Welcome back, everyone, to the iTorah Parenting Series with Rabbi Ali Cohen. 917-837-0102 or alcohen at LiveTorah.org, L-I-V-T-O-R-A-H.org. If you'd like to ask a parenting or marriage-related question, we could set up a session. It could be a quick question, by phone, on Zoom, in person—whatever works for you.
We've been talking about parenting, and I want to mention something today that used to get more attention. This topic used to get much more attention, and I want to start stressing this point. People don't talk much about it: people who are going through a rough time in their marriage. I know this is about parenting, but this is really major, major in parenting. When people are going through a rough time in their marriage, the kids suffer. The kids will suffer. And even trying to talk to a couple about what's going on with the kids is like talking to the walls. It's talking to the walls, because they're frozen, they're in a deadlock, and the parents are struggling. I understand they're suffering tremendously; they can't think straight, and hearing that their kids are suffering doesn't really sink in. But maybe in a class, people will hear it. I want to shed light on what's going on here: how much the kids suffer, and what the thought process is for parents when their kids are suffering.
So, first of all, if you're yelling at each other in front of the kids, cursing each other, and, of course, using the kids as some type of pawn, telling them, “Mommy did this; your daddy's like this”—awful. Awful. Shame on you. Shame on you. Now, don't tell me, “Who are you to...?” Don't give me that. Don't blame-shift back onto me or anyone else. If you're doing that stuff, shame on you. You're hurting your kids. Your kids are getting hurt. It's one thing if your marriage is not going well. “My spouse is like this. My spouse is like”—fine, fine. Two people not getting along is very common. But why get your kids involved? My first point for today is: Why are you doing that? Why are you yelling and cursing in front of them? Your kids are getting hurt terribly, terribly. Their emotional status is at zero. They're most likely not going to grow up to be healthy individuals. This is something to really think about because we'll do everything for our kids. We'll buy them things. We'll take them places. But controlling ourselves a little bit for their sake? We won't. Not good. Not good.
Now, to try to understand why people continue to fight and curse in front of their kids, and even tell their kids about their mother and father or whatever—why would they do that? I have two ideas about why people continue, even though they know it's wrong. People will do a lot of things even when they know it's wrong. “I know it's wrong, but why? Why are you doing that?” One thing people will say is, “They'll be okay. They'll be all right. They'll be strong.” The answer to that is no, that's not true. Who is sitting on the couch by the therapist's office? Who is struggling in their marriages? Who is taking medication? Not all, but many. They're people who had a bad childhood, a poor childhood. Go speak to any therapist. Any therapist. The first thing they're looking for is, “Why is this person suffering? How was your childhood?” That's the first thing. So the answer to you, whoever is listening, or to anyone who says the kids won't be affected, is that they will be. They will be.
Number two, many people say, “I know they're going to be affected. That's not my fault. It's my spouse's fault. My wife is the one creating the situation, or my husband is. They're the one creating the situation.” This is what he says: “They're triggering me, and they're messing the relationship up, and they're bringing out the worst in me.” So again, to that one also: No. You might be—they might be getting you upset, and they might be starting to fight, and it might be true. It might be true that they clearly need help. That doesn't justify hurting your kids. Again, put this into perspective: that doesn't justify you hurting your kids. I mean, what are you saying? This is a very poor equation here: one plus one equals ten. Because my spouse is getting me upset, and they're clearly failing in the relationship, I have a right to hurt my kids? I don't think anyone would say that. You could say, “Therefore, I slip up, and maybe I'm hurting the kids without trying to, but I'm slipping up because I can't control myself when my spouse is hurting me.” I hear that, but I don't think people say that. People actually blame their spouse for the way they behave. That's just something to understand. You can't blame people for your behavior. You could say somebody is bringing it out, and someone is pushing me to the wall, but at the end of the day, you are responsible for the way you behave, and you have to take responsibility for the way you behave, especially for your children.
So if this is happening to you—hopefully, for most people listening, it isn't—but if it is, just think about it. Don't get so defensive about what I'm saying here. I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I'm not trying to make people feel bad. It's just a matter of time. It's just something that has to stop. How? I don't know. Call me up. We'll figure it out. Fight behind closed doors. Take it outside, as they used to say—or as they still say, “Take it outside”—but don't do this in front of the kids. You've got to reassess your situation and say, “Okay, our marriage is no good. Marriage is not good, but we have to preserve the children and just figure out what to do.”
I just want to finish with a quote from one of the very big Rosh Yeshiva today. It's fascinating what he says. It's just fascinating. I'm just quoting him, and I don't see as many cases as he does dealing with Shalom Bayit (marriage). I see a lot, but not as much as he does. The quote was from a recent one-minute clip. He says somebody asked him, “How do I get my teenage children to respect me? They don't respect me. Disrespectful these days. Kids these days. The kids these days, right? Kids these days.” His answer was that if there is respect between the husband and the wife, then the children will naturally respect the parents. I quote: He said, “In 90% of the homes, there's not enough respect. Either disrespect or no respect between the husband and wife. Ninety percent. And that's why the children are not respecting the parents. If you're part of the 10%, go thank Hashem every second of the day that you and your spouse respect each other, and the kids naturally will respect you.” This is what he said.
Okay. Now, I do believe that. There have to be some parenting techniques, whatever, some basics that could still be part of the 10%, some basics that are missing. But more or less, he's saying, the 90% nowadays. This is what Rav Gershon Ribner said. Does it mean that they're struggling in the marriage or they're failing? No, that's not what he said. You just have the respect level. There could be so many different levels of respect: saying please, saying thank you, showing in front of the kids that you respect. Whatever it is, then there's outright full-on fighting. Think about this. I'm going to talk about this often, because all the tips and all the tricks are wonderful, but if you want to have the kids be respectful, if you want them to be healthy, you need to start getting your marriage, your Shalom Bayit, in order. Pray to Hashem, be patient, be wise, and be sure to raise your children in the ways of the Torah, to raise them properly.