Welcome back, everyone, to the iTorah Marriage Series with Rabbi Eli Cohen. I am Rabbi Eli Cohen, a marriage counselor. If you need to speak about these topics or would like to set up an appointment, call 917-837-0102. We can speak by phone, Zoom, or in person—whatever works.
Today I’m talking about something very simple and very, very important: get the help that you need. The sooner, the better, before things hit the fan. Before things hit the fan. I talk to couples of a variety of ages, including people who have been married for 6 months, a year, 2 years, 15 years, 30, 40, 50, or 60 years. The older people get, the more complicated things get. That’s a fact. The longer people are married, the more complicated the situation gets.
People who have been married a long time and never got the help they need tell me all the time, “Things were rocky in the beginning. Things were rocky right away.” Or things were rocky after they had a baby, 1 year or 2 years in, and stayed rocky for a long time. It’s very rare for people to call me when things were good right away and then, all of a sudden, 10, 15, or 20 years later, things are messy. That happens, but it’s rare. It’s more common for things to have always been not good, or for people never to have been in a good place.
People try on their own and try to figure things out. That’s one: that’s not good, that’s not safe, that’s not healthy. Number two, people think it’ll just get better. That’s not the greatest, even if there’s a chance it’ll get better. But by talking to a professional, you have more of a chance of things getting better.
And the next part: when you wait too long, the situation at hand is no longer the situation at hand. What was causing the problems, the issues, the fights, the arguments in the beginning—this could be on a major scale or a minor scale; it doesn’t have to be something explosive. But what’s called the cause, the root cause, is buried somewhere under there. It’s not even existent anymore. And now people are in a routine of the way they operate. Again, if it’s extreme, it’s fight, sword to make up, argue, bicker, fight, sword to make up, and so on. We’re looking at a situation that is extremely confusing. Also, the couple doesn’t want to hear more ideas, any more ideas, because in their mind they’ve tried everything, which is not true. But they’ve tried a lot of different things on their own. You get the point. So waiting for things to hit the fan is a bad idea.
When I talk to couples who are newly married—six months, a year—they’re very receptive to the ideas that I have. Very receptive. They apply them right away, and they work within a week or two. It’s unbelievable. A week or so: “This is happening. We’re fighting about this.” “Okay, do X, Y, and Z. Okay, stop doing this. Okay, that’s it.” They get into a routine like nothing ever happened, most of the time. But that small little argument—I know as a fact—that small little thing, left alone without getting any help, can turn into something really, really, really major.
So the message for today is very simple. It’s not that you’ve lost hope. You’ve never lost hope. You can always call and reach out. You should always call and reach out. The message is: when you see things are not going so great or there’s confusion in your marriage, don’t call your parents. Don’t call your siblings. Call a professional and get things in order as soon as you can.
I don’t know, maybe people feel like it’s degrading. Those days are over. So many people are seeing therapists. So many people are getting help. Those days are really long gone. Long gone are the days of stigma and all that stuff. People are reaching out. There’s no reason why anybody shouldn’t reach out. This is not a promotion for me. It’s an idea that needs to be spoken about more often and understood by people.
There’s one more point I want to talk about, but there’s so much to really mention over here: the pitfalls, or the downside, let’s call it, if you could call it that, of not getting help right away. When people also get into a groove in their relationship for a very long time, it becomes a habit. Now, besides the points I mentioned till now, there’s another really big problem with that habit.
If one of the two wants to change the habit for the good—let’s say they’ve been arguing, and that’s the way they communicate—you have to understand that it becomes the nature of the relationship. It’s a little bit of a deep concept, but it’s not that hard to grasp. The relationship becomes: “This is the way that we communicate. This is the way that it works naturally.” Even though you don’t want that, it becomes comfortable. Yes, there’s a concept of being comfortable in your suffering.
When one of the two is trying to switch gears in a positive way, the other one is very resistant, which makes the person who’s trying just give up. I talk to people in that situation. And if I talk to both, they’re both very, very resistant to change. They want the other one to change: “You change.” “No, you change.” That’s not just because they’re stubborn. There is an element of being stubborn, but it’s more that they’re so used to this way of operating—fighting and getting what they want, getting what they need in a very unhealthy way—that changing that is very, very, very hard.
But if I have a couple that’s throwing their hands up in the beginning, like, “What in the world is happening?” it works, it works. “Okay, we’ll try this.” Like I mentioned, “We’ll try that.” They didn’t get into a routine of five to 10 bad habits in their marriage. So you get the point. Very simple, but important. Spread the message. If you need help, like I said, you could call me or call a professional. Anyone who knows how to deal with marriage should be able to help you. The earlier, the better. Be patient, be wise, be sure to have a wonderful relationship.