Welcome back everyone to the iTorah Parenting Series with Rabbi Ali Cohen. 917-837-0102 or alcohen at levtorah.org L-E-V-T-O-R-A-H.org. If you'd like to email me or call me, discuss something with your children, parenting or marriage related, I'll be glad to try to help you with Hashem's help.
I want to talk today about spoiling children: understanding what spoiling is, how bad it is, and what we can do. Before we start, many people will downplay spoiling. They’ll say, “Yeah, one of my children is spoiled; they get whatever they want,” or, “Yeah, you know, this one is difficult, always throwing tantrums, so they’re spoiled; they get whatever they want.” People look at it lightly, as if some people are spoiled and some are not. So I want to explain two things about what happens with a spoiled child and what spoiling is.
To start, spoiling, by definition, is giving a child something that either isn’t good for them or that you didn’t want to give them for whatever reason. Again, you don’t want to give it to them, or you feel it isn’t good for them. If there were no pushback, you wouldn’t have given it to them. But because of their tantrum, their nagging, their saying, “You hate me,” or whatever it might be—let’s say, a tantrum—you gave in. And you might say, “Okay, listen, it’s a headache. I can’t deal with it.” So that is spoiling. What does “spoiled” mean? I don’t know; it’s an English word. But from the Torah’s perspective, what is wrong with spoiling a spoiled child?
What happens is that they get a message. The message is twofold. Number one, you lose your authority. You lose your authority because I said something, and now it doesn’t stand because they call the shots. By “they call the shots,” I mean, basically, I don’t have—I'm not the... I don’t want to say I’m not in charge anymore, but basically, they know how to get what they want. What you say doesn’t matter. That’s really the message they get: what you say doesn’t matter. If you say no, it could be yes. If you say yes, it could be no, depending on how we react. That’s not good for your parenting.
The next thing, which I think is really worse, in my opinion, is that they’re being trained to have no self-control. They want something, they’re told no, and then, even if it’s bad for them, they know how to get it by throwing a tantrum. Now, if they’re trained like this as a child, as an adult they’ll continue it in something I like to call adult tantrums. Adult tantrums will manifest as manipulation: manipulation, lying, cheating. That’s an adult way of getting away. I’m not going to kick and scream. I’m going to manipulate. I’m going to lie. I’m going to do whatever I can to get what I want, because I need to get what I want.
Now, it might sound extreme, but it’s not. This is the reality. Children who, as children, got whatever they wanted, even when it was bad, are being trained to have no self-control. The damage from that is obvious, but I want to bring it out more. Number one, life is full of disappointments and situations where you cannot have things. It’s not going to be material; it’s not going to be anything. Any disappointment in life, anything that doesn’t go their way, will make them very, very frustrated. Anything that doesn’t go their way will make them frustrated. There are endless things: “I can’t have that. I can’t have that.” They have no self-control over their feelings. “I have to have whatever it is that I want.”
In a marriage, for sure, not having self-control causes damage. And most important, the entire Torah is control. Control. You’re not allowed to do this. You’re not allowed to do that. You’re not allowed to do this. You’re allowed to do that. You’re not allowed. The whole Torah is Hashem telling you yeses and noes. It’ll be very hard to follow Torah correctly if you have no self-control. So, I know we said a lot of things, but spoiling is more than spoiling. It’s setting them up for a real failure.
So, practically speaking, with tantrums, let them have the tantrum. I tell this to parents all the time. Let them have the tantrum. I can’t say this enough, because people I speak to all the time ask, “What do I do? He or she, my child, is kicking and screaming.” Let them have the tantrum. “Oh, they’re waking up the whole house.” And therefore what? Therefore what? Of course, everything has to be done properly. They’re making so much noise, and therefore what? And what’s going to happen? Of course, there are extreme situations. We have to talk about those. They’re punching a hole in the wall. Okay, we’ll talk about. But a typical tantrum—kicking their feet on the floor, or saying, “Mommy, I hate you. Daddy, you’re the worst”—let them have the tantrum. Nothing’s going to happen. The only thing that’s going to happen is they’re going to learn that you mean business, and they’ll learn self-control. When I want something, it doesn’t mean that I get it.
And next time, if you follow through with this a few times, you’ll see: “Mommy, can I have a lolly?” “No, not now.” “Okay.” That means they’re accepting authority, and they’re accepting authority, and they’re accepting authority, and they’re accepting that there’s a no. They’re accepting there’s a no. It’s very, very important.
Part B is another type of spoiling. Now, I don’t know if these definitions are in Webster’s Dictionary, or if you Google this—I didn’t Google it—or if they’re in pop psychology and Psychology Today. Are they going to define it like this? I don’t know. Maybe not. This is the way I see it. The facts are the facts, anyway. It doesn’t matter if the word “spoiling” is defined this way, but children will be spoiled regardless.
The next thing is setting the bar too high, setting the standards too high in material things. It’s very, very simple, very basic. Whatever standards you set for your children are already the basis for the standards they’re going to need when they get older. If they were conditioned to think that Mercedes-BMW is the only way to go, a huge 12-bedroom house is the only way to go, vacation four times a year is the only way to go, and steak every Sunday night is the only way to go, I’m not saying what’s wrong or right right now. I’m not even being cynical or negative. I’m just saying, if that’s the bar you set, that’s the bar they’ll need for the rest of their lives. And if they come to a point where they can’t afford that, they will suffer. They will suffer miserably, terribly.
If she’s a girl and her husband cannot give her that, but can give her a Toyota and a Honda and a small apartment, she might—not for sure—be resentful, and it might not be such a great situation. I’m being extreme because I want people to realize what they’re doing. It’s not for sure going to happen. I don’t even know if it’s most likely, but there’s a very, very good chance that whatever standards you set, they will be conditioned toward those standards, and anything less will be hard for them to adapt to. Let’s put it like that.
What I’m trying to bring out is just: be aware of what you’re doing. That’s all. Be aware of what you’re doing. It doesn’t mean, “Okay, now let’s go and change the whole system.” Just be aware. Yes, I am setting the bar high. Yes, that’s what I’m doing. Acknowledge what you’re doing. Don’t think that whatever lifestyle you have now isn’t going to affect them. That’s really what I want people to get.
There’s a lot to talk about, too, such as getting kids things for school because their friends want them. It’s important because their friends all have them. That might be important. There’s one point I also want to mention, just to think about: kids don’t need as much as you think they do. That’s all. The takeaway would be two things. Number one: acknowledge that, yes, these are the standards I’m setting them up for. Number two: they really don’t need as much as you think they do. They really don’t. If they’re not asking for it or saying, “My friends have it,” and you just go up to them and say, “We’re doing this and we’re going here. We’re getting you this,” just be aware that they don’t need it as much as you think they do. You want it. It’s enjoyable for you. They’re happy. They might be content sitting home playing video games or whatever it is they’re doing. Just food for thought on that last point. Be patient. Think about this. Pray to Hashem. Be sure to raise wonderful children.