Go get a job.
Welcome back, everyone, to the iTorah Marriage Series with Rabbi Ali Cohen. I'm a marriage counselor. If you'd like to reach me, you can call or text me at 917-837-0102. If you'd like to set up a session, meet with me in person or on Zoom, as a couple or as an individual—whatever works for you.
Today we're talking about something that's common, and I do get a lot of phone calls like this. Women are resentful and bitter toward their husband for not making the amount of money they would like to have. Let's be careful with those words. There are needs, and there are wants: the amount of money that they would like to have. And it's a problem. It's a problem.
Now, I do understand that, in the Jewish community, many communities are very wealthy. The standards are high. The bar is set high. And it's hard. It's hard. It's very hard to watch your friends, family, and neighbors and feel that your situation is different from theirs. It's very hard. It is hard. And you would like to be able to spend at your leisure. You would like to be able to do things other people are doing. You feel strapped. You need more cleaning help. Yeah, it's hard.
However, where it should be directed is important. It's hard, like anything else in life. We direct our problems, and we throw them onto Hashem. That's what we do. As people of the Torah, we have one or two things we can do: do something about it, turn to Hashem, or both. That means you need money, so do something about it. Go pray to Hashem. That's where you should be turning. Turning to your husband and being resentful and bitter toward him, as if it's his fault, or that he has a say in this, or that he could change jobs and be a millionaire—I mean, it's ridiculous.
It was decreed on Rosh Hashanah how much money everyone's going to make. That's a complicated sugya, a complicated topic, but let's take it at face value. That's what it was. It's decreed today. And it's important to understand where the money comes from. Hashem is deciding how much. Your husband works. He goes out and puts in a full day. Besides for battering him at the end of the day after hard work, he feels like garbage. I'm not going there. But it's important to understand that, for the most part, it has nothing to do with him.
I'm not talking about neglectful husbands and people who are just not working, or who are working at, let's say, a job that's in debt and crashing. Even then, you shouldn't be resentful. You should be on the same team and support him. I'm not even going there. But if a husband's working hard and he's making money, supporting a family on a basic level, he should be grateful and thankful. There are many people who are not making ends meet. There are many people who can't put food on the table. And to come out and say, to kvetch and to just be a nag and to be resentful—it's not right. It's not correct. It's hurting yourself, hurting your husband, and, in turn, hurting the marriage. So it's important to really think about this.
The next point, which is really extremely important as well, is to understand what his job is. When he signs up for the marriage, he is signing up to support you. His obligation is to support you. And support means to make sure you have food, clothing, shelter. It's the basics on a basic level. There's nowhere in the Ketubah (marriage contract) that it says he has to give you vacations and lavish, whatever it might be. There's no such thing. He has to support you and give you what you need to function. That also needs a little bit of clarity, but that's his job. His job is not to make sure you live a rich and famous lifestyle.
Now, maybe that's what you want. And I'm not coming at this from the angle of, “Check your priorities and get your priorities straight.” I'm not even going there. Other rabbis talk about this. That's great. That's not a marriage class. But even if your priorities are distorted, which very likely they are, it's still not something that you should ruin your Shalom Bayit (peace in the home) for. It's not something that's upon your husband to go out and do to make sure you have as much money as you can, as you need, as you want. It's just not. And, in turn, like I said, it hurts the marriage. It damages the marriage. It brings friction within the marriage.
Now, what are you supposed to do? Well, first of all, first of all, like I mentioned before, you turn to Hashem. Second of all, get a job, maybe get a job. And, as I touched on—which really is at the core of it—check your values and learn, learn Emunah (faith), bitachon (trust): what your values are supposed to be and who brings in the money. Go to the right classes and surround yourselves with the right people, in the right crowd. People tell me, “Oh, well, I'm surrounded.” Well, don't surround yourself with those people. Don't surround yourself with people who are talking about their wild vacations every day, and then complain. I'm not saying get rid of your friends. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying, open your eyes to what you're doing.
The reason I'm speaking about this, like I said, is because it's common. It's damaging. It's wrong. It's a mistake. If you need help with this, you can call me. But you should acknowledge that you need to get over this and you need to work on it. And if you don't work on it, if you don't work on this, it's not going to get better. It'll just get worse and worse and worse. And unfortunately, marriages end up really ruined damages. And I don't want to say marriages really end because of sad situations like this. So think about this. These are important ideas. Like I said, reach out to me. And I really hope no one gets offended by this. I'm here to help.
And on the other side, on the other side, if you're a man who sees this happening, it's high time to set a boundary and tell your wife, “You know, this is not okay. This is not okay.” Many men will run around and take who knows how many jobs. And I've heard many stories of people doing things illegally just to bring in the money that their wives want. That's not okay. I don't think the wives want that, and it's not a good thing. And you should also, as a man, if this is happening to you, know how to approach it, know how to set a boundary, know how to put a stop to this before it gets worse and worse and worse. Think about this. Pray to Hashem, like I always say. You should have a wonderful relationship.