Good morning. Torah Tuesday continues. We welcome you back on this glorious day. A calendar was developed in Manchester, England, by Rav Segal. It lays out daily learning of the Sefer Chafetz Chaim in small portions, giving you a chance to go through the entire Sefer in four months. That means if you start the cycle when they did, on Rosh Hashanah, you finish the first cycle on the last day of Tevet and start the second cycle on the first day of Shevat. Then four months later, the same thing happens, and you finish on the last day of Elul (Hebrew month) again, completing the Sefer three times in one year. A new calendar was developed just this year that breaks it down a little more slowly, with a little less per day, so you can learn a little more in depth or review. That particular calendar is once a year. Tomorrow night is Rosh Chodesh Shevat. Rosh Chodesh Shevat is a new moon for the month of Shevat. Then comes Adar, then comes Nisan. We're approaching Purim and Pesach. We leave the dark days of Tevet. And the world, regardless of what you and I are doing, begins a new cycle of learning Sefer Chafetz Chaim.
As we look at the Sefer today, we're at a certain point in the book. The first half, or the first bulk of it, is Hilchot Lashon Hara, forbidden speech. The second portion of the Sefer is Hilchot Rechilut, tail-bearing, or carrying gossip from one place to another, which is also forbidden. Many of the laws are identical to Lashon Hara, some have slight variances, and some are totally new. When he finishes off the Sefer, he has a section called Shemirat HaLashon in Shidduchim (marriage matches). Chafetz Chaim himself realized that the personal information and the way people go about finding out information about a prospective mate for their child, their sibling, or a friend involve a lot of traps and pitfalls. There is always a possibility of Lashon Hara and Rechilut and all the others. But there is a to'elet, a constructive purpose. You want to get somebody married—two people, actually—and you want to make sure it's going to be successful regarding good health, good Midot (character traits), and the ability to join a good family. So the pitfalls are many. So to'elet is, one of the best. He's the one that can construct the purpose.
Let's say, for example, we'll just use one today. In any marriage, each of the parties needs to adjust to the other person. And although this is a perfect dream, Baruch Hashem (Blessed is God), we have the Zechut (merit) to stand at the chuppah (wedding canopy) many nights in our community and look at these two, hopeful and certain that they made the right choice and that they are going to be the best couple. And that's the right choice: people think that the person facing them is the right choice. When he says and gives over the item of value to confirm the marriage, there is a smile on her face, a look in her eyes. He also looks like, "I've got the perfect person." But marriage is a wake-up call to reality. If you're a person, you're not perfect. That's one of the qualifications of being human. As we say, some people make a mistake and say, "But I'm only human. I'm only human." Oh, you're only human, right? If you're only human, then I can guarantee you one thing: you have flaws. So now each of the parties needs to adjust to the other's flaws and limitations.
As someone speaking on behalf of one of the two people, how much you reveal depends on the severity of the flaw you might be aware of. There are things called major flaws: a serious disease, a horrible temper to the point of violence. There are many flaws that are major. The Chafetz Chaim calls them an absolute flaw. It's not subject to opinion. It's a flaw that is likely to undermine the success of marriage, and this, unfortunately, is an objective assessment. Most people would not tolerate such a flaw in their mate. Sometimes the level of severity is subjective, meaning it bothers me more than you or the prospective spouse more than others.
Under the following circumstances, an individual's defect qualifies as an objective major flaw. One, the flaw will prevent the subject from being a spouse or a parent, like he can't make a living or she can't manage a house or deal with children. B, living together with someone who has such a flaw could be very oppressive. That would be what we mentioned already: a horrible temper, being grossly irresponsible, or maybe selfish. Marriage is a sharing opportunity. It's a generosity position. C, the flaw is defined halachically (according to halacha) as being unacceptable, meaning that if the flaw were discovered after the wedding, the spouse would have the right to nullify the marriage. This is a very serious problem, and it's a very serious type of flaw that, whenever it comes to light, could unlike going be grounds for divorce. That could be an intolerable physical defect. A man gets married and finds out that the other side already knew that this young lady, lo aleinu (God forbid), cannot have children. Why is he getting married? That's called intolerable, although I've heard, and I've been in meetings where somebody might say, "I don't care. I want to be married to this person." That's a very rare exception. D, where the Chachamim (sages) advise a person not to get involved in such a marriage. That would be, for example, if there's a significant disease that runs in the family; that could be grounds for what we call mum gamur. It's a real flaw. Certain people have mental disabilities that run in the family. Some have physical difficulties that run in the family. And any member of that family is suspect to those types of flaws.
Now, those are the major flaws. What are called subjective flaws are subjective major flaws. A person has a shortcoming, but objectively speaking, it's not enough to cancel a Shidduch (marriage match). Marrying someone with that trait is going to cause anguish. So it does qualify as a major flaw, but it's not terminating. Let's look at the following situations. Somebody's raised with abusive parents. Because of the scars of such a home, this girl is easily upset, easily loses it, even with the slightest intimidation, and minor threats to her are major. So if someone suggests she meet this man, and you know he's not beating people, but he's mildly abusive. He's tough. His offensive nature is not bad enough to disqualify him from marriage as a general principle. But for this girl, that would be a problem. At that point in time, it's important to reveal to somebody involved with the Shidduch that this situation exists. These types of flaws and these types of laws, especially when it comes to Shidduch, are not bad enough to disqualify him from marriage. Shidduchim are make it or break it. And sometimes going forward and hiding these flaws is worse than revealing the flaw. A person needs the advice of a competent Rabbi who understands these situations and is not biased with the families involved to help a person decide, should I say something or not?
We hope next week to continue our study of proper speech, but not in this cycle of Chafetz Chaim. Baruch Hashem. We've gone as far as we can in cycle number one for Taf Shin Peh Heh.