Welcome, everyone, to the iTorah Marriage Series with Rabbi Ali Cohen. I’m Rabbi Ali Cohen. A little bit about myself before we get started with this marriage series: I’m a marriage counselor. Hopefully, with Hashem’s help, we’ll cover multiple topics. My number is 917-837-0102, or you can visit alcohen.org if you have any questions or comments about this class or anything marriage-related. Parenting as well. For now, we’re going to focus on marriage.
We’re talking about the basics of marriage today, starting from the bottom up. Class number one. This is very, very, very crucial. I can’t stress today’s point enough. I could talk for hours about this, but I’ll keep it brief just to get the idea across. If you have any confusion or questions, you can reach out to me.
The basics of marriage. If you’ve been married for a while, this is important. If you’re just getting married or have been married for a year or so, this is very, very crucial. What is a relationship? If you asked, let’s say, 30 people, “What’s a relationship? What’s a marriage?” you’d get different answers. You’d get multiple answers, and everyone would say something about love, trust, honesty, respect—a lot of vague terms. Romance, maybe someone will mention that. I really don’t hear that, even though there’s a lot of influence from the outside world. But people already get after a few months that the romance stuff is ridiculous, nonexistent. There are all different types of answers, and everyone will have their own definition of what a relationship and marriage should look like. Maybe some of the points are true, maybe not; maybe they’re vague. But today I’m going to tell you from a professional standpoint. This is not my—well, a lot of it is my own, but the basis is just what any professional should be saying.
A marriage consists of two valid individuals. That’s really it, and I’m going to elaborate on that point. Two valid individuals. Before you were married, you, your wife or your husband had your own way of operating, your own way of thinking, your own way of doing things, and your own way of everything. Just everything about you was your way of operating, your wants and desires. When you get married, none of that changes. The way they operate and the way they raise children according to their own approach are their own ways. They think their spouse has to listen to whatever they say because they know what they’re talking about. That’s no good.
The way they live in their house, what they feel is correct, the things they like, the way they deal with finances, and the way they deal with situations—nothing changed, nothing will change. For the most part, nobody’s wrong, unless something is abusive or violent. I’m not talking about that; this isn’t a class about violence. I’m talking about regular, healthy people. For the most part, nobody’s wrong; there’s no wrong and right for most of these things. For wants and desires, I like pizza, you like sushi: I’m not wrong, and you’re not right. I like going out; there’s a nice place. You like going out Sunday nights. I like going to Hawaii, you like going to Colorado. I’m not right, and you’re not wrong. It’s a preference. There’s no wrong and right with preferences.
When it comes to raising children, some are tougher and some are softer. It happens that they’re both necessary, but how often to punish and when not to—that’s also a preference. There are so many different ways, books and classes, so many different ways of operating, and nobody is wrong. When you come into a marriage, the first thing you need to understand, drill into your head, and repeat—I could repeat this from here to tomorrow so everyone can get it—is that you need to understand and accept that they are different, period.
People call me up with questions all the time, and almost every phone call, people mention, “We’re so different, we’re so different,” as if that’s contributing to the marital issues. And it’s a huge mistake, it’s a humongous mistake. I wish thousands of people would get this message. It’s a humongous mistake. It’s a humongous mistake. It’s not about the differences; it’s about how you deal with them. I know it sounds cliché, but it’s the truth. There are so many couples I know who are worlds apart, different in every aspect, and they get along beautifully. And there are so many couples who are very close, very similar in everything—their culture, mindset, backgrounds—and they don’t get along. That’s how it is. It has nothing to do with the differences. Two people can be different or similar, and one little thing can become a blowup. People talk to me about one or two points in a marriage that become a blowup because they’re not handling them well.
So the moment you accept that they are different, that they operate differently—that’s another fancy word for it. It’s called flexibility, being flexible. The moment you master and understand this concept of being flexible, that’s when your marriage is going to grow, and it’s set for a good, good, healthy marriage. Flexibility is also complicated. It doesn’t mean giving in to everything. It doesn’t mean doing whatever they want. That’s ridiculous, a ridiculous idea that people talk about: giving in to everything people want. Flexibility means understanding that there’s more than one way of looking at things. There’s more than one way of operating. There’s more than one person on this planet besides you. There are so many other ways you can look at something and handle situations. If you see something one way and your spouse is saying, “I like it like this,” or, “I see it like this; it should be done like this,” it’s time to say, “Oh, okay. I see it like this. Let’s work this out.” Your go-to in marriage should be, “Let’s work this out. Let’s figure this out. Let us figure this out.” If you can get that point—“Let us figure this out”—instead of, “No, no, you’re doing it wrong. No, don’t do it like that. You have to be that, you have to go there, you have to do it like this. You can’t do that anymore”—that’s not a healthy rule. It’s not setting the stage for a healthy relationship. I’ve seen this over and over again, where one person feels like the way they operate is correct. No good.
So, today’s point: basics. Maybe I’ll elaborate again on this, because I have an entire book on this, 50 pages on this one point, and I have multiple classes on this. But I’ll try to keep it short and concise, and I want to drive home this point: what a relationship is—two valid individuals. You understand and accept that there’s somebody else who operates differently. And now, how do we make things work? You get them, understand them, and try to understand them. Of course, they have to understand you, and you try to get them to understand you also, but you work together. It’s crucial.
Like I mentioned, the moment it becomes just “my way or the highway,” it’s not a good situation. Nobody’s going to admit that they operate with “my way or the highway.” They’ll say, “Oh, my spouse doesn’t know what he or she is doing.” That’s not good. If they hear them out, people are more or less doing things in a normal way. They have a different way. Just because it’s different doesn’t mean it’s incorrect. It might sound weird to you because you decided—you used your brain and said, “This is the correct way of operating, of doing things.” And anything other than that, you’re not operating that way because you feel like it’s incorrect. But that’s not true for you. It works for you. This is good for your nature, whatever it might be. This works. And there are other ways of operating.
Be patient, be wise in a relationship, and pray to Hashem. He made the Shidduch (match), there’s no two ways about it. You can call me or email me, like I said, at 917-837-0102. Leave me a message if you have any questions on this point or anything marriage-related. And if you’re wise and patient—two things I always say—you’re sure to have a wonderful relationship.