Welcome back to Torah Tuesday. Nice to see some of you again, and some of us joining us for the first time today. We have a small session on Hilchot (laws) of proper speech: what is correct to say and what is incorrect to say. Today we will reach the final two negative commandments, which the Chafetz Chaim, in his introduction, warns can be violated when somebody speaks negatively or causes harm to another person through speech. That's called Lashon Hara (negative speech).
There's a classic case that happens all the time. Most people would not even consider it something so serious. Let's put it in modern terms: office practice, politics. But it could be with any group where there's some competition, some pay scales, or some levels of honor, and finding favor with the powers that be is important. Today, there's even a culture of wanting to be liked. You know this: you have likes; people approve of you or follow you. This approach, this approval, this desire for approval creates a dangerous situation when it comes to Hilchot Lashon Hara.
Let's say there are a few employees speaking with the boss, manager, or department head present, and someone mentions another person in the office, the business, or whatever the social setting is. It could be in a school, at home, or in a shul (synagogue), where the person in power—the boss, manager, or rabbi—happens not to particularly like the person being mentioned. Whatever the reason is, it is not important. It could be personal reasons, business reasons, just Kavod (honor) reasons, or something in the past. Here's where the danger comes in: one of the employees who wants to win over or get the boss's approval says something critical about the other person.
The Chafetz Chaim sees this in his introduction to Mitzvot Lo Ta'aseh (negative commandments) 16 and 17. It's a dangerous situation because it derives from something called Chanufah. Chanufah is flattery, and we're flattering in order to get approval for ourselves from someone in power. What should be said? He says, “Well, you know, this guy didn't produce. It's not the first time.” And so along comes one of the listeners—that could be me—and I pile on: “Not only that, you know what he did to me. Not only that, he's always like that. Not only that, not only that, but I call it...” Not only that, but it's just adding fuel to the fire. Adding fuel to the fire is as if you created the fire yourself. It's Lashon Hara.
Instead of fueling the fire, what should a person do? The person should have tried to diffuse the original statement. If the boss said, “This guy never gets it right,” or “This guy never finishes a project on time,” or “This guy never meets his sales quota,” the person should say something positive about him: “That may not be his strength, but what about this?” Or even deny that it's true and say that it's not really what's going on; it's a different situation. Instead of fueling the fire, the Chafetz Chaim says, he should have reminded the boss or the manager or the rabbi of one of the good points of the person. Maybe your competitor. Maybe your co-worker. But instead of helping, you deepened the rift between the powers that be and the victim of your speech. The Chafetz Chaim points out that flattery is a source of Lashon Hara, not only in those situations, but always.
People can be involved in a negative conversation. You could be riding in a car, sitting around on the porch, or playing ball, and then somebody starts a negative conversation about another person. You don't speak, you don't say a word, and you don't contribute a chidush (novel insight), but you sort of nod as if you understand. You sort of put on a face that represents approval: “I really approve of this person's comment. It's really true about that other person.” That, without saying anything, is counterintuitive. It's like condoning the Lashon Hara of another and adding to it. Why does a person do that? Because the person wants to feel liked and accepted by the other people. He wants the approval of the group. Sound familiar? It's a basic weakness in a human being to need the approval of others.
According to certain researches, it says in the Pasuk (verse), Lo Tachanifu et ha'aretz: “Don't fill the land with flattery. Don't bring guilt of flattery to the land.” It's in Bamidbar Lamed Hei. So, in a case where a person is sitting in a group and hears Lashon Hara, there are requirements. There are behavior patterns that are expected. Number one: the person should come to the defense of the accused and attempt to stop the negative talk about the victim. It's difficult. You have to face disapproval. You may have to face people making fun of you. But that's your first requirement. At the very least, a person has to work on refraining from doing anything that might increase the Lashon Hara through words, facial expressions, or comments that would increase the group's negative speech.
You have to come to the defense. If you can't do that, you should limit the amount of Lashon Hara being spoken. If the listener, says the Chafetz Chaim, just refrains from offering a defense, he's guilty of an element of Lo Tachanifu: don't flatter. The motivation for refraining from objecting is to avoid saying something that would cause him to lose favor with his friends. Nobody likes to be left out. Nobody likes to be told, “Eh, what do you know?” Nobody likes to feel that what they did or said removed them from a group they'd like to be part of.
We have Mitzvot Aseh (positive commandments), and he starts the Mitzvot Aseh with a very important one. It's called... The Chafetz Chaim states: when a person speaks Lashon Hara, he violates... Why? How would you like to be the victim of negative speech? Even true speech. Even something that you realize you did was wrong, or some weakness you have that is valid. But how would you like everybody spreading it all over town? Wouldn't you like a chance to work on yourself and maybe overcome this weakness? Wouldn't you like to hide the transgressions you've made?
Modeh v'Ozev Yerucham is between you and Hashem: the one who admits and stops doing something is considered a Baal Teshuvah. That's Modeh v'Ozev Yerucham. That's Modeh v'Ozev Yerucham. That's between you and Hashem. When it comes to other people, unless your Teshuvah (repentance) will prompt people to their Teshuvah, why are you talking about it? Are you bragging that you're violating? In other words, we do have limits on how we feel about ourselves in relation to others. And the Chafetz Chaim says that if somebody could speak about another person, that means they're violating the way they would treat themselves. It's a good yardstick.
As Rabbi Akiva said, he said it backwards. He said it in the negative: “What you don't like done to you, don't do to anybody else.” So it becomes an issue of what you would not like said about you and how you would like to be treated verbally by others. Praise, okay. Flattery, not so important. But negative factors in my life, not being spread all over town, not being told to others who might not know, who might not associate with me. And, going back to our original point, I don't want anything to hurt my acceptability to others as part of a society, a group, a class in school, a group in shul, or a business group. For sure, I don't want anybody to do anything to hurt that.
So what we do is avoid adding to the fire. We avoid showing approval. We also avoid statements that add fuel to the fire. We should work on doing things that defuse and extinguish a spark before it becomes a flame. And if it's a flame, put out the fire.