Welcome back, everyone, to the HaTorah Marriage Series with Rabbi Ali Cohen. We’re talking about relationships and Tisha B’Av today. What can we learn from, or what can we gain from, this day of Tisha B’Av, this very sad day, in relation to our relationships? It doesn’t have to be particularly about marriage. It could be about all relationships, but we speak about marriage, really.
I’m assuming anybody listening here has either heard another class about Tisha B’Av or knows what’s going on today. Many of us have heard the basics. Just for clarity’s sake, we are mourning today. We’re in mourning for the destruction of the Beit HaMikdash. And the rabbis give us a reason, at least for one of the Beit HaMikdash that was destroyed. That’s because of Sinat Chinam, baseless hatred. It’s important to research that and ask around, and to find out exactly what this baseless hatred is. Who hates for no reason? That itself needs explanation. But I don’t want to go there. I want to mention one important point. I would say this is a follow-up to a lot of the classes or content you’re going to hear today or yesterday regarding Tisha B’Av.
Whatever this baseless hatred is, we do have relationships that are not so great. We know that. We do have relationships that are not so great, whether it’s a marriage, with our children—young children or married children—parents, siblings, or coworkers. It doesn’t matter. We all know people we run into whom we have a hard time with. Our relationships are either a disaster or not so good. We know that. Now, of course, we’ll justify it. Obviously, I’m not poking fun here: in our minds, we were slighted, we were hurt, and this person is very hard to get along with. It’s okay. That’s almost any situation where there’s friction in a relationship. People don’t argue that it would be baseless, right? People don’t argue and say, “I know the other person’s right, but I want to argue.” That’s ridiculous. But whatever the reason, we know that almost everybody has friction in their relationships.
What we can do today, or learn or gain—I’d rather say gain—from today is one thing: we want to work toward bringing the Beit HaMikdash to be built. We talk every day about wanting Mashiach (Messiah). We speak about Mashiach, and we talk about the Beit HaMikdash. We’re mourning that it’s destroyed. But there’s a question I’d like everyone listening to ask themselves: Are we doing anything to get closer to that? Are we taking the steps that are needed, taking the measures that are needed, to get toward the Beit HaMikdash being built?
It’s wonderful to go to classes the entire day of Tisha B’Av. It really is. It’s wonderful, and I don’t want to minimize that at all. It’s wonderful to sit and learn and read about Tisha B’Av. But if we’re not going to do something productive—I don’t want to say, “Make a Kabbalah (commitment),” but not turn to ourselves or think for a moment, “Okay, what can I do to make this better, to get us closer to Mashiach?”—then we should ask ourselves: Am I doing my part to make sure that next year we don’t have this Tisha B’Av, that we don’t have this sadness? And what can I do?
At least one thing to think about is working toward mending the relationships that are broken. Isn’t that a tremendous thing? There are relationships that are either broken or not so great, and the Beit HaMikdash was destroyed because of hatred, which is friction between two people. So wouldn’t it be one of the most important things, if not the most important, to say, “You know what? Tomorrow, the 10th of Av, tonight, let me see if I can fix a broken relationship. Let me see if I can do something about this. I’m so hurt by my friend, I’m so hurt by my spouse, I’m so hurt by whoever it might be. I’m really hurt, but let me look past that hurt and say, ‘You know what? Let me try to fix this, or at least give it another chance.’” That itself would for sure be a step forward, a step toward bringing the Beit HaMikdash and Mashiach. That’s for sure.
So the message for today—and I have a very important part two to this—is something I feel people should take in and internalize. If one person can do this, it’s worth the entire class: Am I proactively doing something after this entire day of sadness to bring the Beit HaMikdash? Again, in my opinion, this would be the reason it was destroyed. We should do the opposite of that. That means if there’s no more hatred, and if there’s less hatred and less animosity, and more connection with the people we’re supposed to be connecting with, then that’s definitely bringing us closer to having the Beit HaMikdash rebuilt.
I think that’s something that we all—we all have relationships, most of us. There are tzaddikim (righteous people), very, very big tzaddikim, but most of us have relationships that could use repair. We should definitely zero in on these relationships and try our best to say, “You know what? I’ll do my part, even though I feel like I’m right. I’ll do my part and try to reach out and make this better.”
Now, what I do want to mention is why many people—and this is not all; I don’t say it’s most, but it’s a lot of people—have a hard time mending relationships: they’re hurt. They’re very, very hurt, and they feel slighted, and they can’t forgive. I see this in marriage all the time. People say, “I can’t forgive you for what you did 10 years ago. I can’t forgive you for what you’ve been doing for the past few years.” Now, it’s very important. I understand when people are hurt and feel like they’ve been slighted. It could be that you’re a sensitive person. It could be that real hurt was done. Okay, that’s all true and valid. However, we’re looking to move forward, and I know it would be terribly wrong not to give someone a chance to move forward if they’re reaching out and saying, “I want to apologize. I want to make things better.” That’s for sure step number one.
In a scenario where you’re telling someone who wants to make things better, especially in a marriage, “No, it’s too late”—I’ve heard this many times—“No, it’s too late,” that’s a problem. Or someone will say, “Okay, what can I do to make it better?” and you say, “I don’t have to tell you.” I mean, that’s horrible, and that’s wrong. It doesn’t make you a horrible person. It just means that you’re not looking to make things better. For some reason, this happens very often: people like to hold on to the hurt. I have a hard time letting go. Either they want to hold on to that hurt for whatever reason—I’m not going into that—or there are situations where people are so pained by something that they really can’t let go, and that’s an internal thing. That is not on the other person to do anything. If they’ve apologized and said, “You know what? I want to move on from this. I’m sorry,” and after two, three, four, five years you feel you can’t let go, that’s a problem. That’s not their problem. They did their part by saying, “Please forgive me.”
There are halachot (Jewish laws) of asking forgiveness: one time, two times, three times. There are halachot about how to forgive if somebody doesn’t want to. But what’s ideal is for a person to forgive and move on. Now, again, like I said, if you can’t, or you feel like you’re having a hard time, you need to figure out: How do I do that? Instead of staying stuck in the hurt and saying, “Well, I can’t,” in order to move forward and make the relationship better—which I’m assuming that’s what we’re all trying to do—talk to someone and say, “How do I get over this hurt? How do I heal? How do I heal from this? How do I get over this? What do I do? Okay, I’m done. I don’t want to talk about what this person has done to me forever. I don’t want to. I don’t want to mention how horrible I feel, how awful this was, what they’ve done, whatever it might be. Give me things to do to get over this.” That would be the right approach.
Moving forward today, Sunday, on the Shabbat, what is the right approach? Call me up or ask somebody. I have many ideas. How do I move forward from that hurt? That would be the right approach, instead of saying, “I can’t. I’m stuck, and I’m done.” I touched on this a little bit; it really needs its own class. Some people are extremely sensitive, which is okay. That’s how Hashem made us. Some people are sensitive by nature, or it may be their upbringing, or a combination. It doesn’t really matter. Some people are very sensitive because of situations they went through, and they do take things much, much, much harder. They internalize things much harder, much worse than other people. It might be that you weren’t even slighted that badly. It might be that for other people, being slighted like this would be nothing. It’s important to recognize that. It’s important to try your best to acknowledge or recognize it, or ask a third party if that’s you.
So, to conclude, the message for today is yes, there are so many classes, and we should continue listening to classes and going to classes. We should get as much information and as much chizuk (encouragement) as we can about what went on, why we are mourning, the Musar (ethical instruction), and the chizuk. But I feel it would be a shame—a real shame—not to ask, “Okay, what am I doing? What am I doing to not have this Tisha B’Av again next year? What can I do? Can I do something?” I do believe that for Shalom Bayit (peace in the home) for sure, for a marriage, or for relationships with children or parents that are broken, we should at least take that step of saying, “You know what? Let’s give it a shot. Let’s give it a chance. Let’s call somebody. Let’s speak to someone.” Instead of just saying, “You know what? Let me call them up and say, ‘Let’s make this better,’” no—with a plan, with a plan, with hearing from a third party, something new, something new. I believe that if we do this and try to make our relationships better, especially in marriage, we’ll bring more Shechina (Divine Presence), and we’ll bring redemption much closer. Hashem should take away all the suffering, and we should see the Mashiach very soon.