Good morning, Rabotai (gentlemen). We're continuing our study of Eshet Chayil (woman of valor). We're in the fourth pasuk (verse), Darsha Tzemer (She seeks wool). We're talking about the subject of Ahava (love). As we've learned, Ahava is expressed in giving our time, our attention, our words, and our ears.
Ahava is also expressed sometimes by not falling into negativity, which unfortunately parents can easily fall into without realizing it. One of the ways to show someone Ahava is by not belittling them. It's not possible to show someone love at the same time as you show them disrespect. Even a little child feels when they are not being respected. Not being respected doesn't mean that they're going to be the leaders of the home. It means not to be mezalzel, not to belittle somebody.
There's a famous story about the great Steipler, zichrono livracha (of blessed memory). He was a very holy man. Many, many Jews flocked to his home to get blessings and advice. One day, they saw him walking into the bar mitzvah (son of the commandment) of what seemed to be a random boy from a random family. They weren't related to him, and they weren't his neighbors. It was unusual to see the Steipler at a bar mitzvah altogether, especially at the bar mitzvah of a boy who didn't seem to have any connection to him.
They saw him walking in, and he went over to the boy and asked him for an apology. A very strange thing. Was he asking for an apology? Basically, sometime before, when the boy was still a minor, a katan (minor), he had been praying in the same shul (synagogue) as the Steipler on Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement). He had a big book that he was reading during the Tefillah (prayer).
Noticing the big book, the rabbi told him that Yom Kippur is not a time to learn. It's a time to focus on Tefillah. He thought that the boy was holding a Gemara during the prayer. He told him, “It's not the time now. Learning is great, but not now.” The boy showed the rabbi that it wasn't a Gemara. It was the very big siddur (prayer book). No, maybe he had issues with his eyes.
So the Steipler waited to ask him for forgiveness. Why didn't he ask him at the time, at that moment? Because when you're a minor, you don't yet have the ability to forgive. You don't yet have the mental capacity to say, “I forgive.” You could say it, but it doesn't count. So the Steipler was waiting for this young boy to become bar mitzvahed so he would be able to ask him for forgiveness.
That's called respect. One would say, “He's a little kid, big deal. I'm a big man, he's a little kid. It'll pass.” But one of the ways you give people respect is by not belittling them. You do not embarrass them. And if, God forbid, you did, because sometimes we make mistakes—as even the Steipler didn't realize—at the very least, own up to it and ask forgiveness. There's nothing wrong with it. Ask him for forgiveness.
When a person makes a mistake, that's one of the ways we show Ahava: we show that we care about the person's feelings and do our best not to make them feel low. There are many types of situations parents find themselves in where, without realizing it, they belittle their children or grandchildren. A person has to know that you can't embarrass a child.
Sometimes, when a child is doing something wrong, it's very natural for a father or mother, who of course love him, to express their feelings in a very strong way, belittling the child and calling him names. They might say, “You're irresponsible, you don't care, you're this, you're that, you're lazy,” and all types of words that parents could use. Of course, the reason they're using them is that they think they're giving their children Chizuk, they're giving them strength.
Usually, when you speak very strongly like that, you get quick results. When you yell and scream and call someone a very strong name, you will find very quick results. So that's why it's very appetizing for a person to use such words. But you have to know that it's forbidden to belittle somebody. It's forbidden to call a child names. A person has to be very careful when they reprimand them: it has to be focused on the action and the solution, not on their personality.
One has to be super careful not to embarrass children in front of others. Not to embarrass children in front of others. Those others could be their own siblings. Just because you have an issue with one child, that doesn't become a family affair. It's very hard to do that, because very often in the home, everyone's together. You have to have self-control. If you have something strong to say to a kid because he did something wrong, you have to be careful that it doesn't become the talk of the home.
Brothers are not the same people. Therefore, if you're giving proper rebuke to one child about something he did in front of another one, you're embarrassing him. And sometimes it's considered embarrassment in public when there are a few people around. It's a very serious offense. It's very hard to do, because when you're living in your home, you feel like you're all one, so you can talk about everything. You can share everything. That's not true. You can't share everything. Just because one kid did something wrong, not everyone else has to know about it.
It takes a lot of control. It takes a lot of self-control for a person to scout out the situation and keep quiet until the right time. And again, it's another way of showing Kavod (respect) to somebody. Imagine going over to your son an hour later, when it's private, and saying, “Listen, I wanted to tell you something an hour ago, but I didn't want to say it in front of your brothers.” That alone is a tremendous sign of respect and shows Ahava: “I care about your feelings, so I came to tell you now.” You're starting on a much stronger footing than when you just say whatever you want in front of anybody who's there.
It's a lack of respect to embarrass somebody. The kid's saying to himself, “How could you love me and embarrass me in front of my family? How does that work? How does that work?” So, while of course you're doing it out of love, that's not what the broadcast is saying.
So we've discussed Baruch Hashem (Blessed is God) in the last few days, a lot of different strategies to show someone Ahava. But now we go into the warning. There's a warning here. Be aware: like every good product, there's a warning. This good product, showing someone Ahava, has a very big sign on it that says, “Warning, caution, beware.” There is a very, very big danger in this area of Ahava. If you don't know about it and you misuse your Ahava, you will get the opposite results from what you're looking for.
Like every good thing in life that Hashem made, there's always a way to misuse it. In Hebrew, there's a word called mefunak, pinuk. Mefunak or pinuk refers to someone who, in English, is called spoiled. What does it mean that I spoiled my children? And what are the effects if I indeed spoil them? Why would I spoil them? Spoiling something means you don't want to spoil them. If you take something good, healthy, strong, and happy, and then you pour some not-good liquid on it, you spoil it. When you spoil something, you're in the garbage. Used to be good.
So here we're trying to build somebody up through Ahava, this perfume that makes someone great, and yet the same liquid can become the spoiler of the person. What is the difference between giving my children love and giving my children something that spoils them? What is healthy love, and what is love that spoils? If you don't know the line, if you don't know the difference, you are endangering the very mission that you're looking to achieve.
In simple translation, because the word “spoil” doesn't really do the job, as often happens in life, translations or words don't really explain what we're talking about. What does it mean when I spoil somebody? It means that I make sure this person, this child, is not going to struggle. As a caring father or mother, I don't want my kids to struggle, because I view my job as a father or mother as giving my children happiness. Since my job is to give my children happiness, when they struggle, I'm not doing my job. As they struggle, they're not happy, or they're not feeling the full strength of happiness. Therefore, I have to make sure that they don't struggle so that I can fulfill my job of making them happy.
So there are two points here that we need to focus on in this calculation that every father and mother makes. Fathers and mothers, and also good teachers or not-so-good teachers, are well-meaning. But very often, they're not doing their job. We have to break down what is going on in the parents' minds that brings them to spoil their children. If we break it down, we see there are two points here. There are two points.
Point number one is that I, as a father or mother, have a job to make my children happy. That's point number one. I see, wait, I see that the purpose of life is to be happy, and it's my job to give them that happiness as long as they're on the earth. That's point number one.
Point number two is that the easier I make their life, the more I give them when they want something, the happier they will be. These are the two points that automatically come into a person's mind. Let's review them. Point number one: the mission of life, when we make decisions in life, always has to be, “What's going to make me happy?” That's how we make life decisions. “What's going to make me enjoy life more?” Every time I make a decision, I have to think, “Well, what am I going to enjoy, A or B?” That's how I make choices, because the purpose of life is to be happy. Therefore, I always have to make sure that I choose happiness.
Since the purpose of life is to be happy, I, as a parent, have an obligation to my children to make sure that they should always be happy. If I'm not going to be responsible for their happiness, which is the purpose of life, what else am I there for? So that's point number one.
Point number two: the purpose of life is to be enjoying and happy at every moment. Happy—I don't mean Simcha. Happy means “enjoy” in this context. Since the purpose of life is enjoyment, the more I give them when they want something, the fewer challenges they have to deal with and the fewer struggles they will have. We will be able to land the plane of enjoyment. Enjoyment is the purpose, and it's my obligation to figure that out for them. The more I fulfill their desires, the happier they will be.
These are the two points that normal people will think about, consciously or subconsciously. That brings them to want to make sure that their children have very little to struggle with. They don't like to see their children upset. They don't like to see their children in difficulty. They don't like to see their children feel that they're missing something. They don't like to see their children cry. They want to make sure they hold their hand every step of the way, that they're comfortable, that everything is secure, and that everything is in the right atmosphere. They will give them whatever they ask for, whatever they want. Of course, I'm going to give it to them, whatever I can afford, because they need to enjoy. So I have to give them whatever they need or whatever they think they need.
This is the pattern that, unfortunately, many of us fall into out of tremendous care and love for our children, without even realizing it. We fall into this trap and end up ruining our children. We pay a very big price, and even worse is that they pay a big price.
Where is the mistake in this calculation? I made a calculation. There's a formula here: enjoyment is the purpose of life; I am here to give them enjoyment, and when I give them peace and make life easier for them, they will enjoy. Where did I get anything wrong here? It's a formula. So we need to break down every step of the formula.
Number one: the purpose of life is not enjoyment. In reality, Simcha, inner joy and inner satisfaction, is also not the purpose. It is the result. Those who look for enjoyment will have a very hard time reaching enjoyment. It's actually counterproductive to make decisions in life based on what you enjoy. When you decide things in life based on what you enjoy, what will happen is that you will end up spoiling your ability to enjoy.
While happiness, and even enjoyment, is something we all strive for, we must always remember that it's a result. It's not how we make decisions. When you make good decisions in life, when you make correct decisions in life—not necessarily the ones that were easier, not necessarily the ones that you wanted—when you make smart, wise, good decisions, maybe the harder decision, those are the right decisions. It was harder to wake up early than to wake up late. It was harder to pay attention in school than to be a bum. It was harder to be respectful of your wife than to ignore her.
Forget what's more enjoyable. When you decide based on what you enjoy, you usually follow your feelings, and feelings are completely unreliable. Feelings could be for the wrong things. Therefore, when you go with your feelings, you're basically in a zone of danger, because you don't know if your feelings are correct. As you know, our feelings change all the time. Sometimes we're into something; ten minutes later, we fall out of it. Feelings are not Yatziv. They're not sturdy. They're not solid. And feelings are unreliable.
You could feel hatred for somebody, and there's really no good reason. “I just feel that way.” “Why do you feel that way?” “I don't know. I just get a bad vibe.” Feelings are unreliable. I told you once, a guy told me very proudly—very proudly. He obviously didn't come to this place. Very proudly, he told me he has a motto in life. A young guy. He has a motto in life. What's his motto? His motto is, “Whenever I have to make decisions, I always follow my heart.”
Now, he was saying that with very strong conviction and pride, as if he was telling me one of the Ten Commandments that he himself had found out in all of twenty years in this world. And he realized, “Just follow your heart. You can never go wrong,” he told me. It sounded so nice. “You can never go wrong. If you just follow your heart, your heart will always lead you to the right place.” You know how many people think that?
What can I answer this here? What can I tell him? He was so deep in his nonsense. I just said three words. I said, “For you, we could say from now, Baruch Dayan HaEmet (Blessed is the true Judge).” I had to give him a little shock. I said, “We don't have to wait. You can say it from now. You want to guarantee failure in life? Follow your heart. Whatever your heart wants, whenever it wants: your heart wants to sleep a little more, go for it. Your heart wants to go here, go. You want to smoke a little, go with your heart. Go for it. Your heart wants you to scream now, go all out. Just follow your heart. It's a guaranteed road to Gehinam (hell) in this world. You don't have to wait till Olam Haba (the World to Come). You can get a strong taste of it in this world. Follow your heart.”
What kind of... Again, it seems flowery and beautiful and nice: the heart, follow it. It's never... All words. But obviously, you don't have to be a genius, or a big rabbi, to know it's obviously wrong.
No. While clearly the world was created for us to enjoy, that is the actual purpose of the Creator: that we should be able to enjoy our life, not only in this world but for eternity. And it should be the mission of every father and mother that their children should be people who enjoy their life, here and for eternity. Yes. But that cannot be how we make decisions. It cannot be that decisions are made by asking, “Is this going to make me enjoy or not?” That doesn't add up to the result that we want. You make decisions with enjoyment in mind, and you actually make yourself less able to enjoy.
In the words of the Torah and Hachamim (sages), we find that parents are obligated in three things. Fathers are obligated to teach their sons Torah. You're obligated to teach your children wisdom. You're obligated to teach them a trade, so that they're able to sustain themselves physically in this world. And you have to teach them and train them to have midot tovot, good character. You see them angry, help them become calmer. You see them jealous, help them become more satisfied. It's a lot of work. Those are the three areas: teach them wisdom, teach them a trade, and help them develop good character.
No way does it say a father is obligated to bring enjoyment to his children's lives. The item that people probably think about first isn't even mentioned in our books. No way does it say a father is obligated to make things for his children to enjoy life. It doesn't say that. You're not obligated.
So point number one: all of it is a mistake from beginning to end. Number one, that the purpose, in terms of how we make decisions, is enjoyment? Wrong. Number two, that your obligation as a parent is for them to enjoy? That's also wrong. And if you ask how come you're not obligated to make sure they enjoy their life, it must be that the three things we mentioned are actually the way to get them to enjoy.
When you teach them wisdom, teach them how to succeed physically by having a trade, and teach them to have good character, then you've given them the formula for enjoyment. There is no separate item called “give them enjoyment.” Give them A plus B plus C, and those three together equal enjoyment. Teach them the wisdom of life, teach them how to earn, and teach them to have good character. You're good. Who can go wrong with such a formula? That's number one.
Number two: the second assumption was that the more I give them, the more they will enjoy. This is clearly a mistake. Hachamim, in their beautiful way, say it like this: if a person has a hundred, he's hungry for two hundred. When he has two hundred, meaning he's hungry for another hundred. You have a hundred, you want two, meaning you're hungry for one more. When you have two hundred, now you're hungry for four hundred. You got hungrier. It used to be that you were only hungry for a hundred. Now you're hungry for two. Now you're hungry for two.
Which means nobody leaves this world having even half of what he wanted. If you wanted a thousand things, at most you get four ninety-nine. At most. You're never going to get even half of what you really desired in this world. So the reality is, the more you give them to enjoy, the less they actually enjoy. The more you give them, the hungrier they become. And the thirstier they become. So you're actually doing the opposite of your goal.
Even if your goal is to give them pleasure and enjoyment—let's say that was your goal; we already proved that shouldn't be your goal—but let's say that's your goal, you're going about it the wrong way. By continuing to give them whatever they want, you're actually making them hungrier and therefore needier, and therefore less able to enjoy life. There's no such thing as being satisfied with the enjoyment of this world. The more you get, the hungrier you become and the more frustrated you become.
This is the trap for loving parents. They feel obligated to give their children enjoyment, and therefore they spend their lives trying to protect their children from all the things that make them uncomfortable. They try to give them anything they ask for. If they cry, it's an automatic yes. If they feel sad, it's automatically done, because they see the wrong obligation as a father or mother.
Our job, in fact, is to teach them how to enjoy life with boundaries. Actually, you could only enjoy with boundaries for a different time. Our job is to give them the ability to fight the struggles, not to fight them for them, but to give them the ability to go through things that are disappointing and situations that are difficult. Because if you don't do that, as they get older, you're basically setting them up for failure. When you protect them and give them everything they want at a young age, then when they get older and see that real life isn't as comfortable, and not everybody's coming to fulfill their desires like their parents did, they become extremely desperate and weak and don't know how to handle themselves. Of course, they will fail on many different levels.
You didn't give them the chance to fight for themselves, to deal with the struggles, to be able to find the muscle it takes to deal with things in life. When you don't get what you want, you can still be happy. You taught them that you can only be happy when you get what you want. So now what happens in life when they don't get what they want, which is going to happen every day? Every day, there are things happening not the way we want. So they've been taught by their parents that means you can't be happy.
Because you taught them that in every situation, in order for them to be happy, they have to get what they want. That was the underlying message. Why did I give you something when you cried? Because if I don't give it to you, you're not going to be happy. Why did I give you something when you asked me, even though you know I didn't really want to give it to you? Because I want to make you happy. So the underlying message you gave your children is: to be happy in life, you need to have whatever you want.
And now when they don't have whatever they want—which is true for everybody, and it's not only about money, it's many, many things—when you don't have what you want, you've automatically been trained to be unhappy. Besides that, you're weak and you don't know how to struggle or fight, because you were never given the muscle; they were always protecting you and holding your hand. Besides that, besides that, you become a weak human being.
But maybe even worse, you automatically understand your situation in life as one of unhappiness, because you've been taught very clearly by the people who care about you most. Who else is reliable? Who is more reliable than your parents, who taught you this message? Happiness is when you get everything you want, and now you go into the world and don't know what to do with yourself, because everything in life is a reason to be unhappy. “I don't have this. I don't have that.” But wait, you have this and you have that, and you also have this. Not everybody has everything, people will tell you. How many of you have heard that? Who has everything?
But that's not what this kid was taught. The lessons he got for many years were that you need to have everything. Otherwise, you can't be happy. That's called spoiling not only his ability to be happy, but his understanding of how a person can be happy. You don't have to have everything in life to be happy. There are ways to be happy in every situation. That's a gift, the real gift.
If you really love your children, you give them the real gift, which is showing them how to deal with life and how to be happy in every one of the situations they're in. Instead of protecting them from the things that are bothering them, teach them how to live with them, beat them, and even enjoy life as they're happening. That is the gift that you give them if you truly show them Ahava. If your Ahava is shown by fulfilling all their needs and protecting them from all their struggles, you've turned the Ahava, the perfume of Ahava, into the spoiling liquid. It will make it very, very difficult for them to survive in a happy way in this world they're in.