Welcome, everybody. Tonight, we’re studying Parashat Chayei Sarah (the life of Sarah). Parashat Chayei Sarah contains 105 pesukim (verses)—Kuf-Heh (one hundred five) pesukim. There are 105 pesukim in Parashat Chayei Sarah. It’s interesting to note that this is the parasha in which Sarah Imeinu passes away. Meanwhile, the title of the parasha is Chayei Sarah. I mean, you might think the parasha should have been named after the next few words: “Vatamot Sarah (Sarah passed away).” Right? That’s Pasuk Bet (verse two) of the parasha. It starts with the words “Vatamot Sarah.” You know, we think that should be the name. After all, it’s the parasha in which Sarah Imeinu passes away. But the title is Chayei Sarah.
Like I said, there are 105 pesukim in the parasha. The first 20 pesukim out of the 105 discuss Avraham Avinu trying to find a burial place for Sarah Imeinu. The first 20 pesukim. The next 67 pesukim in the parasha discuss Avraham Avinu sending Eliezer to try to find a shidduch (match) for his son, for Yitzchak. So it’s pretty interesting that the majority of the parasha—20 pesukim at the beginning and then 67 more, which is 87 pesukim out of the parasha—discuss what Avraham Avinu was trying to do with either Sarah or Yitzchak. It’s the majority of the parasha: 87 pesukim out of 105 pesukim. What’s the lesson behind this? What’s the Torah trying to teach us over here?
You see, there’s a misconception out there. Most people think that chesed (kindness) is when it’s done outside of the home. But if a person is doing chesed with his spouse—husband helping his wife, wife helping her husband, helping the children, taking the children on errands, taking them to the doctor, a husband helping his wife at home, doing errands, doing chores—the tendency is to think, “This is not chesed.” No, that’s chesed. A mommy taking her child to the doctor is chesed.
There was once a kollel (Torah study program). A rabbi was learning in a kollel, and in the middle of the afternoon, during the second seder (afternoon session), a student got up to leave. His Rosh Kollel (head of the kollel) called him and asked, “Where are you going? We’re still in the middle of learning. It’s the afternoon session. Where are you going?”
He said, “Rabbi, my wife is not feeling well. She’s been in bed for two days, and I need to take my baby, who’s now not feeling well. He’s sick, so I have to take him to the doctor.” The rabbi said, “Okay, great. Do you know where you’re going?” He said, “Yeah, you know, I know exactly where I’m going. I’ve done this in the past. I know, whatever, I go there, this, that, tree, number, whatever.” He said, “No, no, do you know where you’re going?”
He said, “Yeah, Rabbi, I know where I’m going. I’m going to the doctor. I know exactly where it is.” The rabbi asked, “Do you know where you’re going? You know what you’re going to do?” The student said, “I know exactly what I’m going to do. What are you asking?” He said, “No, no, you don’t understand what I’m asking you. Do you know that you are now going to do a mitzvah (commandment) of chesed?” So the student looked at him and said, “Rabbi, I told you I’m going to take my son to the doctor.” The rabbi said, “I heard what you said. And I’m telling you, taking your child to the doctor is an act of chesed.”
People don’t understand that chesed is not just something you do with your neighbors or a community member. It’s not just if you’re on Hatzalah—Hashem should bless them all—and you go and help others. It’s not just if you’re in some sort of organization in the community that helps others, and you go out and sit in meetings and help people. Hashem should bless them too. But that’s not the only chesed. On the contrary, chesed must be given priority in the home. A husband helping his wife, a wife helping her husband, and helping the children—that is the real, real chesed.
I’m sure you’ve heard the line they say: “Chesed starts at home. It doesn’t end at home.” We’re obligated to do chesed with our friends and with people outside the home. But chesed definitely starts at home. If a person only does chesed outside but neglects his spouse and children, that’s not true chesed. That’s an indication that he’s doing it because, you know, he wants recognition. After all, when a person does chesed in the home, he doesn’t really get acknowledged. There are no plaques. Every time you walk into the house, if you’re a good husband, your wife doesn’t put a plaque on the wall that says, “Husband of the month.” You don’t get that. But when a person goes out and helps others, people acknowledge it; people talk about you. “Wow, wow”—you get a lot of wows.
And the parasha here is teaching us something important. The parasha is teaching us: Look at Avraham Avinu. The majority of this parasha involves the mitzvah of chesed. The first 20 pesukim of the parasha talk about him finding a burial place for his wife—that’s chesed. His trying to find a shidduch for his son is also chesed: 67 pesukim in the parasha are designated and dedicated to Avraham Avinu for his son. Why is the title of the parasha the life of Sarah? Because someone might say, “You know what? I wonder: during her lifetime, was Sarah Imeinu neglected by Avraham Avinu? Was Yitzchak neglected by Avraham?” After all, Avraham Avinu was a man of chesed, as we know, like it says, “Titen emet l'Yaakov, chesed l'Avraham (Give truth to Jacob, kindness to Abraham).” He was known for his kindness, for his acts of kindness, for his philanthropy. He was a very wealthy man. I’m sure he helped people with money. He gave to people, helped people, and fed people. He gave people what they needed. Was this at the expense of Sarah Imeinu? Was this at the expense of his children?
So this parasha comes and tells you: What do you see from this parasha? Don’t you see that the majority of this parasha—87 out of the 105 pesukim—what’s the priority? What is it talking about? Primarily, it’s talking about Avraham doing chesed at home, with Sarah and with Yitzchak. That is an indication that this was the entire life of Sarah, Chayei Sarah. Meaning, if you want to know what the life of Sarah Imeinu looked like, what Chayei Sarah was, what her life was—was her life one in which her husband did chesed outside and neglected her? He didn’t really give her much attention. He was barely at home. She didn’t have enough time. He didn’t prioritize chesed in the home. So the Torah comes and tells you: You want to know what type of life Sarah Imeinu had? Don’t you want to know what Chayei Sarah was? Go learn Parashat Chayei Sarah and you’ll see. You learn Parashat Chayei Sarah—what do you see? You see that the majority of the pesukim in this parasha talk about Avraham doing chesed at home. That is what the Torah is trying to teach you. For the entire life of Sarah, she received that treatment: Avraham Avinu prioritized her and her child, just as you see in this parasha.
So that’s a very important lesson in how a person is supposed to approach the mitzvah of chesed. He has to realize that chesed begins at home. If a person has hours in his day that he could contribute to helping other people, he has to realize that he must make sure those hours are not at the expense of his wife and children. A person’s wife and children come first, and this is what this parasha is teaching us. We’re learning from Avraham Avinu that when it comes to chesed, first and foremost, chesed begins at home.
And a person should not think, “If I’m helping my wife, if my wife asks me, ‘Could you please go to the supermarket? I’m about to make dinner, and I completely forgot to buy—I need a bottle of vinegar and I totally forgot it. Could you please go get it? Because I was just out all day. Could you go?’” By going, you’re not just fulfilling your obligations as a husband, your fatherly obligations. You are, perhaps, but it’s more than that. It’s a mitzvah of chesed.
When a husband asks his wife for a favor, to do something for him—“Could you go to the store? I’m at work. Okay, if you pass by the bookstore and buy me—I need this sefer. I need something.”—and she goes and does it, it’s not just a spousal obligation she needs to fulfill. It’s not just a motherly obligation to the children. It’s chesed. In Shamayim (Heaven), it’s counted as chesed. And therefore, a person should make that a priority in his life, to make sure to do chesed with the ones who really love him most.
Sometimes you’ll do chesed with a lot of people out there in the world. And then one day you just get disappointed because these people forget the chesed that you did for them, or sometimes, even worse, they just backstab you. And the ones that you love and the ones that love you most, we tend to neglect them. The ones that know how to show you love and show that they care for you, we tend to forget about them. Chesed must be done at home. If you’re able to increase that chesed and do more for others on the outside, that’s great. It’s a great thing to do. But we have to make sure chesed is done in the home.
B'ezrat Hashem (with God’s help), we should be zokhe (be found worthy). The Borei Olam should help us and give us the opportunity to do chesed. And may Hashem give us the opportunity to do chesed the right way, the way of Avraham Avinu, alav hashalom (peace be upon him). Torah, have a wonderful night, everybody.