Welcome back, everyone, to the iTorah Marriage Series with Rabbi Eli Cohen. I'm a marriage counselor in New Jersey. If you'd like to reach me to discuss this class or any other class, as these topics are delicate, 917-837-0102 or alcohen at LiveTorah.org, A-L-C-O-H-E-N-L-I-V-E-T-O-R-A-H.org.
Today's topic is negativity in your home. Negativity is not a good thing; it's poisonous for your home. There are a few points I want to mention: what constitutes negativity? I'm sure it's very simple. And what to do about it?
There are two types of negativity. There's someone who is constantly negative about the world and about things that are going on outside of them, but not toward their spouse. They're not blaming their spouse or being negative toward their spouse; they have a good relationship, but they'll vent to their spouse about everything that's going on. Constantly. In a negative way. That's one way.
Then there's another kind of negativity, which is a higher level—it's worse. Higher meaning worse. You'll vent or complain about your spouse constantly. Now, when I talk about both of these, I'm talking about their being constant. Constant doesn't mean every second, every day. It means a lot. More often than not.
So both these things are no good. Both of these things are obviously no good. Now, we all get in a bad mood, and we all have our days. That's of course normal, and we're human. But I'm talking about people who are negative all the time. If that's you, or you think maybe that's you, it's time to stop and think and realize that this is not a good recipe for a good relationship. Most of the time, or many times, it'll make you unappealing to your spouse. It's unattractive to be a complainer. People don't want to be around a complainer. It's just very unpleasant to be around a complainer. People try to avoid someone who complains and is negative all the time. Nobody sits there listening to a complainer saying, “Yeah, oh wow, that happened. I can't believe it.” Most of the time, people say, “Oh, here we go again, here we go again.”
I talk to a lot of people, so I know; I hear the feedback: “Here we go again with the complaint, and another kvetch (complaint), and another thing, and oh my goodness.” So it's important, and it would be fantastic if somebody—if people—would acknowledge, “You know what? That's me. That might be me.” It's something that needs to come to a stop or at least be worked on. Either it needs to come to a full stop, or it needs to be worked on.
People who are being negative might be overwhelmed with things going on in their life: kids, work, whatever it might be. Or their nature might be to take things in a hard way. Whatever it might be, it should be worked on, or it should just come to a stop.
What's a good way to detect it? Many people say, “Well, I don't know.” Some people will say, “All right, no, I'm not negative.” Other people will listen to this and say, “Oh, maybe, I don't know, I'm not sure. How do I know? Maybe. I do complain often. I'm not sure if it's too much. Is it annoying my spouse?” Don't go ask them right now, but there are two ways you could tell. You ask a good friend, a third party who really is not going to just validate you and say, “No, you're the best,” or anything like that. A good friend who really tells it to you straight. That's number one.
The next way to detect it is if your spouse has mentioned this often: “You are so negative. You're always complaining. You're never happy.” In the past, until this class, you probably said, “I'm not putting anyone down. I'm just saying what I see, and I see this very often.” You probably got defensive. Rightfully so. Most people get defensive when they're put on the defense: “I'm not negative. You made me negative. You did it. You're also negative. You did this to me. I'm like this because of you,” and so on. That type of stuff.
So if your spouse mentions often that you're negative, it might be. It might not. It might be a cue that you are. I know this is going off on a tangent, but I mention this often in my classes: You should take your spouse seriously when they say something and really think about it. When they say something often, like, “You complain. You're so negative. You're never around. You don't love me,” they might be needy, and they might be overdoing it. Or there's a very big chance that they're right. They're right. They know you probably more than anyone else. And there's very likely a very big chance, a very big chance, that there is substance to what they're saying.
So those are two ways that I tell people you could detect it. Or you could call me up to detect if you are being negative, which is not so pleasant for your relationship and for your children.
One more point before we finish. If you're bold enough to acknowledge and admit that, yes, you know what? I'm a negative person, and my spouse doesn't like it. Or they're being special. They're being really special about this and they don't say anything. But the negative vibes are just not good. It's not pleasant. I'm sure they'd be very happy, and your kids would be very happy, if you would put a stop to it.
But what do I do? What do I do right now? Okay, I got to work on it. I got to speak to a therapist, or I got to just talk it out with somebody. But in the meantime, what do I do? It's important. And again, I mention this idea as a specific, and it could be in general. Let your spouse know. Let them know. Sit down with your spouse. It's okay to have conversations once in a while about these things. “I'd like to tell you something. I noticed that I am super negative. I really am, and I really don't want to be. But I want you to understand that right now, I'm either overwhelmed, or I don't know. I don't know what it is. I'm overwhelmed with the kids or with work.” If you can identify that, that would be great. And let them know: “And please work. Bear with me.” You'd be surprised how happy your spouse would be to hear that.
When people hear from their spouse, “Please help me. Please work with me,” they'll do anything for you. But when people are attacked—“You don't do this. You don't do that. You do this. I don't want to help you. What are you attacking me for? Leave me alone. What am I, such a bad person? You're always attacking me.” But when people are approached with help, especially when you are approaching your spouse with “Help me,” or “Just please work with me,” or “Understand me,” it will not only cut the edge; it'll actually make you guys closer. It will. For the most part. I've seen this very often. Very often.
So, a few things to think about. Negativity is not a good thing. It's something to think about: maybe you are negative, maybe not. There are a few ways I mentioned that you could detect that, and what to do if you did detect it. And I think if we pray to Hashem and take our marriage seriously, obviously everybody wants a marriage to go in the right direction. But taking it seriously means doing some real thinking and taking inventory: What am I doing? What am I doing here? Stop and think: Am I doing that? Am I not doing that? Is there anything I could do better? And if we do this, we're sure to have a wonderful relationship.