Welcome, everyone, to the I Todah Marriage Series with Rabbi Ali Cohen. For those of you who have been following me, that's great. If not, I'm a marriage counselor. I do counseling by phone, Zoom, or in person. If you'd like to reach me, the number is 917-837-0102, or you can email me at alcohen, A-L-C-O-H-E-N, at levtorah, L-E-V-T-O-R-A-H.org.
Today I'd like to talk about a few points related to criticism in marriage, which is very common. Whether it's constant in the marriage, which is no good, or happens once in a while, any criticism is wrong. It's funny that I hear people talking like this—I mean people giving advice: “Criticism is good, and it's constructive.” I have no idea where they got that from. It's no good. It's not a Torah concept, wherever it came from.
Criticism is Ona'at Devarim. Ona'at Devarim is putting someone down and belittling them. Making someone feel bad is not a Torah concept. I could go on for hours about anti-Torah concepts that have seeped into our system and become sort of acceptable. For starters, everyone should know the right hashkafa (the right perspective). Criticism is no good. It's not okay. If you're doing it, it's not okay. If it's happening to you, it's also no good.
Now, two points. I mentioned the first point in another class. The first point is that it's not okay, and it has to be stopped. If your spouse often criticizes you—“You're lazy,” “You're so lazy,” “You're abusive,” or “You're neglectful”—I'm not getting into whether it's right or wrong; I'm not even going there. They'll just say negative things. They're yelling at you and screaming at you. The first thing, which is very, very important for everybody to know, is that it has to be stopped. It has to be stopped. That means you. If this is happening to you, well, of course, if you're doing it, you have to stop. But the same damage is done if it's happening to you.
Many times, we feel like, “Yeah, I'll be okay. I'm all right.” That's not true. It's not good for a relationship, in any relationship, for the other person you're involved with to criticize you and put you down and yell at you, and get away with it. It's just not healthy. It's not a healthy relationship. It has to be stopped, and I do feel that professional guidance is needed on how to stop it. People really don't know what to do because it is a complicated situation. Many people say, “Stop criticizing me.” “Okay. I didn't criticize you.” Then you debate it. There is an art. There is a technique that I have that works. It has to be stopped. There are no excuses for this. Many people tell me, “Oh, what am I going to do? I have a lot of things to do.” I don't like when people say it either. “What can I do?” I mean, I have plenty of ideas.
The next thing, which is the main point I want to mention today: I hope this is not too confusing for people, but it's worthwhile thinking about the comments they're making. Yes, it's not okay for them to say negative things and put you down. It's not okay. It's hurtful, and it's not good, as I mentioned. I can't stress that enough. But if your spouse often says something like, “You're so lazy,” “You don't help out,” “You're never around,” “I don't feel like you love me”—whether it's a man or a woman—or “You scream at me often,” “I don't like how you treat me in front of the kids,” whatever the comment might be, if it happens often, it's worthwhile thinking about what they're saying. Just think about it.
As I mentioned before, I'm going to say it one more time because I don't want people to get confused: those critical words have to be stopped. But if it's been ongoing until now, or it happens often, it's worthwhile thinking about what they're saying, because it's very likely. Now, it could be that they're wrong. It could be that they're off base. But they're seeing something. They're seeing something. They're not going about it in the proper way, but they're seeing something.
Let's take, for example, somebody saying to their spouse, “You're lazy.” They're seeing something. Now, there are one or two things happening here. Either they're correct and you are being lazy, or you both have different definitions of what's considered lazy. A wife might say that a husband—a man who wakes up past 5.30, wakes up at 6, and comes home at 4—is a lazy guy. I'm just giving a random example. Someone might say, “Hey, a guy who works two hours a day, he's a go-getter.” Whatever it might be, it's very common for people to have totally different ideas of what things should look like and different definitions of words. Someone might say a person is angry if they yell once in a while. Someone else might say, “Oh, that's you; that's normal.”
The point I'm getting at is that it's worthwhile to think about what your spouse has been saying for the past few months or few years, and take into account that maybe there's some truth to it. Maybe talk to a third party and figure it out. Why is this so important? Because even though you might be able to stop them from criticizing you—as I mentioned before, that is a must—and now they're not going to say these negative words and put you down, that's not going to change the way they feel. It's not going to change the fact that they feel like you are X, Y, and Z, or whatever that might be. If it is true, then there's still a problem in the relationship.
It's a little bit of a deep concept, but it's worthwhile to think about it and not get defensive and not debate it. “No, I'm not lazy because I took out the garbage yesterday.” That's great, that's great. But your spouse is saying otherwise. “No, I'm not violent. I don't yell at anyone.” “Oh, I yelled at the kids last week because they did something wrong.” Okay, but someone's telling you that you're angry and abusive. It's worthwhile thinking about it, talking to somebody you trust who's going to give you an honest opinion, and asking them truthfully, “Do you see this? Do you see what my spouse is seeing?” I know most likely no one's going to do this. But it's important to put that into perspective and make everyone conscious right now that maybe, maybe, maybe there's something to what they're saying. Maybe.
So even if nobody's going to ask someone or change, at least if you heard this class, next time your spouse says, “Oh, you're always yelling,” you're going to think, “Oh, okay, I heard the class. Maybe I am always yelling.” And that's enough for me: mission accomplished.
Important points about criticism. Number one: not okay. Not okay. It has to be stopped, whether it's you or your spouse. It's not okay to belittle or put someone down. Although it has to be stopped, whoever's doing it, it's worthwhile thinking about what they are saying. Stop debating right and wrong and think, “What in the world are they saying?” Maybe there's some truth to it, because very likely there is. Even if it's 50-50, it's very likely that there is. Think about these things. Pray to Hashem. Be sure to have a wonderful relationship.