This is our Lashon HaTov, Shemirat HaLashon session. Basically, we spend a few minutes each week finding out what Chafetz Chaim told us in his life-changing sefer, Sefer Chafetz Chaim. It is so life-changing that, although all his other works are so great, awesome, and numerous, he is known as the Chafetz Chaim.
We base this on the pasuk (verse): “Mi ha'ish, who is the man, hechafetz chaim, who wants life? Lirot (to see), and Netzor leshonecha meira, ‘guard your tongue from evil.’” We skip the middle of the pasuk. We’ve learned a lot about Lashon HaRa over the last several years. One is that Lashon HaRa is true. Two, Lashon HaRa is immoral. Lashon HaRa is a negative statement or a harmful statement about another person. And we even have Avak Lashon HaRa, where you could say something in a way that could be taken as a positive statement, but it might have a negative effect.
So let’s take a look today, because Lashon HaRa is based on the speaker. Besides the speaker, we have the subject, the victim, and then we have the listener. All are affected by this form of speech. It’s strange to bring up something that should be obvious, and yet most people might even wonder if it’s true.
In Chelek, Klal Chet, the eighth section of Sefer Chafetz Chaim, the Chafetz Chaim focuses on a subject at the very beginning. He discusses the subject. He says there are different people involved in Lashon HaRa, and, contrary to popular belief, he brings out that one is not allowed to speak Lashon HaRa about family members or relatives. That includes my wife, my husband, my son, my daughter, and my mother-in-law. So this section is telling us that if the person is a Jew and the statement qualifies as Lashon HaRa, they’re no different from anybody else. You can’t speak about them—not about their cooking, their habits, or how they spend their time. If it can be taken negatively or might impact them negatively, like by ruining a relationship with a partner, a possible spouse, a community member, or an organization, then it’s Lashon HaRa. It can cause harm, be taken negatively, ruin a reputation, or cause financial damage, even if it happens to be about somebody very near and dear to you. Basically, what he’s telling us is, don’t hang out your dirty laundry. In fact, even opinions are not permitted by Halacha (Jewish law).
Let’s say, for example, that I ask a good question: What do I do if a relative, a family member, my brother, or my wife does something wrong, and I want to help fix the situation? It’s a very commendable attitude, but you have to be careful how you do it. There are times when issues may be discussed, and that’s called, as we’ve learned so many times before, to'eles (for constructive purpose). Sometimes you want to talk to the rabbi about it. Sometimes you want to talk to a counselor about it, or somebody who might have an influence on that person or might give you an idea of how to handle it. But even if someone you know has done something wrong, and even if you want to help the situation—not be vicious or wicked, or bring up something that would harm their reputation—this is still Lashon HaRa. As we’ll learn again soon, because I like to always review it, there are seven conditions necessary for a person to speak for benefit, for constructive purpose. But you must fulfill all seven before you reach the point of actually speaking.
Now, let’s take two brothers or two siblings. Siblings have sibling rivalry. There can be no personal input or personal feelings involved in the conversation. It can’t be because I want to get him back. It can’t be because I don’t like him because he always does this. It has to be for the sake of the person you’re speaking about; you want to treat it in a way that will bring to'eles. Those are only two of the conditions. You have to limit how much you talk about it and limit the details. And you have to know firsthand what you’re talking about. And so you see that people discussing family members very often hear a rumor, or hear that something was done by somebody. Spreading the story is not permitted unless it’s to help. And if it’s to help, the following conditions apply.
Now, what about children? Speaking derogatorily about a child is still Lashon HaRa. Adults sometimes feel, “Kids are kids.” So if I say, “Oh, you know what he did? He did this, he did that,” it’s not a positive behavior pattern or an action considered positive. But you figure people are going to laugh it off because, well, they’re going to shrug it off. It’s not going to affect him negatively because he’s only a kid. But the fact of the matter is, information might cast a child in a bad light and affect who ends up being his friend, where he gets invited, and what school he attends. And as he grows, there are some people who don’t forget the past and consider failing math in the third grade to be crucial to a person’s success. So you have to watch what you spread. It may not be derogatory, but it may be harmful. Sometimes they say things in front of parents. And even though it’s not really derogatory and is common among children, it may make the parents feel differently about the child. The care that’s given may be affected. And if it’s foster parents, for sure: “It’s not mine; it’s adopted. It’s foster. I’m taking care. Why should I bother? Look, it’s not really worth it.” Therefore, someone should be very cautious before speaking about a child.
Now, parents and teachers have to be careful about discipline, and they have to be on watch to take care of their children and protect them from negative influences or bad friends. But you know something? What are you acting upon? What’s the source of the information? How valid is the information? How accurate is it? Did you check, or did somebody say something, or did a teacher call, or did a classmate report it? So I think when it comes to children, more than adults, what you seem to think is an innocuous statement, or just casual talk, may be life-changing.
Rav Pam, alav hashalom (may peace be upon him), tells the story of a young child who was punished when an item was found in his knapsack. Some student in the school was missing something, and a search revealed that it was in, let’s say, Yosef’s or Yitzchak’s knapsack, his school bag. When confronted, he said, “I don’t know how it got there. I never saw it before. I never touched it before. I didn’t go home yet, so I didn’t see it. And if I had seen it, I would have brought it back and told people, ‘I don’t know what this is, but it belongs to somebody. Let’s find out who owns it.’” And yet the principal, based on the report, decided to punish the child. This is not my type of principal. It’s probably not your type, either. But he took a little rope, attached a paper, and made the child wear it. The paper said, “I am a thief.”
Not long after that horrible day in this boy’s life, children went home and told their mother about this boy, what he had done as verified by the principal, and the sign around his neck. Another boy who felt guilty came and reported that he had taken it from the rightful owner. He didn’t want to give it back because he was embarrassed. So he got rid of it by placing it in the backpack that wasn’t his. An innocent child was humiliated. An innocent child’s reputation was ruined. And the teacher—or the one who accepted the evidence and reported it to the principal—really never checked out the story.
It’s funny. I’m in school every day, and things happen. Sometimes I’m gratified to know that the principals, who are in charge of discipline, are so often approached with information. And Baruch Hashem (Blessed is Hashem), I don’t know about anywhere else, but at Ahiezer, we first investigate the story for validity, accuracy, and degree before we confront, discipline, or demand remedial action. It’s very easy to be wrong, and spreading something without accuracy, or dealing with it without accuracy, is a definite case of Lashon HaRa, even though the victim is a child.