Welcome back, everyone, to the I Torah Marriage Series, Class Number 4, with Rabbi Eli Cohen. I'm a marriage counselor. If you need any help or have questions about this class, since these topics are sensitive, you can call 917-837-0102.
Today I want to talk about a very simple, short idea, but a very powerful one: appreciating everything your spouse does for you, in addition to being morally correct. As people of the Torah, Hakarat HaTov (appreciation) is basic. We could talk for hours about having Hakarat HaTov and being appreciative of what your spouse does, but I'm not coming from that angle.
Appreciating what your spouse does encourages them to want to do more. So if you want your spouse—not in a manipulating way, but if you want them to continue doing things, buy you things, help out, and support you—then appreciate the things they already do. What happens with a lot of people, and this happens very often, is that they'll do a lot for their spouse and not get basic, basic recognition, basic thank-yous, basic, basic etiquette. Please and thank you—they call it a mensch. Please and thank you. That's just ABCs. I'm not even talking about going above and beyond. A little bit more would be, “I appreciate it so much. Thank you,” and so on. If you appreciate your spouse and they feel appreciated, they're going to feel good, and they're going to want to do more.
This is really one of the many causes of frustration in marriage. When people don't feel appreciated, they don't feel loved, and then they just stop giving, or they give begrudgingly. That's what happens. It's very, very simple. I know we get busy, and we might justify our neglect by saying, “I'm busy. Don't they know I love them?” No, it's not a matter of love. It's a matter of appreciation. Your spouse needs to feel like they exist. They feel like they exist in your mind when you let them know that you're appreciative of what they do.
Does it have to be every second? No. But when dinner is put on the table: “Thank you so much.” When dessert is put on the table: “I appreciate it. Thank you so much.” “Can you please make me coffee?” A wife: “Can you please drive me there?” “Thank you. I know you have a hard day.” “Hard day at work—can you please help out when you're done? I appreciate it. I appreciate that you work so hard for the family.”
I advise women to talk like this to their husbands all the time, and it's a gold mine if a wife can tell her husband, at least once a week, “Thank you for working.” Has anyone ever thought of that? Has anyone ever thought of this? I say this on my own. I have never heard anyone talk like this, but it's not fair. It just doesn't work. There's what's correct, and then there's what doesn't work.
In a relationship where someone doesn't feel appreciated, men express this to me: “I don't feel appreciated.” Women do too. A man comes home, sees the house clean or dinner, and says, “Thank you. I know it was hard.” It's so simple, what I'm saying now, but it's a game changer if you can master this.
A few specifics I want to mention. Many times, women will express their feelings about a gift their husband bought. She'll either say outright that she's not so happy with it, or she'll give him a look like, “Okay, what's this?” Sometimes, even worse, she'll say, “Like you're trying to buy me or something.” That's not good behavior. It's an extreme turnoff. Besides making him not feel appreciated, he won't want to get a gift again. Besides that, he'll think there's no way to make you happy, because he tried doing this and it didn't work. So what can make you happy?
Then the women get defensive: “You don't get me.” “I don't get what? I know. The one thing I do get is that I bought you a gift and you're not happy. That's what I do get. We all get that. We all get the fact that I get you a gift and you're not happy. That we know. There's something deeper. Okay, we have to talk about it.” So discuss it if you feel a certain way. But to turn down gifts and not show appreciation for them is not healthy for a relationship. And, like I mentioned in the beginning, it's not the Torah way. It's not morally correct. The proper way and the Torah way is constant appreciation. Appreciation for everything. That's what a marriage is about. You're building here. We don't just get married and then that's it. We build the relationship. A relationship needs to be built. It needs to be nurtured. It needs this nourishment of please and thank you. It needs that appreciation, or else it just drifts away.
Anyway, that's the very simple but powerful idea I'm mentioning today. If you've been married a long time, you realize that. If you haven't been doing this, don't feel bad. It's never too late. I have seen a lot of marriages that were not in good shape turn around in a few days when someone just changed gears, started appreciating, and stopped getting into arguments.
And it's not about helping out more. People think in terms of doing more: “So I have to help out more. I have to buy more things.” All that stuff is secondary. It's more about a good feeling: the thank you, the please, the understanding. “I know you had a rough day. I know you're sensitive,” and so on. I don't want to go off on a tangent, but people say, “Oh, that's not hard. What'd you do?” Men talk like this about their wives: “That's not. What'd you do all day? You went to a class, and then you exercised, and then you had an hour to shop, and now you're home with the kids. I mean, what's so hard?” That's not fair to talk like that.
If your wife is saying she had a hard day, she had a hard day. She's the one who decides how hard her day was, not you. And you're the one to decide how you feel about your day, also. This is a whole class in itself, but nobody's a judge of how they feel but themselves. So if she's saying she had a hard day: “Oh, you had a hard day. I understand. Yeah.” For me, I can't function when I have a hard day. Don't say, “Yeah, that was, uh, I don't get it, but I'll say it anyway.” You don't have to get someone to validate them. You know, someone's not—no one's justified because they're valid.
Okay, these are already a lot to talk about. Think about this. Pray to Hashem. He's the one that made your shidduch (match). Now it's your turn to put in the effort. Not complicated. The points I'm mentioning today—some of the other points I mentioned are a little more complicated. This is the easy one. This is the easy one; this is basics. Think about it. You're sure to have a wonderful relationship if you implement some of these ideas.