Good morning again. Welcome to Torah Tuesday, our session on proper speech. A person has an obligation to rebuke any wrongdoing and anyone violating Torah laws. It's called tochacha (to rebuke), tochiach et amitecha (You shall rebuke your fellow). You have an obligation to tell somebody, let's say, not to talk during Kaddish (sanctification prayer). Or if you see somebody doing something wrong regarding diet or eating, you tell them, “Listen, you're not allowed to do that.” Or even bein adam la-chaveiro (between one person and another): if something was wrong, a well-meaning person is permitted—in fact, obligated—to correct that behavior. Now, the Chafetz Chaim stresses that a person must be careful not to yell at anybody, but to speak gently, with respect. Maybe you don't know the law; maybe you aren't paying attention; maybe it's a slip; maybe, “I never saw you do it before.” Some way of making it more palatable and more acceptable to the person being criticized. You know, when you criticize somebody, a defense system goes up, and that defense system can prevent you from achieving what you'd like to achieve, which is to get them to correct this behavior, this behavior pattern or this single-time behavior, and not do it again. So that's a normal case. I have a friend who does something, a neighbor who does something, or a co-worker, and I feel that if I tell them they're a well-meaning, good person, then they'll change.
What about, however, the case where, as the Chafetz Chaim says, you're fairly certain that the person who needs rebuke will not accept rebuke, will not change because of your rebuke, and will reject it? This is a problem we have with many of what we call tough characters, or people who think, “Don't go overboard,” or who don't like to be corrected. The Chafetz Chaim realizes this is not so uncommon. A good, well-meaning person who wants to correct somebody may feel, “There's nothing I could say, there's nothing I could do. This is how he is, this is how she is, and I don't want to create a problem for myself. I don't want to have animosity; I don't have bad feelings. But if I speak to them, it's not going to really change anything.” If you're fairly certain, the Chafetz Chaim gives you the proper way to react: find another person to tell. In some cases, it could be the person's rabbi or teacher. In other cases, it could be a pastor, a parent, a sibling, or perhaps a best friend—somebody they're more likely to listen to. Then you are permitted, even though it is Lashon Hara, because you're saying something's bad or something's wrong, to speak to that other individual.
Now, this is not a blanket heter, a blanket leniency and permissiveness from the Torah, to allow you to speak about somebody. That's not true. You have to follow certain guidelines, and those guidelines include that the person you're speaking to has to know you. That person has to be somebody who trusts you and will believe the report because it's coming from you. The second condition is that the information has to be given over in a sensitive manner. For example, you don't say, “What a bad guy, look what he did.” Everybody knows you're not allowed to do that. You can't do that. You could say, “I don't know how to handle this, so maybe you can handle it better than I can. Our mutual friend, party A, did such and such a thing, and I feel that if I tell him, he'll only get defensive. I tell him he won't listen, and I tell him he won't stop. But I thought maybe he's a little closer to you and he respects you more, and perhaps you could let him know. I don't think he meant it; I don't think he realized that he did it.” Make it sensitive. Make it so that you're not out-and-out blackballing, debasing, or degrading the person.
Third, the person you're speaking to has to be well chosen. They must be someone you trust who will handle the matter discreetly. They'll keep it private. They won't gang up on him. They won't get other people to do it. It should be as discreet as possible. I mean, there's a certain amount of knowledge you have to have. You say, “Where'd you get it? How'd you find out?” I don't know what could make it more, but discretion on the part of the person you're choosing is very important. In other words, it can't be a cause célèbre. It can't become public knowledge because you told him. Now, once these three conditions are studied and met, you still should go to a rabbi. You should go to a rabbi you trust who knows the law—not just a friend who happens to be a rabbi, and not a brother or cousin who happens to be a rabbi. Somebody who knows how to be a posek (halachic decisor) and/or deals with a lot of people's problems. Ask for advice: Did I choose the right person? What am I allowed to say and not allowed to say? Etc. This is to fine-tune this permissiveness of the Torah to allow you to say it, but to minimize the publicity and the negative feeling.
So, from these laws, we come up with an attitude regarding the feelings of all people. Now, this person you're talking about is obviously doing wrong or sinning. And that puts him in a category apart from where you would like to be, or how you really are. We're dealing with a person who has done something b'mezid, intentionally, and is also not receptive to criticism; otherwise, you probably would have told him. Nevertheless, we see that the Torah's attitude is to be very, very sensitive to protecting that person's overall reputation long-term. To the point that if you can't do it in a discreet way, and you can't get it done without making it public knowledge, then don't do it. So the underlying message is that Jews are responsible: we're all guarantors, we're all co-signers, we all work, we're all in this together. We're all together; we all serve Hashem together. And therefore, if somebody's not living up to the standard, we have to correct. We do have to correct. But we have to be concerned as well when another Jew sins. At the same time, we have to be equally concerned with protecting the person's feelings, reputation, dignity, and good name. Yes, they did something wrong; they may have done it intentionally; they may have been overcome by the Yetzer Hara (evil inclination); it may not be only a one-time thing. But still, you, as the observer, have an obligation to correct, but not to kill.
From these laws, a whole series of which appears in Sefer Chafetz Chaim, we have to learn in general to be extremely sensitive to the feelings of every single Yehudi (Jew). We also have to be sensitive to the long-range effects of what we're doing. We can't tarnish a person's reputation to the point where the image changes in the eyes of the general public. It may prevent a business deal; it may prevent a shidduch, a marriage; it may prevent somebody from getting the proper education or being accepted by a school. But by treating each other with a certain amount of respect, sensitivity, and ahava, love, we can not only fortify interpersonal relationships, but do it in the way that the Torah expects us to, without really killing the perpetrator.
Now, in another piece by the Chafetz Chaim, in Klal Vav, the sixth chapter, Halacha (law) 9 and 10, we've been learning about not believing Lashon Hara. Now, even though I hear it and it sounds logical, I'm not supposed to say it's true. First of all, even if it is true, it's Lashon Hara. If it's not true, it's slander. He says it applies to any information that we're forbidden to repeat. For example, if we were to hear that the father of a respected community member had a somewhat controversial past, if we want to be kind, we're not permitted to believe it. We're also not permitted to believe that somebody is not smart or that they're physically weak. We're not allowed to believe that. Now, I'm not talking about a person who might have a disease or something that might affect whether you want to marry them. We're supposed to somehow reveal it. That's called constructive. But there are sensitivities involved in how far to go. To believe it without checking it out is asur (not permitted). The fact that you're hearing it for the first time, that you're hearing it from a reliable person, and that you're hearing it no matter what—you can't believe it.
So he comes up with a balance. He tells us that if, for a constructive purpose, I have to tell it over to prevent a bad partnership or a bad marriage or something like that, or a bad hire in a business, I have to do it by first checking out the facts, seeing that what I'm hearing is legitimate, and finding out whether it's true or not, because I personally am not allowed to believe it. Because you're not allowed to accept Lashon Hara. Similarly, if a person hears that a storekeeper is not honest and wants to protect other people, he can protect himself, but he may not attempt to harm the person's reputation based on this information. It must be checked out. Whether he can even warn others is a very sensitive subject. It's a different paragraph in the sefer. You can't even change the way you treat that person when you see them. “Supposed to have done this, he didn't. I can't believe it. How does anybody do that?” But when I see him, if I believe it, I can't look at him anymore. If I believe it, I treat him differently. If I believe it, I talk to him differently. Well, you know something? You're not allowed to do that. When hearing Lashon Hara, which may affect us if proven true, we must train ourselves to believe that in all probability it's not correct, or it's not accurate, or it's not precise. But we're permitted to put on our seatbelts and buckle up for safety and not allow that particular person to live up to that Lashon Hara and somehow harm me. So I can take precautions; I can go further to check it out, but I can't spread the word without being sensitive to the fact that I, myself, am not permitted to accept Lashon Hara. Lashon Hara—negative or harmful speech. Can't believe it. Gotta work on it.