, you’re going to have a lot of issues. If you’re a well-kept guy, you like everything to be mesudar, clean, and put away. You like the bed to be made up. You like everything to be perfect and neat. You’re not going to want to share a room with a slob. You’re not going to do it. The guy’s throwing his pants on one side, the room is full of clothing, the bed is never made up. The guy—you can’t do it. You can’t do it. You see the guy, and he gets so nervous.
So obviously, when they give you a choice of who you’re going to room with, you’re going to choose the people who are most like you. You like to play ball, you want guys who play ball like you. You like to read books, you want guys who like to read books. Each one, they go and put together their kind.
And by the way, even then, I’m very involved with many boys who go away, out of town, and go to Israel or other places. I can tell you: do you know how much politics goes into choosing who’s going to room with you for six months? “I want that guy. That guy’s not—I don’t like him. He’s not like me.” And now it maybe takes two months to negotiate, to negotiate who is going to be in my room. That is not forever. This is for a few months.
And after all this is settled and they get married to each other, now they’re married for six months in this room. You can’t imagine the amount of difficulties that take place in this room that was planned way ahead of time. They chose the people they like, and they chose. But the amount of challenges that come up: anger, hatred. I know guys who sat in a room together for three months. They didn’t say one word to each other. Some guys hate each other from that time. The way the guy brushed his teeth made him so nervous. The way he brushes and goes back and forth, does it too many times. You’re laughing. I see you guys are laughing, but I’m telling you, I’m not exaggerating. I’m telling you, even—I’m telling you the nice things now.
This is with men who chose to be with each other, and they like each other. Could you imagine in your wildest dreams that you would choose someone like your wife? Now take away the woman factor from it. I’m saying, take a man with those characteristics. Would you choose a man who likes makeup, who likes to do his hair all the time? He’s always looking to—you know, he’s always coloring his face, he’s doing his eyebrows. I don’t think I’m rooming with that guy. You know, he has a lot of very sensitive, certain sensitivities. You say the wrong thing, imply the wrong thing, and the guy gets very upset. Or a guy says the wrong thing and starts crying. Who’s going to room with a guy who’s crying? You never do it. I’m not going to go through all the things, because people might get upset. By the way, women shouldn’t be upset. The men, too. You know, you know, you know, you know.
Take this whole story I just gave you; it works the same for girls. They also have a lot of decision-making when it comes to their friendships. They have cliques: this clique, that clique. What makes a clique a clique? Because they all like each other. They like the way they think. They like the way they dress. They like the way they talk. So they create a little clique. And even then, there’s politics. Would they ever choose to be part of their clique with someone who has the character of a man? Never.
So I’m telling this story from a man’s perspective, because I’m a man, but it’s exactly the same way, maybe even worse if you’re a woman. So you’re talking about two different animals, totally different humans. A man and a woman are extremely different. They would never be able to get along. That’s why the pasuk says they are called yechidim. Men and women are called individuals. Again, not because they’re one and now they’re two. No, they’re one because one is like a lion and one is like a sheep, and they try to make a shiduch (match) between a lion and a sheep. See how that works? David HaMelech says, Moshiv yechidim bayta. It’s only with the miracle of the Creator that He’s able to take these individuals, who are in so many ways opposite each other, and actually give them the ability to live in a house together. Not for a day, not for a month, not for six months. He gives them the ability to be with each other for a hundred years and even to be happy with each other. Miracle. Elohim moshiv yechidim bayta.
How does Hashem do it? What are the chains that He has, that He uses to lock them up in a house together? If you want the lion and the sheep to be together in a room, you’re going to have to lock them up, and you’re going to have to protect them from each other. How does Hashem do it? Where are the cords?
The answer is that Hashem created a miraculous attraction between a man and a woman. An attraction that has no logic to it, able to involve them in the hand of Hashem. A man being able to run after a woman physically is something beyond what a person is able to conceive. We would never imagine that a person would run after somebody else to touch them, to hug them. You can’t imagine why. Do you hug your computer? You love your computer. You love your phone. You give it a hug. Does it matter to you?
But Hashem created an attraction that doesn’t make sense, that you can look at and say, “Wow, this is a miracle.” You see a man running after a woman; it’s a miracle. What’s attracting him? Where is the magnet? What is it? There’s nothing there.
The Gemara says something startling. Excuse me for being a little, you know, maybe descriptive. But the Gemara says that the parts of men and women are not from the cleanest part of the body. It’s not like you’re attracted to their shoulder or their eyes. The Gemara says that Hashem chose to make this miracle—the attraction—in the part of the body that a person uses to let out his waste, to make the miracle even greater. What’s attracting the person? I’m not making fun of it. I’m saying how amazing it is. It’s beyond human comprehension. It’s like Hashem turns on a light switch and says, “Okay, you know something? I’m going to get you to be attracted to that. Boom, here’s the light. I’m going to get you two together.” Me and her together? Impossible. Impossible. Why would I want to be with her? For what reason?
When Hashem says, “I’m going to make a cord, I’m going to tie a knot, and you and her are going to be together. And you’re going to be able to be happy together, too. I’m going to use the power of attraction that is so difficult to comprehend.”
And if a person is sitting there saying, “What do you mean? What’s this rabbi talking about? Difficult to comprehend? It’s so obvious. What do you mean? You have an attraction. You get excited. It’s natural. It’s natural. Real. It’s natural.” So you’re telling me that a man being excited for a woman is natural and vice versa? Uh-huh. So let me see. How does it work? Let’s say you have a sister who’s attractive. Yes. Do you get excited for a sister? Oh, no. How come? How come? Isn’t it natural? Anyone get excited for their mother? No. Why not? Same attributes. What’s the difference between that woman? Or that woman? How does that work?
Very interesting. The answer is that it’s literally a miracle of the Creator. Hashem is controlling the world, and He’s making this guy attracted to that one. He can turn it off when He wants, to whom He wants. That’s what David HaMelech is saying. Hashem is Moshiv yechidim bayta. Hashem created a physical attraction between a man and a woman, which allows them to live together and be happy together. They’re like chains that put them together.
We must appreciate that. We must see the great work of the Creator in that area of our life. And of course, the purpose is obvious. The purpose is to have children. How else would a man and a woman come together, if not for an attraction that brings them together? Otherwise, they would never be with each other.
Not only that. It helps Shalom Bayit (peace in the home). It brings peace into the marriage. It brings happiness into the marriage. Maybe your roommate in Israel you couldn’t get along with, but in a certain way you have a better chance of getting along with your wife because there’s something there that you didn’t have. That’s a miracle of Hashem. How Hashem takes a man and a wife and gives them the tools. A. The tools to be happily married. I say tools. It doesn’t mean they’re going to be happily married. I’m saying they’re given the tools to do it. The attraction to be able to overlook things.
The Gemara says it’s another miracle. When it comes to Peru, to having children, it says, “Hashem commanded, and it stood.” Hashem commanded, and it stood. Who’s able to stand? What are you talking about? It says Hashem commanded that the children would stand. Or maybe the parents would stand. What does that mean?
The next time you see a father taking care of his son or daughter, the next time you see a woman exhausted at night because of what she did that day for her children—she’s running to pick them up, she’s carpooling with the neighbor, she’s three hours in the kitchen cooking, she’s running to feed them, she’s pushing them into the shower to clean themselves, she’s wiping their dirt, she’s changing their diapers. The father is working day and night and writing checks out for their tuition.
The next time you see—and you’ll see it a lot, you just have to pay attention to it—the next time you see any human giving to their children, sacrificing for their children, you have to look at that and say, “I’m looking at Hashem right there.” You’re looking at God Himself. When you see a woman, what she does for her children, you’re staring at the Creator Himself.
My wife’s the creator? No. That’s not what I mean. There is no way we could have imagined that a human would be able to do something for someone else beyond maybe saying hello. What would you do for another person? Tell me. Let’s be honest. We’re good people here. If we’re in this class, we’re good people. We like to do the right things. What would you do for other people? Would you smile at them when you see them? We try. We don’t do it all the time, but we try. Would you give them a dollar if they needed it? I think so. Would you give them a dollar if they came to you every morning? Would you give them a dollar every morning? I’m not sure. Would you write them a check for $10,000? You’d say, “Probably not. Maybe.” Would you write them a check for $10,000 and they don’t say thank you? And they yell back at you? Would you do that? Would you write them a check for $10,000 and say, “That’s it, $10,000? What are you, nuts? I’m supposed to get like $40,000. What about $10,000? You’re giving me that room in your house? I don’t like it. I don’t like that room. I need another room. I gotta share with another.” What? Would you? Would you?
How long would you be able to handle the neighbor’s children when they come over on Shabbat day and make a little bit of noise? I’m not sure. How long would you stand for a person who talks back to you in a confrontational, disrespectful way? Which person would you stay home for when you want to go out for dinner? Or you want to go on vacation? Which person would you do that for? How many people in your life would you give your hard-earned earnings to? And it’s not tzedakah (charity) either. It’s not ma'aser (tithe). It’s not charity. It’s not tax-deductible. And I’m obviously only giving you a little bit of what parents do.
A mother—you see her after a long day with her children. She could be exhausted. And how about when they’re having issues in school? Parents are worried about them. They’re going down to the school. What a pain. They call you down to the school. You know, your son, your daughter. They’re disrespectful. They’re not responsible. They read you the Ten Commandments of everything you can’t do. That’s your son. It’s not me. If you called me in and told me, “Okay, you know you’re doing this wrong.” Okay, walk out. Let me fix it. But here, you have a father and mother. It’s not them. It’s their child. And now they feel all that responsibility on their shoulders. They feel all that pain. And they have to keep giving and keep doing. Impossible.
If a person were to write the script, if we had never seen a father-son, mother-daughter, mother-child relationship, if we had never seen it, and someone described to you what a human is doing for somebody else, you would say this guy is a malach (angel). If someone described a mother to you, if you had never seen a mother, you would say this person is a malach. There’s nothing to talk about. She carried the baby for nine months. She looked like 180 pounds when she was supposed to be 100 pounds. She can’t walk. She’s sitting in bed. It’s painful. She brings the baby in, and now she has to take care of it. You’d say this person is a malach. You’ve got to be nuts. You’ve got to be literally crazy to have a child.
In fact, I want to tell you something. One of the great rabbis in the last generation says the following. He says, “You know something? When I leave this world,” he says, “I’m going to miss a lot of things. But there’s nothing I’m going to miss more when I leave this world than seeing a mother taking care of her child.” And if you think about that line he’s saying, a mother taking care of her child—the sacrifice—it’s beyond imagination. Maybe he’s saying, “I see Hashem.” There’s no other way to explain it.
How do we explain the love that a parent has for her child? Why? He’s so cute. He’s so not cute. So not cute. Think about it. What’s cute? What’s cute about him? A little infant is cute. Making in your pants is cute. Not being able to talk and drooling is cute. Having no teeth is cute. Being bald is cute. You can’t walk, that’s cute. You can’t eat. That’s cute. Imagine you saw an adult with all those attributes. Imagine right now someone walked into your office, into your house, who looked like that. You’d call the cops. Not that they would come. But you would call them. What’s cute about a little baby?
The next time you see a baby, yours or another’s, and you say how cute they are, remember, it’s Hashem who gave you this feeling. There’s no logic to it. There’s no logic to why you think this bald, drooling, making in his pants, not talking, little kid this big is cute. There’s no logic to it. The logic is that Hashem gave you this feeling. The logic is that Hashem gave you an ahava, a love for these children. It makes no sense. Literally, Hashem gives us so much love for our children by nature. Day one, we didn’t even have them yet. They just came into the world. We love them already. We’re crying tears of happiness. We can’t wait to be their slave and serve them for the next 30 years. Who does that? Who’s happy about going into slavery? Hashem literally gives us the love and compassion to be able to take care of these children.
The only reason your children are standing is because Hashem commanded that a parent, a father and mother, should give so much to their children. They should have that tremendous love that they’re able to give. Otherwise, it makes no sense.
So therefore, when we see a marriage, and we see a marriage where people are actually staying together, the next married couple you see walking together, looking like they have a normal home and a normal relationship, you’re looking at the Creator Himself. You say, “Only Hashem could do this. Only Hashem could take these two people and actually make them happily live with each other. They couldn’t be roommates in school. No way. But somehow Hashem figured it out.”
When you see a parent giving it their all for their child, you’re looking at the Creator of the world, who gave them that ability to do it. Because it’s not fathomable. You can never imagine that something like that can be done from one human to another.
Today we open another channel to see the wisdom of the Creator and the kindness of the Creator, and the miracles that are staring at us every single day. Every time we see what we saw, what we spoke about today, it must awaken us. Some people say, “Where do you see Hashem?” Where do you not see Him? How could you not see Him? How could you not see a father and mother taking care of their child and not see the Creator? Who can explain that? What logic can anyone explain? Who would say that?
Be'ezrat Hashem, may you have a day of Beracha (blessing), a day of simcha (joy), a day of being able to see the Creator in our life. We'll be back tomorrow, be'ezrat Hashem. Have a good day.