We continue our series on family life through the lenses of Mishlei and the wisdom of Shlomo HaMelech, alav hashalom (peace be upon him). Today we will study a pasuk (verse) in perek (chapter) Tet Vav (15), pasuk alef (one). Shlomo HaMelech says, “Ma'aneh rach yashiv chemah, u'dvar etzev ya'aleh af,” which means, “Ma'aneh rach yashiv chemah”—a gentle reply turns away anger. “U'dvar etzev,” but a word of anger, “ya'aleh af” will only escalate—escalate the wrath and the anger.
Shlomo HaMelech is referring to a situation where there is anger in the room, where a person is being faced with a comment that gets him angry. The question is, how will he respond? How will he answer? What will his reply be? Shlomo HaMelech says that when a person is confronted by such a situation, where someone says something to him that makes him furious, that makes him angry, the right way to react is the following: “Ma'aneh rach.” Give a gentle reply. Give a soft reply. Why? Because that will “yashiv chemah.” That will turn away the anger. Otherwise, if a person is going to be u'dvar etzev—if he's going to reply with an angry reply—all that's going to happen is ya'aleh af. He will escalate the anger in that room. One word will lead to another, and the anger will get stronger. Therefore, says Shlomo HaMelech, that is not the way to respond. The smart reply is to try to shut the situation down, to try to end the conversation. Just reply with a gentle answer, with a gentle response. And that, says Shlomo HaMelech, is “yashiv chemah.” It will turn away the anger and calm down the situation.
You know, our Rabbis (sages) tell us that in Lashon HaKodesh (the holy tongue), the word for fighting, or arguing, is translated as riv (an argument). We find this in the Torah, when it tells us about the argument between the shepherds of Avraham and the shepherds of Lot. The word riv means an argument. There was fighting there. But also in that same parasha, you will see that the same word for fighting and argument is translated differently. It is translated as merivah (fighting). As it says, “Vayomer Avram”—Abram tells Lot, “Let there not be fighting between you and me.”
Shelah HaKadosh offers a beautiful insight. He asks, why does the Torah use the word riv as a translation for fighting, while at the same time using the word merivah as a translation for fighting? Shelah HaKadosh says that every single fight starts off as a riv. That is a word that has only three letters. But then that fighting, that riv, escalates because the person does not respond properly, and eventually it will turn into a merivah. It now has more letters. It got larger. It got more intense. Not only that, says Shelah HaKadosh, the word merivah is now in Lashon nekevah, which means it is produced. The fighting, the riv, is going to produce and become a merivah. It will escalate and intensify because one word leads to another word, making the anger stronger and more intense.
This is what Shlomo HaMelech is teaching us: “Ma'aneh rach.” In situations where a person feels angry at the moment, the smart way is to respond with “Ma'aneh rach.” Give a gentle reply and end the conversation. If you do that, “yashiv chemah”: the wrath in the room will subside, the anger will be diffused, the conversation will come to an end, and that will bring the conversation to a peaceful ending. Have a wonderful day.