Welcome everyone back to the iTorah Parenting Series with Rabbi Ali Cohen. You can reach me at 917-837-0102 or alcohen@levtorah.org. If you'd like to call or email me, these topics are sensitive and do need some guidance. You could call me or talk to a rabbi, but you should be speaking about these topics if they speak to you and pertain to you. I believe you should talk to somebody, a third party, to get clarity.
Today's topic is a question or comment that people mention often: “We are not on the same page regarding our parenting style,” or, “Maybe we have the same approach, but we keep tripping up and arguing about what to do with the kids.” Should they go to bed late or early? Should we take them out or go to Grandma's house, or not go? Pajamas, sleeping in their clothes, getting them up early—you get them up, you... Whatever it is, things get hectic, and they disagree, and it becomes a source of frustration. So, a few points; hopefully this will shed light, let's see, siyata dishmaya (Heaven's help), on the situation.
A few points to mention. The first point is that everybody is well-meaning. The goal here is just to really, really think about what you're doing. If you have an idea about how the children should be raised, you're attempting to get your spouse to understand your way because you feel like this is the way to do it. You can't hear otherwise because that would not be good for the kids. So your goal is to get your spouse to hear your way and give in to your way. But the ultimate goal is that the children should be successful. They should succeed in life, whatever that might be. They should succeed as people, as they grow; they should be healthy individuals. This is really your ultimate goal.
But what's happening is that if you're at odds with your spouse about how to raise the kids, there are two things going on. The kids see parents at odds. That's put aside the fact that it's at odds how to raise the children. They see machloket (disagreement) in the house, which is not good, as I mentioned in the past. That is probably your number one prerequisite for parenting: that the shalom bayit (peace in the home) should be good. If the shalom bayit is not in order, a lot of these classes are just—I don't want to say they're a waste—their ideas are not going to be as powerful or as potent as if you were seeing eye to eye and working together. That's just very, very important. So that's point number one.
Number two is that they're not getting any page. People say, “Oh, we're not on the same page.” You're not getting any page; they're getting conflicting pages. If you're generally arguing about how to raise the kids and keep bumping into each other, they're not getting any approach, mahalach, or any way in life of what they're supposed to be doing. They're hearing conflict about how they're supposed to be raised and how they're supposed to approach life. They're hearing conflicting opinions, or whatever it might be, all the time. So you're not gaining anything.
It's important, I would say, just to drive home the point: it's better to let your spouse do whatever they want rather than fight about it. I'm not saying that's what you should do at all. I'm just saying one approach is definitely better than two conflicting approaches. Again, that was just to bring out the point. It didn't mean, “Okay, tell your spouse, ‘Just give it to me,’” or, “Go tell your spouse, ‘Do whatever you want.’” I'm not saying to do that. That's very, very important.
Now, the next thing is really the crux of the whole class: this whole same-page idea. People will bring this up: “We have to get on the same page,” and tell their spouse, “You need to be on the same page as me.” I've heard people say this all the time. Now, I really hope no one gets offended, and I don't mean, chas veshalom (God forbid), to offend anyone. It's really food for thought. If you are doing this, it's something to really think about. My goal here is to help people, to help you understand what's correct and what's right. Many times, we will be doing the wrong thing. That's why we want to hear a class: to do something, to switch gears maybe, if we're doing something incorrectly, not just to get validated.
So when we say, “My spouse is not on the same page as me,” it's important to think about whether you mean this—which I know many times people do mean. They mean, “I have a page,” meaning a way to approach this, “and my spouse is doing their own thing. I need them to get onto my page so we can be on the same page.” That's in essence what people mean. The only way we get on the same page is if they agree with what I do, and then we're on the same page.
So you have to understand that's wrong. That's wrong. Besides the fact that your spouse has an opinion, and these are their kids as much as they are your kids, you both have a valid opinion on how to raise the kids. To just say, “You need to subscribe to the way that I raise the kids and get on my page,” is wrong. It's the wrong approach; it's going to stifle them. It's actually going to make them, let's call it, do like you want to do. It's against the way that they feel is right, so you don't want that. Your spouse feels like there's a certain way to raise them, and they're doing like you said because they're scared of you or because you're stronger than them. That's not good. That's not healthy.
So this whole thing of “Get onto my page” has to stop, really. What people have to understand is that these are both of your children, and that's a fact. You both have equal say—you both have equal say—on what goes down with the kids, how to raise them, whether, like I said, it's a general idea or an individual one. You both have equal say.
So your step number one would be: anything that's being dealt with regarding the kids that's going to be a debate—should they go to bed at seven or nine? Should they go to this school or that school? Should they hang out with that friend or not hang out with that friend? Should we let them get away? I'm just giving examples. Should they not study for a test? They have a test tomorrow. Should we force them to study for the test? Should we give them an incentive? Discipline: they did something wrong. Is that wrong? Is it not wrong? “I don't want to discipline.” All these things should be taken seriously. These are your kids. It should be taken seriously and discussed like mature adults. “Let's go out. Let's go for a walk. Let's talk about this.” Instead of being haphazard and having this thing I like to call a frustration conversation. You never really sat down and spoke. “We've been arguing about this for years.” No, you haven't. No, you haven't. You've both been venting forever. “Put them to bed.” “I don't think so.” “No, you do it.” That's not a conversation. That's not a conversation. You sit down. Like I said, find the opportune time when you're both relaxed. Okay, put it on the table. “Okay, this is what's happening in the home. I feel like this. You feel like that. What can we do? What can we do?” There's really a lot to talk about in how to approach that.
The next thing would be, if you really want to take it seriously, to realize that there's a strong parent and a weak parent. That's a good thing. You could delegate. One can deal with the discipline; one cannot. It doesn't matter, woman or man. It doesn't matter. Be creative and figure it out, but work together as a team. Kids need this teamwork. There's no reason to get defensive. “You're always telling me...” There's no reason to get defensive and frustrated. It's your kids. You want to do what's best for them.
The last thing to do is, if you find something is really the source of tension and you cannot get to a compromise—it's school A or school B, and you're both discussing it, and you really feel one way and can't see the other way—you should have a rabbi that you speak to. You should have a rabbi that you both respect. It's not, “Oh, my husband's rabbi,” or, “My wife's rebbetzin (rabbi's wife),” or whatever. No, this is the person that we respect. We receive guidance from them, and whatever they say goes. Meaning, that's what guidance is. Guidance is not, “Let's see what he has to say,” or, “Let's see if it fits what I'd like to do.” It's, “We respect this person, and there are many times when they'll say something that I can't understand, but we'll do it anyway.” That's really, really the real way; it's called Da'at Torah (Torah guidance). That's really the proper way to approach something that becomes a conflict.
Yes, if they say, “We're going to do X, Y, and Z,” even if I don't like it, we'll do it. Don't get defensive: “They're taking his side. They're taking her side. They like her better.” I hear all these things. That's so irrelevant. You went to a rabbi that you trust and respect; he knows his stuff. You're going to follow up with him. That's really the ultimate in all these things: shalom bayit. Everyone should have a Rav. Pray to Hashem, like I always say, and that's what you need. The Chazon Ish was well known for saying that tears and tefillah (prayer) are what make our kids into great people. Don't neglect that. Don't forget that tears and prayer are what are really, really going to help make your children into wonderful people.