Good morning. We are continuing our study of Eshet Chayil. We've been speaking about how the word Chayil can be explained as meaning that a woman is leading a home of shalom. We explained shalom to mean that the people in the home are involved and feel the responsibility of bringing shleimut, of filling the holes of the other people they share the home with. Their focus, or part of their focus, when they walk into their home is to see what they can do to fulfill the needs of the others in that home. That's a magnificent home, where you have a home of shalom, true shalom.
Where does a person pick up the tools to have such a home, whether it's a woman or a man, or, in fact, to have any relationship of shalom between people—between friends, neighbors, or business partners? Where does a person start to develop the ability to have a life where the relationships, at least the meaningful ones, are relationships of shalom?
Every great accomplishment needs a beginning, foundation after foundation, and then, at some point, you can reach great heights. While we're speaking about great ideals, a home, and relationships of the highest caliber, and while it may be inspiring and may be something a person says, “I'm gonna aspire to it,” that doesn't mean it's going to happen. Everything requires certain preparations and certain foundations. So a person who wants to live such a life, no matter their age—the earlier the better—but no matter their age, says, “I am committed. I want to live a life where shalom is the overarching principle that I will live with. That's where I want to be.” What does that person have to do?
Like most good things in life, most important things, most meaningful things, the work starts inside the person. Usually, people don't like to start within themselves because it's much more difficult. We like to solve all the external issues. We like to point at situations or at others to blame for why we're not reaching our mission. We like to change the relationships. We like to change certain physical aspects of the relationship, hoping that by changing things—sometimes a person isn't getting along with his friends in school, so he says, “Okay, let me change classes.” That doesn't work. “Well, let me change schools. You know what? Maybe school’s not for me. That's why it's not working out. But when I finish school and go into the world, then I'll be able to do it.”
Very often, people like to feel that changes are being made because the physical reality has changed, or they try to change the physical reality in the hope that things will be solved. And the formula is very simple: since they're not getting along with that person, change the person. You won't have the same issues. And this isn't just in conflict; it's in many areas of life. The first place we like to solve things is externally: change the situation, change the relationship. This marriage isn't working; try another one. This partnership isn't going well; we'll split up. Obviously, there is a time to split up, both in a marriage and in a partnership. Definitely, there's room for that in life. But sometimes, no matter what a person does, it's just not the right fit. It's not the right situation. That's obvious. But we can be very sure that many, many relationships could have been solved and could have been resolved, but they were never given the chance.
Most issues in life are resolved within the person, and shalom is a great model for that. It's a great example of that, because to live with shalom with all the people in our lives, the first stop has to be what we call inner peace. A person has to have shalom with themselves, which could be the most difficult place to find shalom. One reason it's difficult is that people don't even realize they have a conflict within themselves. One of the worst wars to fight is one you don't even know is going on. At least if you know there's a war going on, you make an effort, make plans, strategize. But if there's a war going on and you're losing and you don't even know it, that is an absolute disaster.
Nobody is going to be surprised that people are struggling with their relationships and that shalom would be a huge upgrade in their lives in that respect. But I think many people would be surprised to hear that the biggest conflict they have is within themselves. The reason people don't see an inner conflict is that they're only one person. So how could there be a conflict within one person? Conflict, by definition, means there are two parties, and somehow they're against each other. But how can one person, who shares one goal—which is himself and his happiness—have a conflict with himself? It doesn't even begin in a person's mind. It's a big chiddush (novel insight). What does that mean? What does it mean when a person is in conflict? Where is the conflict?
The answer is very simple. You just need a little bit of thought to find the inner war that's going on within every person. It's actually raging in many situations. It's undeniable that every person has two parts, two distinct parts of himself, that don't see eye to eye on many issues. A person has his physical body and all that comes with it: the nature of the body, the desires of the body. And then a person has a neshama (soul) and all that it desires.
The body, among many things, likes to relax. If the body is allowed to relax, it will choose that over hard work every time. The body is generally lazy. The body is attracted to different physical desires. It sees something good to eat. The first thing is, “I want to eat it. I want to enjoy it.” Healthy, not healthy, good for me, not good for me—those are things I have to fight for. The natural desire of the body is just to enjoy, whether it's food, a relationship, whatever it might be. The body has its desires and its nature.
On the other hand, we have a neshama. We don't always know where the voices of our body and ourselves come from. That's one of the issues. Because we're one body, somehow we think that all the voices inside us are coming from the same place. But clearly, they're not. Our neshama will sometimes make us feel that we're not doing enough. The body is happy not doing it. The body wants to sit on the couch, but sometimes we hear a voice inside us: “Come on, get up. What are you doing? Go do something. Go help your mother. Go pick up your sister. Go learn something. Go to shul (synagogue), go pray. What are you sitting here for? Nine o'clock in the morning, still in bed. Ten o'clock, eleven o'clock. What do you think of a guy who wakes up at twelve o'clock? What's going on in him?” There's a part of him that says, “Great, just stay sleeping,” and a part of him that says, “Get up already.” Everybody hears that voice. Where does it come from? That's not the same place. That's the soul saying, “Come on. You can't waste your life like this.”
A person sees something attractive, whatever it might be. The body says, “Go for it. Don't look back. We'll think later. We'll worry about things later.” The body isn't a future-thinking type of creation. The body thinks about now. Right now, get what you want and worry later about what's going to happen. And then there's another side in the person; he's struggling. He can't do that. “What are you doing? You're going to get in trouble. You're going to hurt yourself. You're going to ruin your marriage. You're going to hurt your children. What are you doing?” But then the body comes back. It's like, “Come on. But don't you want this right now? Don't you want to have this? Don't you want to eat this?”
You can sometimes see a person looking at his plate. Sometimes you can actually see a person fighting back and forth. You know, when you see a big piece of cake and a guy takes a bite, what is that bite exactly? That's a very big fight going on inside him. His body says, “Eat the whole thing. Get another one.” The soul says, “Come on, it's not responsible. What are you doing? Not for you. Control yourself. You're not hungry. You don't need to have this now.” See, there's nothing to do. “Okay, I'll take a bite,” and then another bite. Come back in five minutes, and the guy has already eaten the whole cake, all one bite at a time, because he's struggling. He knows he shouldn't be eating it, but he can't deal with this conflict. His body's pushing him. I mean, there are endless examples, an endless number of examples.
Sometimes the soul is looking for spiritual accomplishment. Sometimes it's looking for health. The soul needs you to be healthy. Otherwise, you're not able to fulfill your mission in this world. The soul looks at the important things in life and thinks about the future. The soul is concerned about the future, the near future. It's thinking about the long-term future. It's thinking about your legacy. That's where the soul is. The body's got a whole different program.
If you look good, you will see this struggle not only in ourselves but in many people around us. You'll see it sometimes. You see a person do something silly, even something like waking up late. You know how bad they feel? You think a guy wakes up late at twelve o'clock, one o'clock, two o'clock—do you think he feels good? The guy feels terrible. Of course he's not going to get up and announce it. He feels terrible, and you can see the terrible feelings come out in different ways. He could be edgy, he could be angry, he could be annoyed easily. What happens? You slept for fifteen hours. What's the problem? You should feel great. But there's a part of him that feels very, very guilty and very bad.
Where does guilt come from? Why should a person who does something enjoyable for his body feel bad? Where does the bad feeling come from? That's the soul crying. The neshama of the person says, “You shouldn't have done that. Why did you take that? It's not yours. It doesn't belong to you. Why did you say that? You just hurt that person,” and on and on and on.
It's obvious that we have two voices, two powerful voices inside us that play a role in so many decisions in our lives, especially the meaningful ones, the important ones. That's where you find the biggest battle. If you're choosing between pasta and pizza and they're both healthy for you, the soul doesn't really care what you eat. But with anything of substance, of meaning, something that's lasting, you're going to have this conflict.
So most people are not living with shalom with themselves. And if a person isn't living with shalom within themselves, it's very hard to believe they're going to be able to live with shalom with others. A country that has a civil war has very little chance of winning a war against another country. You can't have a civil war and fight a country coming from the outside. To fight the outside, you first have to have shalom inside your own country. How can a person who doesn't have shalom within himself expect to have shalom with his wife, his children, his partners, his friends, his neighbors? It's not so possible. It's not so plausible to even think that can happen.
That's why the first place to build shalom is within the person. That's why we, Am Yisrael, when we see another person, greet them by saying Shalom Aleichem, “peace be upon you.” Shalom Aleichem, I bless you. Not that you should have shalom in your life—of course that's the ultimate blessing—but we're actually more focused than that. Shalom Aleichem, “I wish peace upon you,” literally means you should be a peaceful person yourself, because from that shalom will stem many beautiful relationships of shalom.
So that is the key. The key to shalom begins inside the person. A person might ask, “If this is the reality within me, how in the world is it possible to make shalom between two opposing forces like the body and the soul? They're clearly not from the same place, and they have different goals, which is really grounds for divorce.” At some point, if you were a rabbi or a lawyer and you had a couple—one called the body and the other called the soul—and they came to you for advice and told you their situation, each one telling you what its goals are and where it comes from, you would say it's a no-brainer: give or get (Jewish divorce document) today. Don't wait till tomorrow. There's no chance that such different creations can ever come together and see eye to eye. It's not possible.
You think a man and a woman are different? At least they're born in the same world. At least they share many things in common. But what do the soul and the body share in common? Whatever you say about the body, the soul is the opposite. We gave a few examples, but there are many more. So where do we even start? One is physical, one is spiritual, and just keep going. How in the world can you make shalom bayit (peace in the home) between such opposite forces?
So in our world, we would say this is grounds for divorce, and we wouldn't even feel bad about it. Obvious. But obviously there has to be a way. It cannot be that the Creator would make two parts of me and make it impossible to have shalom, and then expect me to have shalom with other people too. Not possible. So there has to be a solution. I'm just saying I don't necessarily know the answer. We're going to try to get to the answer today, but even if you don't know the answer, you know there has to be an answer. Sometimes, between a couple, maybe there's no answer. Maybe they just found the wrong person. That's it. What are you gonna do? But in this situation, it can't be. There has to be an answer. When there has to be an answer, you work harder to try to figure it out. This isn't one of those possibilities where you say, “Well, maybe they're not for each other.” It can't be. There has to be an answer. So we must use our brains to figure out what the answer is. How do these two opposites live in peace?
Again, remember what peace means. It doesn't even mean that they're not going to fight with each other. Shalom, shalem. That means somehow we have to get the body and the soul to help each other, because that's what shalom means. That means the body is going to help the soul become more complete, and the soul is going to help the body become more complete. Now, how are you going to figure this out? But the bottom line is, you must figure it out, and there has to be an answer, because otherwise there'd be no way to survive this world in the way that the Creator desires and wants for us.
So what is the answer? If we worked and worked and worked and worked, we would realize that the answer is actually very, very simple and obvious. It's obvious, but you have to think a lot. By the end, you'll see it's an obvious answer.
Number one, the human soul, the neshama of the person, will never give in, ever, to the body. Which means, let's say you take a guy who's thirteen years old. He decides, “I identify as a body. I don't know my soul. I don't care about my soul. This other voice that's talking to me, I don't know where it's coming from. Some external interference. Not interested.” So he makes every decision following his body, not his soul. Just imagine what kind of guy this guy will be. He eats whatever he wants, he goes wherever he wants, he does whatever he wants, he drinks whatever he wants, he gambles whatever he wants. Whatever comes his way, there are no spiritual rules. There's no stealing, no overeating, no oversleeping, no unhealthy things, no unhealthy relationships. There's no “don't say that,” no “don't hear that,” no “don't watch that.” No spiritual influence. The guy is just following the body. Just imagine what that recipe makes. That's what it would be if a person drowned out his soul completely.
So what would happen? What would the soul do? Would it say, “Forget it, guys, forget it”? There's no way this person is going to sign on to what I have to offer. Does the soul say, “You know what? I give in. I give up. I'll just go your way. Let's make shalom. Let's do it your way”? Because in this relationship, you're either going to have to follow the soul or the body, because their paths are quite different. One is headed north, one is headed south, so it's not possible to meet somewhere in the middle. Someone is going to have to lead.
That's why our rabbis say such beautiful words. When you think about these words, they light up. Our rabbis tell us that great people are the ones who talk to their body, while failures let their body talk to them. What are they trying to say? What are they saying? Great people talk to their body, and failures have their body talk to them. What are they trying to tell you? They're trying to tell you there's two paths in life. Either your soul is the leader or your body is the leader. Either your body is leading and telling you what to do, or your soul is leading and telling your body what to do. It's very simple.
But one thing you should know is that the soul will never make shalom with the body, ever. Which means here's a guy doing everything he wants in the physical world. His soul isn't going to give up. You will see the soul, for example, make the guy feel guilty, feel bad, not happy, lacking simcha (joy). He feels empty, all these types of feelings—frustrated, unaccomplished. He's doing everything he wants physically. It should be a home run. He's doing great. What's the problem? Why are you feeling bad? You just did everything you wanted. It was the night of your life. You had a great night. You went, you ate, you did, you go. What's the problem? Why do you wake up in the morning and not feel good? What don't you feel good about? The soul is saying, “I'm not signing on to this program. I'm never going to sign on to your program. I'm a prisoner. I'm going along. I have no choice, but I'm gonna make sure you know about it,” and you get these terrible feelings. They call them depression. They have all different names for them. Whatever their names are, it's all the soul saying, “I'm not buying in.”
So you're going to feel empty, sad, depressed, all these feelings that have many, many terms in the world of science and the world of medicine. It's a soul that says, “I'm not giving in to this lifestyle. You're forcing me to come along. I have no choice, but I'm not buying in.” That's a fact of life.
The only solution is to allow the soul to be the leader. And if you tell me, “Okay, so now the soul is leading. Now the body's gonna fight the same way the soul is fighting when the body is leading. The body's gonna fight when the soul is leading. What do we gain? We're still at war. Okay, now you have a better leader, but you still fight. A war is a war no matter who's leading.”
Now here's the chiddush, the obvious chiddush. If a person studies the world and studies themselves, they'll see it's an obvious chiddush: the body has been built by the Creator in a way that, at some point, not only does it make itself part of what the soul is trying to do, but at some point it'll be b'shalom (in peace) with it too. Meaning, shalom means the body will not just give up. Shalom is more. Remember, we learned that shalom means it will work to complete the soul. What does it mean that the body makes shalom with the neshama? What does that mean? It means it starts to help the neshama.
I'll give you an example. It's a very simple example. It's a great example to use because it's very real and very close to home for many people. A person who isn't fit, healthy, eating right, or exercising looks unhealthy. He feels unhealthy. But what should he do? That's how he lives. That's the way he lives his life. Of course, he's paying the price. He can't walk so well. He gets tired very quickly. He doesn't move very fast. So here he is, coming out of shul, this overweight person, very slow to move and exhausted just getting to his car, which is right across the street. As he finally gets to his car, unable to wait to sit down, he sees his old friend from high school. While he's wearing his coat, hat, and earmuffs and freezing as he tries to get into his car and finally take a little rest from the hundred-foot walk he had, he sees his old high school friend in a tank top and shorts, gliding on Ocean Parkway. He can't believe it. He looks at the guy, then at himself. Something's wrong. His soul says to him, “Hello, wake up. Look at you. You're a mess. Look at that guy. You need to be healthy.”
So it was a very big hit for him. He decided right there on the spot. He got inspired. “You see, that's it. I'm gonna change my ways. I'm gonna start eating healthy. I'm gonna start exercising every day. I'm gonna get a trainer, gonna buy machines, gonna get clothing. That's it. If I'm gonna do something, I'm gonna do it right.” And he starts. He calls his wife. She almost faints when she hears that he's looking to upgrade his physical reality, but she knows the reality. It's probably not going to last that long anyway. He doesn't get too excited. He's been there before. Anyway, he looks serious this time, and he starts. He calls up his friends. “Tell me, who is the best trainer?” His friend tells him, “Listen, there's a guy. He's not the best, but he's good.” “No, no, no. I need the best. I'm not doing this any other way.” He gets the best trainer, orders the machines, cleans out his basement, and he's all ready for his first session. He's all excited. By the time his body actually goes to the session, it's a big fight.
So he's all excited to go. At 7 p.m., he's home from work and going straight to the gym. At 6:30, he's already dreading this whole thing. He's tired, he's not interested, he just wants to eat and sit on the couch like he normally does. But he has enough stamina to fight. The soul is saying, “Come on,” and showing him the picture of his friend. He's too embarrassed not to follow through with all the phone calls he made, so he goes, and the whole thing is exhausting. Being there, he's dreading every minute. He's thinking, “There has to be an easier way. Maybe there's some sort of needle I can get. Maybe, who knows? Is there some pill? There's got to be an easier way to look like that guy than this.” But what should he do? He's committed. He goes for an hour and a half. The trainer is working. He's like working with rocks, and finally the session is over, and he actually feels a little accomplished. It wasn't easy, but he feels like he did something. He sees sweat on his body for the first time in a long time. He feels like there's movement somewhere inside. “Okay. Baruch Hashem. Day one. Check.”
He goes home. He's exhausted. Morning comes. Forget about it. The guy can't move. Every muscle in his body is heavy, stuck. I don't know what the right word is. He can't move. That's his body saying, “Are you sure you want this? This is not for me. The couch is so much more comfortable. What are you doing?” The body isn't interested in this movement, in this work. The body is resisting both the desire to relax and the physical activity.
The next night, if he gives up, the body wins. He's back on his couch, like most people do. But if he keeps going the second night, the third night, the fourth night, he's got to push himself every night, because every night he wants to give up. That's the way it is. The body keeps fighting. If he keeps fighting for a week, for a month, for two months, three months, you know what happens? Something unbelievable happens. At some point, the body becomes one of the parties that needs this. It's amazing. People who exercise every day, if they stop for one day, the body says, “Hey, what are you doing? What happened? How come you're not working out today?” Your body feels it and will tell you about it. How did this happen? The same body I didn't want to start with, the same body that was sore, the same body I said, “You don't need this”—all of a sudden, your body says, “I need this. I like this. I want this.” The body is able to be the servant of the soul and make shalom with the soul. Not at first. There's going to be a little resistance.
I gave you an exercise example so it could be understood by all people, because probably most people have had such an experience. But this applies to all spiritual upgrades in life. A guy starts learning. He's excited. He starts. His body's fighting him. “Don't go. Don't do this. What do you need this headache for? It's hard to learn. It's hard to understand. It's taxing on your brain.” It's fighting you in many ways, and that's why many people give up. But if the soul continues and continues, you know what happens? At some point your body says, “Come on, let's go. We need to learn something.” The same is true of learning, tefillah (prayer), going to shul, doing mitzvot (commandments), kindness, everything.
The beauty of this relationship is that the body can become a servant of the soul and an assistant to the soul and make shalom with the soul, and that is what we call Shalom Aleichem. Shalom Aleichem is when you have inner shalom, when your two parts are working to help each other. Such a person has unbelievable peace of mind. Such a person has a sense of belonging in this world and a relaxed temperament that can make all the right decisions. Such a person is ready to make shalom with all the people outside of himself, because he is a person of shalom. He is a person who represents shalom with himself, and he just continues and applies that to all the relationships in his life.
Inner peace is the victory of the soul leading the body. It's not going to be easy. You're going to have a little—you’re going to have a little bit of resistance. You have to tell your body, “Come on, you can do it. Don't worry. Remember what that guy looked like. You can do a little more. Push yourself.” You have to remind your body why you're doing what you're doing. “Come on, we have big things to accomplish here. We have a lot to learn. We have a lot to do. There's a future here. There's a great family that we want to raise. There's a lot. Come on, push, push.” That's what you have to do at the beginning of any new thing that you take on that your body isn't used to. Just keep pushing, keep pushing. At some point, you have inner peace. That is the victory of the neshama over the guf (body), and that's what an Eshet Chayil needs first and foremost, especially if she can get it early on in her life.
The whole preparation of 20 years before marriage, or however many years, is the preparation of the inner peace of the person. If a person has built that leadership of the soul, they are ready. They are ready for the shalom that will exist outside themselves, and that's where an Eshet Chayil gets her shalom energy from: from within herself. That's why it's so important for a woman to be focused on the values, on the proper values of life, because the values of life come from the soul. There are so many things that a great woman needs to allow to lead her life. That's what's happening. It's more than just doing the right thing. It's more than that. Doing the right thing in life is right because it's right. But for a young person, a young lady, doing the right things is more than just doing them because you're going to get a reward. It's more than that. It's building your inner peace, and that inner peace will translate into a peaceful home, a shalom home, which will translate into huge accomplishments.
We have no idea what we're accomplishing when our young women are focused on their souls. It's not just, “Oh, they're religious.” It's not just that. Not that that's not enough. But it's not just that. It's not just, “Oh, they're more God-fearing. Oh, they are connected to Torah and mitzvot.” It's much more than that. It's building their inner shalom, which will build the shalom of their future. Such a powerful thing that a person needs to remember for himself and for the important people in his life—his wife, his children, his daughters. Again, all people need this. It's not only for women, but the Eshet Chayil, who's the general of shalom, desperately needs this in her life. And when she gets it, you will see tremendous perot (fruits) and tremendous outcomes in all the important relationships in her life. That is the building block of shalom bayit. Shalom Aleichem. Shalom upon you. Have a wonderful day.