Welcome back, everyone, to the iTorah Parenting Series with Rabbi Eli Cohen. We're talking today—I guess this is part two—about dealing with kids who are off the derech (no longer religiously observant) or at risk. I mentioned in the previous class that there are multiple approaches: how to approach it, what's going on, why they like this. Everything needs to be rooted in a iTorah and has to have a (great sage) behind it, promoting the approach. Baruch Hashem (Blessed is Hashem), I was blessed to have my Rabbi, Rabbi Gruen, give me the skills, the tools to deal with these types of situations, and the knowledge. He's wildly, wildly successful. I'm going to give over this approach, and this is what I tell parents when they call me. It's extremely important.
Like I mentioned in the first class, this is something detectable, even in a child who's not, let's call it, rebelling against the Torah. Most of the time—if not all, though we can't say all—what's happening with a kid at risk is that he's at risk from birth. He's at risk from birth. Nothing happened, per se, to this child that made him uninterested in Judaism. To anyone who's never heard this and doesn't know the Rabbi, this is definitely new, but it's worthwhile listening to.
So, what is this “at birth”? What is this? There are many different personalities. Every person has their own personality. An at-risk person has a nature of being a specific type: a very, very, very sensitive person. When I say the word sensitive, I don't think most people understand. Very, very sensitive means that if their ego is slighted, even by something hinted at or something that can be interpreted as hurtful, it's going to cut really, really deep. That's very important to understand: that's what hypersensitivity means.
They're inflexible—a child who's not flexible. They can't see two ways, more than one way. It's got to be like this. They can't handle gray areas. It's what they call in the world of psychology black-and-white thinking. These are the signs of a child who is at risk. The term “at risk” is a little bit scary, but this is a child who's more prone to becoming someone who's at risk or off the derech.
Now, it's important to understand more about this child. They can't handle pressure, which sets a lot of parents off. That's part of their sensitivity. They can't be told what to do. When parents hear this, they say, “What do you mean? They have to listen. They have to know that there's authority in this.” I say, “Okay, that's great. Keep trying that.” I have parents with kids who are 17, 18, 19, 20, and they say, “He has to listen. She has to listen.” I say, “Okay, keep on going.” Still, it doesn't work. So, good luck to you. It's a child who has a very, very hard time being told what to do: “You're not allowed. You are not allowed to do this. You can't go there. You need to go to bed now.”
Of course, with all children, we have our struggles. But we sort of figure it out with children who are not sensitive. We make a chart and stickers, and we try to give them a bedtime story. We promise them things. With a hypersensitive person, that doesn't work. It doesn't work for the most part. It's not going to work. Now, do I mean all hypersensitive children are going to be off the derech? No. That's what we're doing here: preventing that at-risk/off-the-derech... We're preventing all that.
By understanding this child, I think it's step one. And I think—I know that that's step one: knowing that this is the child that I have, the one that we just can't get right, the mysterious child. We don't understand him or her. What is going on with this child? Their tantrums at two or three years old are blown way out of proportion and last way longer than any other child's—longer than any other tantrum I've seen. That's the sign of a child who is hypersensitive.
What comes along with that is that they need a lot more love, care, and attention than your other children. Every child needs love and care. This child needs it more than the other children. What they need is to be understood. Now, this might sound progressive, and a lot of parents are not going to like this. I don't know what old school means. I'm still talking to parents who were born in the 2000s, and they're still promoting these ideas that kids have to do whatever we say, and that's it. I mean, it looks like old school is... not old school. It's still relevant.
In any event, the child has to feel understood. Yes, he has to feel validated. Yet, when you are talking to them, don't walk on eggshells. Of course, there are rules in the house, but the way to implement them is different for this child. That means if you have a bedtime at seven, and every single time, for months or years, you tell them, “Go to bed now,” and there's a fight, obviously there's something wrong here. They're not going to just listen one day. You can fight. You can yell. You can hit them. If it's not working, it's not working. That means figure something else out. Bedtime is seven. That's your rule. Warn them in advance. Ease them into it. Ask them what time they think they should go to bed. I know a lot of people don't like this. They say, “Oh, I have to ask my child? I don't know what time to go to bed.” You don't have to do anything. Here's an important message for everyone: You don't have to do anything. You can do whatever you want. I like to do what works. We do what works, not what we think should work, what we believe should work, or what works with other kids. That's a major, major yesod (foundation). We do what works, and what doesn't work, we stop doing and find something else to do.
This definitely needs more guidance on how to deal with this hypersensitive child. I have a lot of material of my own, and my rabbi's. It's a shame that it's not as popular as it should be. I don't mean it's not popular here. It's not as popular as it should be. He speaks about this often. He has written much literature on this and has given many classes about it. It's a shame because I know from experience: when parents call me and I deal with them, and they understand this child, things go beautifully and smoothly. They understand that their child is sensitive, and they prevent all that animosity and frustration.
Think about this, as I believe this is at the forefront for children who are at risk, children who end up going off. Even if they go off, there are so many ideas you can implement when dealing with this approach. I've seen radical change within a week. So be cautious. Pray to Hashem. Like I mentioned in the first class, get an approach, whether it's mine or someone else's. Get an approach.
And just to leave off, when I talk to parents, they say, “Okay, so let them do what they want.” I say, “No.” They say, “Okay, so what is it?” Well, we don't let children do what they want. We have to have rules in the house. But then again, we have to give them more freedom. How much freedom? It depends on each child. It depends on how many kids you have in the home. It depends how old they are. It depends if it's a girl or a boy. It depends, you know, what your rules are for the other kids. I mean, there are so many variables, and, like I said, if you're going to nosh around and shop around for different ideas, it's going to be a mess. As I've seen, it's sloppy. Reach out if you need help. Pray that your kids turn out to be real B'nei Torah (people of Torah), the way they should be. And B'ezrat Hashem (with Hashem's help), we should see the Mashiach (Messiah) and end all this tzarot (troubles). Bekarov (soon). Thank you.